Silent Hero, Part 2, Chapter 1 and 2

Heeeeeeeeey, everyone!  We’re back, and we’re launching right back into Silent Hero!  Today we start Part 2, Chapter 1: The Voice Speaks Again.

When we last left our heroes, the they had visited the Twilight Realm and did pretty much nothing before heading back to Hyrule.  Now that they’ve returned to Hyrule, they’re chilling at Link’s place, realizing that “oh, shit, we really have no idea where to go from here” and that sleep is probably the best choice.

This is when Disembodied-Voice-Who-Is-Totally-Not-Zelda decides to speak again.  She tells them of sealed places of the ancient, original Hyrule, which house the spiritual stones that the first (but actually not the first) Link picked up.  They’re to be used to get to the Master Sword, because that’s just tradition in a Zelda quest and to break it would just be blasphemy.

So they have to get the three spiritual stones, put in hidden places guarded by three sages that they get to by playing Midna’s Requiem.  Where are they?  Let’s let Totally-Not-Zelda answer that question.

One Stone lies hidden in the Empress of the Wind.

One Stone rides the Spirit of the Seas.

One Stone is buried within the Goddess of the Sands.

Well.  Interesting choice, going with wind, water, sand instead of forest, fire, water.

So the voice tells them that to find the first goddess (does she mean the Empress of the Wind or the sage?), they should travel to the place where their journey began.  Um…if they’re in Kokiri forest, aren’t they kind of already there?  That’s where they started, isn’t it?

The voice tells them that she wants to reveal her full identity to them, but can’t.  But she can leave them with a name, and that name is….

…Pami?

Oh please tell me that I’m not going to end up eating my words.  Please, please please please please let it still actually be Zelda.

Oh, right, the writing itself.  After Pami gives her name, “The last fading word echoed like a fading zephyr, then stilled into an absolute hush.”

Wait, sorry, purple would have been a more appropriate color for this particular prose.

As they decide to get some sleep before heading back to the Mirror of Twilight (which is in Kokiri Forest yet—wow, what a journey!), Midna notes that they’ve heard nothing of Zelda or Ganon.  And Link’s like “yeah, that’s pretty weird and stuff or whatever” before brushing it off and watching Midna as he tries to sleep.  “Then, as her eyes gently closed, veiling the windows to her soul for another night, he closed his too and allowed sleep to come.”

Oh please shoot me now.

Chapter 2, The Stone Princess, opens with Link trying to track down Sarita before he takes off, but fails, since no one’s seen her around and she’s a master of “evasiveness and clever hiding.”  Yes, clever hiding.

Huuuuuurr, durr hurrr hurr I’m such a clever hider

So Link angsts about not being able to see Sarita as they head for the Mirror of Twilight.  Which means, naturally, that she’s there already.  She’s there making flower crowns for them because she was told that she would meet them there to guide them to the Gorons’ city.  Who told her?  Why that was oh never mind it looks like we’re moving on and it’s not important or anything.

Also, Link notes that Sarita and Midna are both his princesses in their own “rites.”

Diana, still a princess in her funeral rites.  (RIP, apologies for the potentially tasteless joke)

Sarita heads off to take them to Goron City, and we find out that she’s not the Sage of Wind—at least, not as far as she knows.  She just found the entrance while exploring the woods and some strange, cloaked woman (who may or may not be Pami but probably is), told her in a vision that yeah, this is more than just some random cave or something.

Sarita walks inside a tree, and Link and Midna follow.  It becomes clear at this point that Link and Midna’s guides must be doucheshits because when they walk into the tree, the ground suddenly isn’t there anymore!  Does no one ever think of warning anyone when something sudden and potentially frightening is going to happen?

They end up on some sort of slide (what it’s made of or how it works is never explained particularly well) and at the end, they’re near Goron City.  They then travel around in passageways that you can assume are pretty much lifted directly from Ocarina of Time.  The city is empty and quiet.  Too quiet.  As Sarita says, “It’s emptier than the Kokiri Wood during a thunderstorm.”  After a bit, she continues, adding, “Very much quieter too…especially minus the thunderstorm….”

