Silent Hero, Chapter 9

 

Hello, everyone!  It has, once again, been a while!  Just over a year, it looks like.  But let’s jump back into the great pile of feces together with renewed vigor, shall we?

When we last left our heroes, Link and Midna had met a previous Link or something and gained another piece of Sierpinski’s Triforce.  Then they stepped into the Mirror of Twilight and headed off to the Twilight realm.  Now we’re on chapter 9, “A Link to Twilight.”  What a wonderful title.  Not at all awkward or unwieldy.  Okay, so I’ll admit that there is a little sincerity in there.  It could be worse.  But anyway, this is the last chapter in Part 1.  It’ll be Part 2 soon!  Wow!

As the two enter the mirror thing, Link sees this tunnel with all sorts of symbols swirling around them, which he surmises to be the Twilit language.  This is another case of “cinematic” writing.  This would totally look cool if it were a movie.  But since it’s a book, it really serves no purpose and just kind of sounds stupid.

When they arrive on the other side, Midna is overjoyed at showing Link her world.  She starts singing, and the two start dancing around happily.  Midna becomes exceedingly overjoyed.

Then she stops dead, “all glitter vanishing from her eyes as though someone peirced an arrow through the shimmering candle’s flame of her heart.”

…Okay, “shimmering candle’s flame of her heart?”  I mean, seriously?  Also, the choice of metaphor made me misread it at first.  I thought that she had literally been shot and was disappointed that I wasn’t able to make a joke about her taking an arrow to the knee heart.

It says a lot about this story that I’m bummed that she wasn’t killed because it deprived me of the chance to make a joke.

The narrative then takes a two-paragraph break from what’s going on to describe where exactly they are.  Description’s a good thing, but right after you’ve had a character go from joy to pain in an instant because of something she’s seen might not be the best time to wax poetic about the tall, arched windows and the patterns on the turquoise and black curtains.

Anyway, I’m sure you were all waiting to see what stopped Midna dead when I went on that discourse (SEE HOW IT DOESN’T WORK?).  What she saw was SaruZant.  Er, Zaruman.

So what is this mysterious new villain OC like?  Well…pretty generic.  He gloats about how she revealed the location of the portal to him, which he doesn’t even need except he does now because for some reason his magic has failed him?  He’s apparently at the Twilight palace to grab some stuff he’d left behind from the past.  What a coincidence that it just happened to be when they arrived.

Midna calls him a liar, saying that he came to torment her.  “Midna, my dear,” he shook his head, “for shame, always the dramaticist. You know, that’s really no way to speak to your old lover…”

“Always the dramaticist,” he said in the most hammy tone possible while milking the reveal that he and Midna share a history for all it’s worth.  Also, it’s “dramatist.”  Dramaticist isn’t a word.

Anyway, Zaruman notes her feelings for Link and comments that it must please her that he’s “silent and compliant,” also insinuating that she needs complete control to feel comfortable in a relationship.  Midna, determined to prove him wrong, decides to speak for Link and tells Zaruman to kindly fuck off kthnxbai.

Zaruman starts walking up to Midna and Link’s hand starts hovering over his sword.  Then Zaruman gloats a bit about how she’s powerless to stop him, the world is his, blah blah blah, standard villain stuff, then he kisses her hand.  Link finds himself fantasizing of all the terrible things he wants to do to Zaruman’s hand and lips.

Uh…dude.  You’re right there.  You’re literally holding Midna Sue’s other hand.  If you want to do something, what is stopping you from doing it?  I mean, seriously?  You’re literally right next to him.

But no, instead he lets Zaruman step into the portal and go poof.  Midna breaks down and starts crying.  Link sees her sitting there completely broken and is about to take the opportunity to cop a feel when someone else shows up!  Who could it possibly be?  It’s….

Dark Link?

Well, I shouldn’t be too surprised.  The plot so far has pretty much been a MidnaXLink shipping fic strung together by a series of cameos.

Anyway, Dark Link is in this story presumed to be the representation of Link’s dark side or something, and the two of them fight.  Why is he showing up?  Hell if I know.  Plot needed to happen and this was as good an option as any.  There’s another example of Link thinking back to ancient legends (i.e., gameplay mechanics) to help him.  Though this time, fortunately, it’s not as egregious, and things are actually resolved very differently than in the games: Link receives aid in a battle against Dark Link because while Dark Link mirrors him perfectly, he can’t predict Midna’s attacks.

