Silent Hero, Part 2, Chapter 1 and 2

Heeeeeeeeey, everyone!  We’re back, and we’re launching right back into Silent Hero!  Today we start Part 2, Chapter 1: The Voice Speaks Again.

When we last left our heroes, the they had visited the Twilight Realm and did pretty much nothing before heading back to Hyrule.  Now that they’ve returned to Hyrule, they’re chilling at Link’s place, realizing that “oh, shit, we really have no idea where to go from here” and that sleep is probably the best choice.

This is when Disembodied-Voice-Who-Is-Totally-Not-Zelda decides to speak again.  She tells them of sealed places of the ancient, original Hyrule, which house the spiritual stones that the first (but actually not the first) Link picked up.  They’re to be used to get to the Master Sword, because that’s just tradition in a Zelda quest and to break it would just be blasphemy.

So they have to get the three spiritual stones, put in hidden places guarded by three sages that they get to by playing Midna’s Requiem.  Where are they?  Let’s let Totally-Not-Zelda answer that question.

One Stone lies hidden in the Empress of the Wind.

One Stone rides the Spirit of the Seas.

One Stone is buried within the Goddess of the Sands.

Well.  Interesting choice, going with wind, water, sand instead of forest, fire, water.

So the voice tells them that to find the first goddess (does she mean the Empress of the Wind or the sage?), they should travel to the place where their journey began.  Um…if they’re in Kokiri forest, aren’t they kind of already there?  That’s where they started, isn’t it?

The voice tells them that she wants to reveal her full identity to them, but can’t.  But she can leave them with a name, and that name is….


Oh please tell me that I’m not going to end up eating my words.  Please, please please please please let it still actually be Zelda.

Oh, right, the writing itself.  After Pami gives her name, “The last fading word echoed like a fading zephyr, then stilled into an absolute hush.”

Wait, sorry, purple would have been a more appropriate color for this particular prose.

As they decide to get some sleep before heading back to the Mirror of Twilight (which is in Kokiri Forest yet—wow, what a journey!), Midna notes that they’ve heard nothing of Zelda or Ganon.  And Link’s like “yeah, that’s pretty weird and stuff or whatever” before brushing it off and watching Midna as he tries to sleep.  “Then, as her eyes gently closed, veiling the windows to her soul for another night, he closed his too and allowed sleep to come.”

Oh please shoot me now.

Chapter 2, The Stone Princess, opens with Link trying to track down Sarita before he takes off, but fails, since no one’s seen her around and she’s a master of “evasiveness and clever hiding.”  Yes, clever hiding.

Huuuuuurr, durr hurrr hurr I’m such a clever hider

So Link angsts about not being able to see Sarita as they head for the Mirror of Twilight.  Which means, naturally, that she’s there already.  She’s there making flower crowns for them because she was told that she would meet them there to guide them to the Gorons’ city.  Who told her?  Why that was oh never mind it looks like we’re moving on and it’s not important or anything.

Also, Link notes that Sarita and Midna are both his princesses in their own “rites.”

Diana, still a princess in her funeral rites.  (RIP, apologies for the potentially tasteless joke)

Sarita heads off to take them to Goron City, and we find out that she’s not the Sage of Wind—at least, not as far as she knows.  She just found the entrance while exploring the woods and some strange, cloaked woman (who may or may not be Pami but probably is), told her in a vision that yeah, this is more than just some random cave or something.

Sarita walks inside a tree, and Link and Midna follow.  It becomes clear at this point that Link and Midna’s guides must be doucheshits because when they walk into the tree, the ground suddenly isn’t there anymore!  Does no one ever think of warning anyone when something sudden and potentially frightening is going to happen?

They end up on some sort of slide (what it’s made of or how it works is never explained particularly well) and at the end, they’re near Goron City.  They then travel around in passageways that you can assume are pretty much lifted directly from Ocarina of Time.  The city is empty and quiet.  Too quiet.  As Sarita says, “It’s emptier than the Kokiri Wood during a thunderstorm.”  After a bit, she continues, adding, “Very much quieter too…especially minus the thunderstorm….”

That sentence kinda got away from you there, didn’t it?

After wandering around for a while, they find the Gorons, who welcome them and say that their princess has been waiting for them.  Are…are there even any female Gorons?  That is a good question.  In here, there apparently are.  Unless she’s not actually a Goron.