That sentence kinda got away from you there, didn’t it?

After wandering around for a while, they find the Gorons, who welcome them and say that their princess has been waiting for them.  Are…are there even any female Gorons?  That is a good question.  In here, there apparently are.  Unless she’s not actually a Goron.

The Gorons decide that the best way to test Link is a game of “Find the Princess,” so they shove him into a room with a maze of statues of her and lock the door.  Because only the true hero would be able to pick out the princess for some arbitrary reason.  After a bit of searching, Link decides to pull out his ocarina and play “One of These Things is Not Like the Others.” 

No, I’m kidding.  He plays Saria’s song because that’s what makes Darunia dance in Ocarina of Time and Din forbid the story depart from that in any way.  And the princess starts dancing, exclaiming that it’s a HOT BEAT just like Darunia did.  That must be why the Gorons figured the true hero would know what to do.  Because the old stories inevitably included the part about the HOT BEAT.  Them be some detailed ancient legends, yo.

The princess, after blowing her cover,  reveals her name to be Onyx (not to be confused with Onix or Onox).  She’s the Sage of Wind that they’re looking for.  She’s going to send Link and Midna to the volcano on Death Mountain, where Link must fight a dragon named Codiya.  That’s maybe not the best name, but it’s not terrible so it’s not funny.  To make it funny, we’ll call him Cody.

Some more Gorons come and gather around after that, cheering Lady Onyx (one of them including a “wooooot” for some reason).  Then they go on about the HOT BEAT.  With quite a bit of emphasis on HOT and BEAT.  We get it.  Darunia described Saria’s Song as a HOT BEAT.  It’s regarded as one of the funniest moments of the game.  Stop killing it by driving it into the ground.

Also Onyx’s funetik aksent is inconsistant and I can’t tell what exactly she’s supposed to sound like.

So they head to the old king Darunia’s throne room, where they’ll need to play Midna’s Requiem to go back in time.  Unfortunately, it’s dangerous to go alone if you’re small like Saria (because short people got no reason to live or something), so she has to stay behind, and there’s a tearful goodbye that no one actually tears up for because no one actually cares about these characters.

And with that, Midna and Link utilize the time travel mechanics that half the Zelda games have and go baaaaaack to the paaaaaaaast!

Next time: Midna and Link fight Cody the Dragon in Part 2, Chapter 3: Beyond the Throne!

Advertisements
Published in: on January 12, 2013 at 12:14 am  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , , ,

Silent Hero, Chapter 9

 

Hello, everyone!  It has, once again, been a while!  Just over a year, it looks like.  But let’s jump back into the great pile of feces together with renewed vigor, shall we?

When we last left our heroes, Link and Midna had met a previous Link or something and gained another piece of Sierpinski’s Triforce.  Then they stepped into the Mirror of Twilight and headed off to the Twilight realm.  Now we’re on chapter 9, “A Link to Twilight.”  What a wonderful title.  Not at all awkward or unwieldy.  Okay, so I’ll admit that there is a little sincerity in there.  It could be worse.  But anyway, this is the last chapter in Part 1.  It’ll be Part 2 soon!  Wow!

As the two enter the mirror thing, Link sees this tunnel with all sorts of symbols swirling around them, which he surmises to be the Twilit language.  This is another case of “cinematic” writing.  This would totally look cool if it were a movie.  But since it’s a book, it really serves no purpose and just kind of sounds stupid.

When they arrive on the other side, Midna is overjoyed at showing Link her world.  She starts singing, and the two start dancing around happily.  Midna becomes exceedingly overjoyed.

Then she stops dead, “all glitter vanishing from her eyes as though someone peirced an arrow through the shimmering candle’s flame of her heart.”

…Okay, “shimmering candle’s flame of her heart?”  I mean, seriously?  Also, the choice of metaphor made me misread it at first.  I thought that she had literally been shot and was disappointed that I wasn’t able to make a joke about her taking an arrow to the knee heart.

It says a lot about this story that I’m bummed that she wasn’t killed because it deprived me of the chance to make a joke.