So ultimately, Link faces the symbolic representation of the darkness within him by…having someone else do it for him.

Though it is still slightly preferable to “drawing from his knowledge of the ancient legends, Link found a corner to crouch in and just stabbed at Dark Link’s legs over and over again.”

So they kill Dark Link and he…regenerates.  Only now he’s a good guy and the only reason he was evil in the first place was because Zaruman cursed him.  He was really totally just there to give them another bit of the song and another piece of Sierpinski’s Triforce!  This means that they now know the entirety of Midna’s Requiem and have the entirety of the Triforce of Courage!

Now if only we didn’t have over half the story to go.

Dark Link finishes by telling them some helpful advice about the Triforce and balance and how they need both Courage and Wisdom to overcome power.  And then they…go back to Hyrule.

Huh.  Really?  We’re wasting our time jumping back and forth between everywhere for no reason again?  I mean…we just got to the Twilight realm.  And now we’re leaving it again?  Wow.  What a colossal waste of time.

And it is on that colossal waste of time that we conclude Part 1.  Wow.  What a great end to the first section of the book.  Join us next time for Chapter 1 of Part 2: The Voice Speaks Again.  In which…the voice speaks again.

Andy

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Published in: on October 18, 2012 at 8:01 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Silent Hero, Chapter 8

 

It’s been a while, huh? Still, for me, it’s not long enough. Anyway, I read up on the previous entries and had a good chuckle. You all found my entries funny, right? I did too. And then I realized that someone had to have read the work they were based off of. And that that someone was me. And then all the repressed memories came flooding back.

…I’m really hesitant to start this again. Just give me a second.

Okay, screw it, let’s go.

Chapter 8, I believe. The chapter entitled “The House of Many Links.”

This is a terrible pun and I feel ashamed for making it.

I’m…not looking forward to this.

Okay. Let’s go. Deep breath, Andy. They head to Termina’s southern borders again. Termina is apparently a little dollhouse of a land compared to Hyrule (author’s metaphor), as it’s quite tiny. But so very apparently important to the story. I mean, we’re a third of the way through. Can’t we just leave Termina already?

Midna and Link roam around, listening for music (it’s been a while, but I think I recall them saying earlier that the not-quite-first Link’s spirit often played music after a hard mortal life’s work of boinking fishwomen). They eventually see his spirit and follow him.

Now, at this point, the author uses a pied piper metaphor. This is something that’s always bugged me to no end. I hate it when people describe things using terms, idioms, or references that don’t exist within a certain world. See, if a character in a Zelda fic were described to be “dumb as an ox,” I wouldn’t pay it too much mind. Cows exist in the Zelda universe, so why shouldn’t Oxen? In any sort of fiction with anthropomorphic animals, it’d gain added effect, as it implies that anthropomorphic oxen are often regarded as stupid. But if you’re writing a story in an alternate universe where bovine are nonexistent, do not use a metaphor relating to them. Similarly, do not reference stories in our universe in stories set in other universes. It just kills immersion.

“It’s like we’re Bill Murray from the movie Groundhog Day, forced to relive the same sequence of events over and over,” Tatl said to Link as he rewound time.  “What the hell’s a movie?” Link asked.

Anyway. They follow Link’s spirit to some sort of cave, which is pitch dark. Link guides Midna by the hand, because she’s evidently a complete incapable klutz and Link needs to hold her hand to keep her from tripping. And it’s a good thing he does, because she almost falls down a chasm. A chasm that’s apparently invisible until you almost fall in it. That’s the only real explanation, other than Midna and Link watching the sky in the pitch-black cave instead of the fucking floor like they should have been.

Also, there are torches giving off a faint light. The thing that always bugs me about things like this: how do the torches stay lit? Are they magic torches? Does Link’s spirit need to leave a light on so that he doesn’t get scared?

So there’s a ledge on the other side, and they need to get to it. The answer has to do with the Deku Mask from Majora’s Mask, which is hanging between two torches. Link hookshots it over, then puts it on to transform into a Deku, which Midna responds to with “Awe, aren’t you adorable?” Yes, that’s how she spelled “Aw.”