The Gorons decide that the best way to test Link is a game of “Find the Princess,” so they shove him into a room with a maze of statues of her and lock the door.  Because only the true hero would be able to pick out the princess for some arbitrary reason.  After a bit of searching, Link decides to pull out his ocarina and play “One of These Things is Not Like the Others.” 

No, I’m kidding.  He plays Saria’s song because that’s what makes Darunia dance in Ocarina of Time and Din forbid the story depart from that in any way.  And the princess starts dancing, exclaiming that it’s a HOT BEAT just like Darunia did.  That must be why the Gorons figured the true hero would know what to do.  Because the old stories inevitably included the part about the HOT BEAT.  Them be some detailed ancient legends, yo.

The princess, after blowing her cover,  reveals her name to be Onyx (not to be confused with Onix or Onox).  She’s the Sage of Wind that they’re looking for.  She’s going to send Link and Midna to the volcano on Death Mountain, where Link must fight a dragon named Codiya.  That’s maybe not the best name, but it’s not terrible so it’s not funny.  To make it funny, we’ll call him Cody.

Some more Gorons come and gather around after that, cheering Lady Onyx (one of them including a “wooooot” for some reason).  Then they go on about the HOT BEAT.  With quite a bit of emphasis on HOT and BEAT.  We get it.  Darunia described Saria’s Song as a HOT BEAT.  It’s regarded as one of the funniest moments of the game.  Stop killing it by driving it into the ground.

Also Onyx’s funetik aksent is inconsistant and I can’t tell what exactly she’s supposed to sound like.

So they head to the old king Darunia’s throne room, where they’ll need to play Midna’s Requiem to go back in time.  Unfortunately, it’s dangerous to go alone if you’re small like Saria (because short people got no reason to live or something), so she has to stay behind, and there’s a tearful goodbye that no one actually tears up for because no one actually cares about these characters.

And with that, Midna and Link utilize the time travel mechanics that half the Zelda games have and go baaaaaack to the paaaaaaaast!

Next time: Midna and Link fight Cody the Dragon in Part 2, Chapter 3: Beyond the Throne!

Published in: on January 12, 2013 at 12:14 am  Leave a Comment  
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Silent Hero, Chapter 6 (1/2)


[AN: the following paragraph was written before I read this chapter.  After reading chapter 6, I have no clue how chapter 5 could have possibly caused me any despair.  Yes, chapter 6 is that much worse.  Be afraid.]

After that last chapter, I took some time off to reconsider my view of life. I would have used Silent Hero as proof that there is no God, had I not needed someone to pray to for strength to get through this. I came to the conclusion that if He exists, he probably just isn’t a big fan of Zelda. This new dogma is a bit difficult for me to accept, but it’s the only thing that makes any sort of sense. But maybe he’s just a fanboy who’s upset because no new games have lived up to his expectations after Ocarina of Time. Yeah, this is just Nintendo’s punishment for that. That would explain BMB Finishes’ “Hero of Time” fan film, too.

If you’ve never heard of this movie, you should be glad.

Okay, now that the existential crisis is over, let’s launch into Chapter 6, entitled “The Promise of the Zorita’s Eyes.” Wow. I…I’m stunned. That chapter title was horrible. I’ve heard math majors come up with better-sounding and more creative chapter titles than that (apologies to you math majors out there that do not fit the left-brained stereotype).

I think I’m going to learn from last time and check the chapter length. And…oh, dear. Um…this one’s probably going to be another two-parter. I’m starting to think that there’s more wrong with this book than what’s even in the book. I think I must hate myself.

So, the winged lady “lights before them.” What. I do not think that word means what you think it means. Did she lightly land before them? Did she illuminate before them? I’m gonna guess that this was a typo. But anyway, the other Zorita follow her, and Link stares at them with awe and curiosity, like Sarita when she was “studying some new corner of the wood.”

…Yeah, I don’t think I’m going there.

Instead of trying to describe these abominations of nature for you, I think I’ll let the author do it herself.

Wings folded, it looked as though long, shallow turtle shells rested upon their backs. Moonlit water droplets glistened like thousands of miniature aquamarines upon their blue-green skin. Their faces, noses, and ears were long, angular, bearing an elven sort of elegance, as did their arms, legs, and the graceful fins arching from both wrists and ankles. Silver hair spilled down the backs of the ladies, while the silver locks of the men was cut in short, tight ringlets. Their eyes gleamed like sapphires, just as inquisitively as Link felt his must look.