The narrative then takes a two-paragraph break from what’s going on to describe where exactly they are.  Description’s a good thing, but right after you’ve had a character go from joy to pain in an instant because of something she’s seen might not be the best time to wax poetic about the tall, arched windows and the patterns on the turquoise and black curtains.

Anyway, I’m sure you were all waiting to see what stopped Midna dead when I went on that discourse (SEE HOW IT DOESN’T WORK?).  What she saw was SaruZant.  Er, Zaruman.

So what is this mysterious new villain OC like?  Well…pretty generic.  He gloats about how she revealed the location of the portal to him, which he doesn’t even need except he does now because for some reason his magic has failed him?  He’s apparently at the Twilight palace to grab some stuff he’d left behind from the past.  What a coincidence that it just happened to be when they arrived.

Midna calls him a liar, saying that he came to torment her.  “Midna, my dear,” he shook his head, “for shame, always the dramaticist. You know, that’s really no way to speak to your old lover…”

“Always the dramaticist,” he said in the most hammy tone possible while milking the reveal that he and Midna share a history for all it’s worth.  Also, it’s “dramatist.”  Dramaticist isn’t a word.

Anyway, Zaruman notes her feelings for Link and comments that it must please her that he’s “silent and compliant,” also insinuating that she needs complete control to feel comfortable in a relationship.  Midna, determined to prove him wrong, decides to speak for Link and tells Zaruman to kindly fuck off kthnxbai.

Zaruman starts walking up to Midna and Link’s hand starts hovering over his sword.  Then Zaruman gloats a bit about how she’s powerless to stop him, the world is his, blah blah blah, standard villain stuff, then he kisses her hand.  Link finds himself fantasizing of all the terrible things he wants to do to Zaruman’s hand and lips.

Uh…dude.  You’re right there.  You’re literally holding Midna Sue’s other hand.  If you want to do something, what is stopping you from doing it?  I mean, seriously?  You’re literally right next to him.

But no, instead he lets Zaruman step into the portal and go poof.  Midna breaks down and starts crying.  Link sees her sitting there completely broken and is about to take the opportunity to cop a feel when someone else shows up!  Who could it possibly be?  It’s….

Dark Link?

Well, I shouldn’t be too surprised.  The plot so far has pretty much been a MidnaXLink shipping fic strung together by a series of cameos.

Anyway, Dark Link is in this story presumed to be the representation of Link’s dark side or something, and the two of them fight.  Why is he showing up?  Hell if I know.  Plot needed to happen and this was as good an option as any.  There’s another example of Link thinking back to ancient legends (i.e., gameplay mechanics) to help him.  Though this time, fortunately, it’s not as egregious, and things are actually resolved very differently than in the games: Link receives aid in a battle against Dark Link because while Dark Link mirrors him perfectly, he can’t predict Midna’s attacks.

So ultimately, Link faces the symbolic representation of the darkness within him by…having someone else do it for him.

Though it is still slightly preferable to “drawing from his knowledge of the ancient legends, Link found a corner to crouch in and just stabbed at Dark Link’s legs over and over again.”

So they kill Dark Link and he…regenerates.  Only now he’s a good guy and the only reason he was evil in the first place was because Zaruman cursed him.  He was really totally just there to give them another bit of the song and another piece of Sierpinski’s Triforce!  This means that they now know the entirety of Midna’s Requiem and have the entirety of the Triforce of Courage!

Now if only we didn’t have over half the story to go.

Dark Link finishes by telling them some helpful advice about the Triforce and balance and how they need both Courage and Wisdom to overcome power.  And then they…go back to Hyrule.

Huh.  Really?  We’re wasting our time jumping back and forth between everywhere for no reason again?  I mean…we just got to the Twilight realm.  And now we’re leaving it again?  Wow.  What a colossal waste of time.

And it is on that colossal waste of time that we conclude Part 1.  Wow.  What a great end to the first section of the book.  Join us next time for Chapter 1 of Part 2: The Voice Speaks Again.  In which…the voice speaks again.