Anyway, kids, can you guess what happens next? What’s that? *gasp* That’s right! There is a sequence where the author just describes something similar to the game, in which game mechanics are described in the “legends of old.” Yes, the story starts to read like a walkthrough for Majora’s Mask, complete with flower gliders appearing our of Link’s hammerspace. I cannot stress enough how painful it is to read game mechanics being forced into something that isn’t a game. Because the next thing Link does is step on a switch that triggers a bridge falling from above, landing in place. Now, in video games, we expect things like that to work. But in literature, things are tied much more closely to logic. How’s the bridge land perfectly? Why doesn’t it shatter on impact? Why doesn’t the shockwave knock Link or Midna over the edge of the abyss, and how does the rock not shatter under the impact, destroying the foundations and tipping the bridge into the chasm anyway? Think, author! These are important questions.

So Link decides that it’s time to stop pretending to be Pinocchio, so he attempts to take the mask off. But then he finds out he can’t. Not, at least, until he puts on the next mask they discover, the Goron mask. He goes through the Majora’s Mask walkthrough segment again, the bridge drops, lather, wash, rinse, repeat. There’s a brief interlude when Link puts on Zora mask where they flash back to the story of Mikau (i.e. Link the Fishfucker) and Lulu and why would you make me remember that? Fortunately, it’s only a brief mention, and Link once again comes across a Zora puzzle lifted directly from Majora’s Mask.

Midna worries that she won’t be able to survive the journey under the water (since she doesn’t have the abilities of a Zora), and Link decides that the best way to deal with this is to grab her without warning and plunge under the water with her. Because warning her would be too easy. But it’s okay, because if he screws up, the game mechanics will save him and they’ll be brought back to the room where they can catch their breath again!

Link is able to control his path by making himself more streamlined (completely ignoring the fact that the fact that he’s carrying Midna should negate this) and manages to make it through the water tunnels. On to the next room. This one is a giant abyss that requires the Giant’s Mask. This one he’s actually able to take off. So we’re done with this, right?

Nope! Link still hasn’t put on the Postman’s Hat or the All-Nighter Mask or I’m just kidding it’s just the Fierce Deity Mask. Link puts it on and another Link drops down to have a friendly battle with him for a bit. The other Link throws some sort of flashbomb that reverts them both to their natural forms. Turns out that the whole thing was an illusion that Spirit Link (for some reason, he’s not referred to as the Many-Link anymore) created as a test which means that no, the masks probably won’t play a part again and no, they probably weren’t in any real danger in the first place. Don’t you just live anti-climaxes? They find themselves chilling at Spirit Link’s house, Link and Midna are honored to meet Spirit Link, and Spirit Link is honored to meet his successor and said successor’s princess.

You know, you could at least try to be subtle about your shipping.

Since Link lives in Hyrule, technically Zelda would be his princess, regardless of romantic interest.  I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t feel any romantic obligation to his king.

But on to the point of the visit. Spirit Link pulls out the Ocarina of Time, Link pulls out his Ocarina, Midna pulls out her flute, and they learn the song. And then Spirit Link passes on his piece of Sierpinski’s Triforce to Link.

With that, Spirit Link realizes that the time allotted his Cameo is up, and he provides a warp crystal to take Link and Midna back to Hyrule, stating that he must return to his place among the Zorita, asking Link as he strokes the Zora mask if he thinks they have room for a bass guitar player in their new band. Maybe I’m forgetting something here, but when did they say that Spirit Zora Link chilled with the Zorita, or even that the Zorita were forming a band? I’ll have to remember to never reread this to find out.  Not too hard, since I don’t really care anyway.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!  We are Many-Link and the Fishfuckers, and we are here to rock your world!

As Link and Midna do the locationwarp again, Link catches a glimps of Spirit Zora Link already jamming on his skeleton guitar. I still don’t exactly get the logistics of a dead guy hanging with a hybrid race as a member of a different extinct race to start a band with them.

As the chapter ends, they find themselves back in Hyrule—but not for long! Because they’re planning to check out the Twilight Realm now! They prance into the Mirror of Twilight hand-in-hand. Fade to black.

Stay tuned for the next chapter, “A Link to Twilight,” our last chapter before we begin Part 2!

Silent Hero, Chapter 6 (2/2)

So, where were we?  Oh, yes, I remember.  Let me just back up a paragraph or two.  This is something we’ll need a running start for.