This description is not only hard to figure out, but seems to differ from both the Rito and the Zora. I really don’t get this. It’s…okay, how can something like that look beautiful? I’m thinking either of a blue-green elf with fins and a turtle shell, or a cross between a bird-person and fish-person. Whichever one I think of, it I have a mental image of an abomination of nature.  You know what?  Let’s see if we can try to figure out what they look like.

This is a Zora

This is a Rito

This is a Zorita, as interpreted by the lovely Broeckchen.  It looks like nothing out of this world.  Or our of Hyrule, either.

Link gets praised by the fish-bird-woman and blushes. Umkay. I hope it’s the praise, but then again, he did describe the Zorita as “lovely.”

A sentence of description/prose ends with a quotation mark. Okay, that’s a small mistake that I’ve made in the past. Of course, if you’re going to publish this for people to read, you may want to do a bit of proofreading first.

So the Zorita is named Ava, and she’s the princess of the Zorita. Because if you can’t just take an old character’s name and change it a bit, you could always just take the base of avian/aviation/aviate/whatever-word-that-has-to-deal-with-flying-this-is. Still, I’d take that over Joller. Anyway, Ava and her people have been patiently yet anxiously yet paradoxically waiting for him to arrive. You cannot be both patient and anxious for something. The two are opposites. I think I see what you’re saying. You just didn’t say it right.

So the author evidently read my complaints last chapter about how the Zorita being able to swim and fly is physically impossible. She provides an explanation! I’m shocked! Here’s how it works: when they fold their wings, the feathers fold inside. They are protected from water by a lightweight, waterproof leather, which is evidently airtight and keeps the feathers from getting wet. They can fold or unfurl them in an instant for quick transitions from water to air to water. It’s actually a very nice explanation. I can only find one minor flaw, which is that wings do not fucking work that way! Wings like this are either leathery (like a bat’s), or feathery (like a bird’s). The two function in completely different ways. If the wings are feathery, having leather on them would ruin the aerodynamics. If they’re leathery wings, then having feathers on them would weigh them down too much. There is a reason that animals that fly aren’t particularly aquatic, and vice versa.


Clearly, the two types of wings don’t really function the same way.

Ava walks up to a wall, checks it, and then walks through it. It’s evidently a hidden entrance of some sort. Now, the first question I have is why didn’t Ava explain this instead of just walking through and expecting Midna and Link to follow? They sit there a few seconds completely confused. A quick “By the way, this wall is a hidden entrance, so don’t be surprised that we can just walk through it” would help. The second question I have is how does this work? I mean, it’s not exactly explained. It’s just…a wall that they can walk through. It’s obvious that the wall isn’t really there, but it’s never explained how it works. Is it magic? Is it an optical illusion? A hologram? I demand an explanation. But I won’t get one.

So they reach the Zorita village. Admittedly, the geography does make some sense. They live on cliffs (like the Rito), but there are places where it drops off into the ocean, where they presumably swim.

Also, there’s grass there that greets their feet “like old friends embracing them in a tight, comforting hug.” Um…okay? I dunno, I’ve never really been hugged by grass before. But hey, it’s your analogy. I mean, it’s a bad one, but hey, your choice. Also, it’s been what, two days since they’ve been in Kokiri forest? Was there no grass there? I mean, I get that you say that there were brambles and whatnot, but still. And are they not wearing shoes? Why not? I mean, they were just walking around in the rocky canyons. Most importantly, is two days enough time away from any sort of grass that it suddenly becomes orgasmic to be around again? Because here in the Midwest, we have this thing called “winter.” When “winter” comes around, there’s this white, powdery, cold stuff called “snow” that covers all the grass for about a quarter of every year. We somehow manage to be fine. I mean, we get pretty excited every spring, but come on. It’s grass. We get over it. Two days without grass is not enough for anyone to miss it.

I get off to this every night.

The person that they are quite obviously going to learn this part of the song from is a Zorita named Asher, a wise, laid-back dude. I’ve gotta admit, I kinda like him, if just because he’s the only original character who actually seems to have any personality.