So evidently the (not exactly) first Link, the Hero of Time, spent the rest of his days living in Termina. Only there were evidently two Links created…the past Link and the future Link. Um, not quite. Future Zelda removed Future Link from the timeline by sending him back to the past. And they certainly didn’t live simultaneously or anything. So what you’re essentially saying, author, is that you believe that the split timeline is canon, but don’t care enough to figure out which game falls under which timeline? I mean, there are some arguments, but there are also some cases where it’s pretty impossible and by having the child and adult timelines exist in the same universe you oh dear I’ve gone cross-eyed and I think I’ve written this paragraph before causing me to go even further cross-eyed.

Aaaaand, what the fuck? This is the most messed up thing I’ve ever heard. Evidently, in Majora’s Mask, when Link was wearing Mikau’s soul (That’s still totally canon and totally freaky, btw), he started falling in love with Lulu. You know, the woman who is at least twice, maybe three times, his age. And, you know, a fish. What.

“Link is not a Freaky Fish Guy!” ~Mako Tsunami, expert on Freaky Fish Guys

So he never fucking revealed to Lulu that he was actually Link. What the fucking hell? Link, you fucking asshole. I don’t know if you’ve realized this, author, but Link essentially committed identity fraud and lied to a woman who loved him for her entire fucking life. He probably slept with her too, since that’s what people who love each other do. Yes, Link committed fraud and lied to a woman to get it on with a fish.

And then, after she passes, he reveals his identity and tells a few people his story. I personally would have loved to see their reactions. I mean, he’s showing people that he, the great Hero of Time, has masqueraded as a Zora and taken said Zora’s place in society, fooling his community and his lover. I can’t imagine that he was met with a very pleasant reception.

Oh, wait, no, they “honor the Hero of Time for his love and devotion to one of [their] own.” My bad. Just as an aside, I think I’d like to die now.

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I know, Mikau.  I feel the same way.

That Link, meanwhile, is evidently a ghost now, wandering around Termina. You know, they say that people become ghosts when they feel an inner turmoil that doesn’t allow them to move on to the afterlife. Gee, I wonder what inner turmoil Link must feel. Maybe it has something to do with stealing a fish’s identity to bang his lover until she died. But let’s get past all that. His ghost evidently visits the forest frequently. Midna states that they were near the forest, and may have been close to him. And then she says that Tingle maybe scared him off. Ava and Asher agree that he’s unpleasant. Because continually bashing a character that everyone already hates is good writing, evidently. Just fucking let it die. You don’t have to bring your vendetta against Tingle up every chance you get.

Asher decides to get some shut-eye, Midna decides that she’d like to admire the night for a while, Ava decides to keep Midna company, and Link decides to go explore a bit. I was excited for this, as it sounds like the Zorita live in a place that’s visually stunning. However, we’re just told that Link explores rolling hills, waterfalls, and caves. Gee, those sound really interesting. Can you tell us what they’re like? No? Okay, never mind. I guess they weren’t all that stunning after all.

Link walks until his feet are tired, and heads back. He lays down on a hill not far from Ava and Midna, sitting on the “velvety folds” of the grass on the hill. Erm…well, I’m not really sure that either grass or hills have folds, but eh, whatever. What I am sure of, though, is that grass isn’t velvety. Have you ever laid down on grass for a while? Sure, it’s nice and soft, but it’s itchy. Sleeping on the grass would drive me insane. I’d be up all night scratching. But hey, maybe it’s magic grass. That would explain why they creamed themselves when they were walking on it.

Link tries to block out Midna and Ava’s conversation, but it’s admittedly pretty hard not to eavesdrop when you hear your name. They’re talking about him. Let me take a moment to bring up the Bechdel Test. In order for a work to pass the Bechdel Test, there are three requirements, each one dependent on the last. There have to be (1) two female characters who (2) talk to each other about (3) something other than a man. We’ve had Midna talk with the Goddess of Time (who, being an unnamed deity, is disqualified) and now Ava (who counts). So that’s test one and two passed. Does it pass test three? Oh, sorry! The only private interaction Midna’s had with another woman, and we don’t get to hear any of it but the bit about Link. In fact, were they even talking before he came back? I dunno, as what he hears sounds like the beginning of a conversation, not the middle of one.

Anyway, Link comes back at the most convenient time ever. They couldn’t talk about him while he’s away. No, they have to wait until he comes back. And it’s not about him as a hero or anything. It’s automatically “what do you think of him?” This question almost always translates to “are you in love with him or not?”

Link hears their conversation and holds his breath until he becomes lightheaded. Evidently, the night is deadly quiet and he’s only five feet away from him, because he has to exhale slowly so that he isn’t heard. If he’s that close, why didn’t they notice him when he came back? I dunno, there’s really no reason for him to be so quiet. I’m pretty sure they can’t hear him. Also, it’s amusing how the guy who’s apparently so mute that he can’t even grunt has to work at being quiet.

Midna’s eventual reply is “He shares the soul of one I once loved. Or at least, I think he does or else want him to. But it could not be then either. Darkness and Light only create shadow, don’t they?” Um…what? Proofread, author, proofread! I think that what she’s trying to say is that she wants him to share the soul of the old Link, with whom her old relationship never would have worked.

Link is saddened by this and goes a bit emo again, using the phrase “defective forest rogue” to describe himself. Okay, I can’t help but laugh at that. What the hell is that even supposed to mean? On the plus side, I’ve got the perfect name for my new band now.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!  We are The Defective Forest Rogues and we are here to rock your world!

Ava’s reply is “Perhaps, as Dawn [not sure why it’s capitalized] proves every morning, Darkness can only be overcome by Light.” Um…okay, so…is “Darkness” supposed to be Midna? Because that’s the interpretation I got from Midna’s statement. If so, there are some pretty unfortunate implications going on there.

Link’s “Kokiri-trained ears” are evidently more steadfast than his “Hylian eyes which long to wander.” Is it just me, or is the author making a lot less sense in this chapter? Anyway, he wants to look at Midna to see how she really feels. Aww, look! The people who have known each other for all of maybe three days and are centuries apart in age really do love each other!

So two stars streak past, winding around each other (ZOMG SYMBOLISM!) in a dance that is described as magical but is really completely stupid, and then the birds sing, and two moths circle around him, one landing on his finger. This paragraph serves no purpose other than painting a scene in a way that completely derails the flow of the story.

I think I’ll just post the next thing Ava says for you.

We Zorita…we believe that Nature, as the foundation for the world the goddesses created for us, contains some of the deepest wisdoms.

“Take all these signs, especially the song of the moon blossom birds. Mates for eternity; the only creatures known to consummate their love within a nest made of moon blossom petals which they consume afterwards. In doing so, they are granted the eternal life of the moon blossoms, and for so long lasts their love…

“I do not know what these things may mean for you. But do not close your heart. Better to love and find out that he is not the one than to never search and find that one. And if the love is true, even if it turns out it is not what the goddesses deem best, there will be sorrow but no regrets of the time you spend together.”

Okay, first of all, what is it with random Capitalization of Words that seem vaguely Important? Does “Nature” really need capitalization? And if “Nature,” why not “goddesses?”

Second, everything about the moon blossom birds. They mate for eternity. Really? Eternity? Do they just not ever die? I get that they’ve got eternal life (which is reason enough to wtf on its own), but are they also invincible? Or if they do die, do they meet up in the afterlife again? Or reincarnate and find their partners again? And if either of those are the case, how the hell does everyone else know it? They do not mate for eternity. Not to your knowledge. Also, they build nests made out of moon blossom petals. Are these nests made on the ground? Because the nest wouldn’t hold together if it was made of flower petals, so it’d have to have the ground to support it. They gain immortality by eating the flower petals, so why doesn’t everyone eat the flower petals? And finally, for their mating ritual, they make the nest out of petals, boink each other in it, and then eat it. What.

Third, Ava’s essentially just restating that old adage “‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Let me ask you something. Have you ever been in love? Or even had a crush? Okay, has that ever ended badly? Anyone who has loved and lost can tell you that the idiom is pure bullshit. Maybe that’s just me, though.

So Link turns to look at her, unnoticed (his changing of positions evidently being quieter than his breathing), and watches the other moth land on her hand (ZOMG MOAR SYBOLISM). The beauty (read: stupidity) of this causes him to more or less jizz in his pants.  Or maybe it was the velvety grass he was sitting on.

So Midna and Ava eventually depart, and Link waits a while before departing himself. As he heads to the room he’s evidently supposed to sleep in (as opposed to the itchy grass), he hears footsteps, and sees Ava, who is floating down the hall. Floating. Um…in the air? I assumed that they sort of flew instead of hovered. And if that’s the case, how did he hear her footsteps? Well, the Zorita swim, too. Maybe there’s an unmentioned body of water or something she’s floating down. But if that’s the case, how the hell did he hear her footsteps?