He explains that the Zorita were once the Zora, and then evolved into the Rito, and then evolved into the Zorita, a cross between the two. There’s one problem I have with this: evolution does not fucking work like that! Why go from fish to birds and then to fish-birds? Wouldn’t it be easier to cut out the middle step and go straight to the hybrid, if it’s evolutionarily superior? That’s like if humans were to suddenly become half-monkey again. Sure, it’d be great to have opposable thumbs on our feet and to climb really well, but we’ve evolved past monkeys for a reason. If it were more beneficial for our survival to be a hybrid between what we were and what we are now, we never would have evolved past it in the first place. Congratulations. You just drove a biologist to suicide. I hope you’re fucking happy.

Clearly the superior species.

Also, the paragraph that describe the process proved that the author have no idea how to using tense.

So evidently the (not exactly) first Link, the Hero of Time, spent the rest of his days living in Termina. Only there were evidently two Links created…the past Link and the future Link. Um, not quite. Future Zelda removed Future Link from the timeline by sending him back to the past. And they certainly didn’t live simultaneously or anything. So what you’re essentially saying, author, is that you believe that the split timeline is canon, but don’t care enough to figure out which game falls under which timeline? I mean, there are some arguments, but there are also some cases where it’s pretty impossible and by having the child and adult timelines exist in the same universe you oh dear I’ve gone cross-eyed.

Well.  That was bad.  But it’s about to get worse.  A lot worse.

Seriously.  A lot worse.  This is your last chance to turn back.  But if you hate yourself as much I clearly hate myself, come back next week, when you will lose any faith you may have had in this story.


Published in: on February 19, 2011 at 3:14 pm  Leave a Comment  
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FangQuest, Chapter 1

So the first thing that happens is we’re introduced to this wolf named “Blackfang.” Not too impressive of a name, if you ask me, and one that makes little sense. Does he have a black fang or something? Because now would be a good time to describe that. So, anyway, he gets dressed. I suppose we’re supposed to assume he’s anthropomorphic, and not a literal wolf that walks on four legs.

We are then introduced to Blackfang’s older brother, whose name (Runtskull) makes Blackfang’s look good by comparison. Despite being smaller, he is older. However, it’s implied that they come from the same litter, so it makes little sense.

Anyway, Runtskull’s name. It’s explained that he appears to be a runt, but there was a smaller one, born at the same time, who is a smaller runt. So why is he named “runt,” when he wasn’t? Or does Runtskull mean he has a small head? And if so, does that indicate that he’s stupid? I don’t know, because he doesn’t seem to have any sort of personality. But anyway, are all the names just Adjective-body part? Because the next time I see a character with that stupid naming theme, I’m going to cut myself.

Runtskull says that their mother is back with food. The mother’s name, surprisingly, does not follow the pattern. However, that’s not necessarily a good thing, as the name “Dirtsnow” sounds like a euphemism for shitting outside in the winter.

After it is explained (with no purpose) that Blackfang likes snitching food and that watermelons have flesh (which I’m going to assume is, contrary to the common use of flesh to describe the outer layer of something, the fruit and not the rind), we are introduced to the father, Alpha. Alpha, as a name, actually makes sense, seeing as they’re a pack. This name was a welcome sight. Too bad I’ve seen it so many other places before. Alpha is evidently a champion knife fighter.

Barkfur (now where’d I leave that tree branch again?), another sibling of Blackfang, enters. I suppose that her name makes more sense, as she at least has bark-colored fur. She’s followed by Blast, yet another sibling, with a name that doesn’t follow a pattern and seems to be a reference to his occupation. He works in a forge, which they apparently own. Is it their business? I don’t know. It’s never explained why they have a forge. Blackfang goes off with his brother, but not before insisting that he be fetched before they ate…which I assume they would have done anyway.

Blast and Blackfang work in the forge, where we learn that Blast hammers with “taps of accuracy and potency that seemed gentle enough to caress a newborn.” I’m not entirely sure our author knows the meaning of potency, as that’s generally not the word I think of when I’m thinking about handling newborns. Of course, I don’t think of the word accuracy either, but that’s because it’s completely unrelated.

So the two impressively manage to create a dagger in an hour—sorry, nearly an hour—and then eat. The wolflets decide that they will be going to Silver Lake to meet friends for dinner. I’ll assume for the sake of the story that the friends they’re meeting (an otter, a cardinal, and a squirrel), are friends they’re going to eat with, and not just eat.

Yeah, the copyright and source are already there.  I don’t think I need to tell you who credit goes to.