She looks at him, and there’s something in her eyes (something that’s never explained) in them that gives him hope. He sees some sort of promise there. In her eyes. The promise of the Zorita’s eyes. Like the chapter title. Did you see that? It makes more sense now, doesn’t it? It’s still stupid, though.

So as he drifts to sleep, Link decides that, yes, he’s probably in love with this woman he’s known for three days who’s centuries older than him and is crushing on his past life.

Okay, I just finished reading Lolita not too long ago. I’m gonna have to say that the relationships in there are less screwed up than the ones in here. Lolita, by the way, is about a pedophile. But at least in Lolita we get to see the psychology behind the relationship and are showed why exactly it’s messed up and what sort of damage it does. In fact, at the end, the protagonist admits that he almost certainly ruined the girl he loved. Here, the relationships are treated as if they’re perfectly normal, and no one seems to bat an eye at the general wrongness of them.  Good job, author.  You’ve gotten me to declare your book more messed up that fucking Lolita.

Link wakes up in the morning, and Midna gives him a smile. It was like the conversation last night had never occurred, according to the book. And at the same time, it was like the opposite all at once, again according to the book.

So then they leave to find the Many-Link or whatever the hell that thing’s stupid fucking name is. They just leave.

…Okay, what? Really? Fucking really? They don’t even learn a song here or anything? No major plot? Are you fucking kidding me? You made me read a whole fucking chapter that I wrote five fucking pages on just to give your fucking Zora/Rito hybrid race a fucking cameo? You are fucking kidding me you fucking fuck fucker fuckity fuck fuck I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU YOU BASTARD I’LL FUCKNG KILL YOU ALL THAT WAS THE MOST POINTLESS SHIT I’VE EVER READ YOU SON OF A BITCH I HOPE THAT MAJORA FUCKING RAPES YOU IN THE ASS FOR THIS YOU FUCKING TIME-WASTING BITCH!

*Sigh* Well, let’s see what we’ve got for next time.  Okay, it looks like exposition, exposition, and more exposition.  Whee!  I’m actually excited for that!  You know why?  Because it’s a relatively short chapter, and there’s no possible way that it can get any worse than The Hero of Time boinking a fish-woman.  *shudder*

Andy

Silent Hero, Chapter 4

 

Chapter four, then: A True Fairy. Lemme guess—Tingle’s in this chapter, right? Oh fucking boy.

So, Link’s holding tightly to Midna’s hand as they fall, though not out of fear. Because the fear has dissipated and given way to excitement and…wait, wait, wait, back up a second. Are we not allowed to know why he’s holding Midna’s hand so tightly? Is it the adrenaline boost? Because that’s kinda stupid. Is it that he likes her? I don’t know; it’s never fucking explained.

Admittedly, I’d like to give the author props for the entrance into Termina. It’s actually very well done. Essentially what happens is that they jump off a cliff into nothingness, and pieces of the world appear and start falling with them, as if the world is solidifying. The lines of reality start blurring, and they don’t every land in Termina—they just notice that they stopped falling at some point. It’s pretty cool, and while it’s a concept never used in a Zelda game, it seems like it’d fit in it very well. I can imagine that that’s what teleportation is like.

And then she ruins all the magic by making Tingle the very first thing they encounter in Termina.

Wheeeee….

It’s quite clear that Tingle’s only purpose in this story is for the author to vent about how much she hates him. She channels Midna and slanders him in every way possible. Yes, we get it. Tingle is annoying. You don’t have to rub it in our faces. It’s painful to read. It’s not important to the plot. If you hate him, you could have just, oh, I don’t know, left him out of the story. Wait, no, on second thought, that would be giving him too much honor. I mean, if I were a Zelda character, I’d absolutely love to be left out of this.

But Tingle can’t just be annoying. Oh, no, he has to be waaaaaay more creepy. Evidently, he has “connections” and “favor” with the Great Fairies. Those quotation marks aren’t mine, by the way. The author added them in. Yeah. And Tingle evidently is hitting on Midna. Sweet Nayru, does this author ever need to get over her hatred of Tingle.

So they head to see the Great Fairy. I sort of forgot to mention that Midna has a bow, mostly because I didn’t pay it much mind. But Link did. He laments that he didn’t bring weapons on this “epic—and epic-ly dangerous—quest.” Listen, do you even know what the word epic means? Because the quest you’re writing isn’t exactly epic. And as for “epic-ly” dangerous—okay, so what’s happened so far? You jumped down a hole and talked to a strange man that the author hates. Really, the only thing that’s posed either of them any danger are Link’s cutting branches.