Also, there happens to be a full moon. So they’re probably wolves just for today. Or probably not, actually. Werewolves still come to mind, though.

So they take off that evening, when the full moon is rising and yet somehow there’s still a sunset. Curious. Then, the colors seem to chase off clouds. Also curious, seeing as the sky was cloudless just a paragraph or two earlier. And again, there are shooting stars. Which streak into the sun. So they can see the stars while the sun is still out. Am I the only one completely confused by this description?

Anyway, this is a night they plan to remember for the rest of their lives. Because it also happens to be the night that their family is ambushed, their father killed, and their mother taken hostage. So, yeah. I can see it now. “Hey, Blackfang, remember that one night with the sunset that defied all logic?” “Yeah. For some reason, I think something else happened on that night too, but I can’t quite remember.” “Meh, must not have been that important or life-changing.” “You’re probably right. But man, that sunset!

So while some of them chat, some play with wooden cards, and the bird stares into the fire, half debating what it would be like to be a flame, half staring at his hands and wondering why they’re doing such strange things. We have no idea how big they are in relationship to one another. Are they proportional to what their real-life counterparts would be? Are they the same size? I don’t know, and it still plagues me how a squirrel and a wolf can comfortably use the same deck of cards.

One thing about this universe: they eat fish. Now, why just fish, I don’t know. Probably because the concept completely rips off of Brian Jacques (though the squirrel evidently has the decency to admit it via his name), and in the Redwall books, they eat fish. How big are these fish, relatively? Again, we don’t know.

After the meal, we are informed that they tell stories and then have a race. We don’t get to hear the stories, and we don’t see the race. I suppose they maybe count as character development, but I can’t for the life of me figure out what part of their characters they’re developing.

We then shift to a scene where we that the wolves’ surname is “Timburwolfe.” Because changing one letter of “timberwolf” and then adding an “e” at the end is so original and not retarded in any way. But I digress. Evidently, the…um…“Timburwolfes” (shudder) have two more kids, Kebolt and Markrew, who prefer to be known by the less ridiculous but more out-of-place nicknames Ken and Mark. Instead of greeting her sons, Dirtsnow shoves drinks at them while the two just stand and look at each other. Because when I’ve been gone at sea for a while and come back to see my mother, I prefer just staring at her to a warm, loving embrace. Boy, family reunions must be awkward for them.

They explain that their ship needed repairs (which was, conveniently, very nearby), immediately after which, Alpha gets shot. So that explains why the welcome was so cold—they were trying to kill their parents! Oh, wait, they weren’t. That was just an extremely misleading passage. Which, for our author’s sake, I’ll assume was done on purpose.

So the wolflets hear the scream and run back, which takes a few minutes. Evidently, even though they’re wolves and should have heightened senses, they can’t see things that are only about a mile away like we can, because they only notice that there’s been a struggle after they’ve arrived. Maybe it was just really, really hilly.

Anyway, Alpha (AKA the only character with a relatively sane name) is dead. He has evidently been “sliced, stabbed, and severely whipped with arrows protruding from his body.” Am I a horrible person for questioning whether he was sliced, stabbed, and whipped with the arrows themselves?

Dirtsnow is gone, although she has somehow managed to run inside, grab parchment, and write a good deal while they’re under attack. Mark and Ken are semi-conscious, so they’re either plot important (which, since they appear about five times combined in the first half of the book, they’re not), or because they weren’t worth killing.

Blackfang reads the note, which, coincidently happens to be for him and not for any of his older siblings. Evidently he is his mother’s only hope (okay, the line cuts off, but we know that’s what she was going to say anyway). Why him and not any of his siblings? Because he’s the protagonist. And quite possibly just like the author. Only in furry form. But I digress again.

Along with the note that quite a bit more verbose than I would have attempted while people fired arrows at me, his mother has also left him a necklace that turns his eyes green. Which is important. Somehow. Okay, I lied, it’s actually sort of pointless. But it’s cool, at least. Or it would be, if it were a movie. Which it’s not. So it’s not cool at all.

Thus concludes Chapter 1: The Green Stone. What will happen in Chapter 2? Does Blackfang do the sensible thing and chase after his mother immediately since they’re only a few minutes behind? Does the prose start making sense? Do we gain insight on any of the characters? Find out next time!

Or now. The answer to all three is no.

Published in: on February 17, 2011 at 12:10 am  Leave a Comment  
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