So there’s some scenery porn, and some guy is evidently selling a creature called a “rogue tomato.” Yeah. Midna acts snarky, and, like he’s done about five times already, Link grins. Because that seems to be the only thing he’s capable of doing in this story.

They reach Termina’s famous clock tower and go inside, evidently forgetting that that’s not where the Great Fairy is. Inside is the Happy Mask Salesman, who spews bullshit about why he’s here and that he’s some sort of guardian spirit and blah, blah, blah. I know there’s a lot of theories on what exactly the Happy Mask Salesman is, but I never really thought “guardian spirit.” I mean, he got a mask of incredible power stolen from him by a little imp. Really, I found him to be much more sinister. Maybe he’s the reincarnation of Majora, atoning for misdeeds of the past. Maybe he’s a future villain setting the whole thing up to test Link’s capabilities. Maybe I’m just rattling off theories now to avoid going back to reading that bullshit.

Clearly the face of a trustworthy man.  Clearly.

So, the Happy Mask Salesman goes on about how Link’s the Hero and whatnot and tells him that his quest will mirror the old Hero’s in “unexpected ways.” If it’s mirroring his quest, then nothing’s really going to be unexpected, is it? In the author’s defense, though, pretty much everything that happens in this story is unexpected, just because I don’t care enough to expect anything.

And then the Mask Dude bows and vanishes. Erm, question, author. What the hell was the point of all that? If you’re going to force a cameo, at least make it somewhat relevant. To accommodate this cameo, the author had to assume that the Happy Mask Salesman is somehow immortal (come to think of it, that’s what she implied with Tingle as well) and force Midna and Link to abandon their quest for no reason other than sightseeing. I suppose you could argue that the Happy Mask Salesman healed his soul or something and made him less emo. In that case, thank Farore, but then the angst riddled cutting branches scene was even more pointless than it already was.

Okay, right. So. Link goes to gather that one spare fairy at the laundry pool, somehow knowing that that’s what he’ll need to do despite the fact that Termina seems to be mostly fine and that without the Skull Kid causing mischief, there is no fucking reason for the Great Fairies to have been broken apart. And then Midna does this hilarious thing where she breaks the fourth wall. Here, just read it:

Really?” Midna scoffed. “So, in this ‘version’ of the story, the Hero just uses his Triforce symbol to lure the fairies. I mean, that’s a lot easier than the original Link running around wearing that retarded Great Fairy’s mask. Because, no offense, but she was a little freaky looking—especially on Link’s head…”

Either the author is inadvertently pointing out her own story’s flaws, or she’s just given up. I hope it’s the latter, but I suspect, largely due to the fact that there are still about 80 pages left, that it’s the former. Also, Midna, that’s the wrong Link. You know, the Link you didn’t seem to know about when you were in Twilight Princess and never would have had the opportunity to meet. Man, reading this story is like getting raped in the ass by Ganondorf’s sword.

So after a purple-haired girl in a yellow mask almost knocks them over (okay, please tell me that’s not supposed to be a reference to the blue-haired male Kafei), they go to North Clock town and briefly see Tingle again. Joy. At least he’s more normal this time and not an “I’ll get you, my pretty!” stalker.

So they meet the Great Fairy, blah, blah, their “time must be short” because the author has to force more cameos, blah, more plot exposition about how they have to get the three songs. They’ve gotta go visit Nayru at Ikana, and then go visit the…Zorita? The…the Zorita? Um…okay?

Anyway, she finishes up with her exposition and…dissolves in a…golden rain? Okay, seriously. What the fuck? Does the author not realize just what the fuck she just said?

Picture somewhat related.

Anyway, before she dissolves into fucking piss, she gives Link a hookshot. He checks it out. It’s the same one that Dampe gave Link. It’s in pretty good condition, considering that it’s most likely several centuries old by this point.

And that brings us to the end of the first four chapters. Four chapters in, and I can barely take any more of this. Sweet Nayru.

We’ve actually got a special treat—Chapter 5 is so long and so bad that we’re going to have to split it into two separate posts.  In the first part, we’ll see oddly ambiguous characters, oddly specific legends, and proof that video game mechanics don’t work so well when they’re written.

Andy

Published in: on January 30, 2011 at 1:18 am  Leave a Comment  
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