Andy

Published in: on October 18, 2012 at 8:01 pm  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , , ,

Silent Hero, Chapter 8

 

It’s been a while, huh? Still, for me, it’s not long enough. Anyway, I read up on the previous entries and had a good chuckle. You all found my entries funny, right? I did too. And then I realized that someone had to have read the work they were based off of. And that that someone was me. And then all the repressed memories came flooding back.

…I’m really hesitant to start this again. Just give me a second.

Okay, screw it, let’s go.

Chapter 8, I believe. The chapter entitled “The House of Many Links.”

This is a terrible pun and I feel ashamed for making it.

I’m…not looking forward to this.

Okay. Let’s go. Deep breath, Andy. They head to Termina’s southern borders again. Termina is apparently a little dollhouse of a land compared to Hyrule (author’s metaphor), as it’s quite tiny. But so very apparently important to the story. I mean, we’re a third of the way through. Can’t we just leave Termina already?

Midna and Link roam around, listening for music (it’s been a while, but I think I recall them saying earlier that the not-quite-first Link’s spirit often played music after a hard mortal life’s work of boinking fishwomen). They eventually see his spirit and follow him.

Now, at this point, the author uses a pied piper metaphor. This is something that’s always bugged me to no end. I hate it when people describe things using terms, idioms, or references that don’t exist within a certain world. See, if a character in a Zelda fic were described to be “dumb as an ox,” I wouldn’t pay it too much mind. Cows exist in the Zelda universe, so why shouldn’t Oxen? In any sort of fiction with anthropomorphic animals, it’d gain added effect, as it implies that anthropomorphic oxen are often regarded as stupid. But if you’re writing a story in an alternate universe where bovine are nonexistent, do not use a metaphor relating to them. Similarly, do not reference stories in our universe in stories set in other universes. It just kills immersion.

“It’s like we’re Bill Murray from the movie Groundhog Day, forced to relive the same sequence of events over and over,” Tatl said to Link as he rewound time.  “What the hell’s a movie?” Link asked.

Anyway. They follow Link’s spirit to some sort of cave, which is pitch dark. Link guides Midna by the hand, because she’s evidently a complete incapable klutz and Link needs to hold her hand to keep her from tripping. And it’s a good thing he does, because she almost falls down a chasm. A chasm that’s apparently invisible until you almost fall in it. That’s the only real explanation, other than Midna and Link watching the sky in the pitch-black cave instead of the fucking floor like they should have been.

Also, there are torches giving off a faint light. The thing that always bugs me about things like this: how do the torches stay lit? Are they magic torches? Does Link’s spirit need to leave a light on so that he doesn’t get scared?

So there’s a ledge on the other side, and they need to get to it. The answer has to do with the Deku Mask from Majora’s Mask, which is hanging between two torches. Link hookshots it over, then puts it on to transform into a Deku, which Midna responds to with “Awe, aren’t you adorable?” Yes, that’s how she spelled “Aw.”

Anyway, kids, can you guess what happens next? What’s that? *gasp* That’s right! There is a sequence where the author just describes something similar to the game, in which game mechanics are described in the “legends of old.” Yes, the story starts to read like a walkthrough for Majora’s Mask, complete with flower gliders appearing our of Link’s hammerspace. I cannot stress enough how painful it is to read game mechanics being forced into something that isn’t a game. Because the next thing Link does is step on a switch that triggers a bridge falling from above, landing in place. Now, in video games, we expect things like that to work. But in literature, things are tied much more closely to logic. How’s the bridge land perfectly? Why doesn’t it shatter on impact? Why doesn’t the shockwave knock Link or Midna over the edge of the abyss, and how does the rock not shatter under the impact, destroying the foundations and tipping the bridge into the chasm anyway? Think, author! These are important questions.

So Link decides that it’s time to stop pretending to be Pinocchio, so he attempts to take the mask off. But then he finds out he can’t. Not, at least, until he puts on the next mask they discover, the Goron mask. He goes through the Majora’s Mask walkthrough segment again, the bridge drops, lather, wash, rinse, repeat. There’s a brief interlude when Link puts on Zora mask where they flash back to the story of Mikau (i.e. Link the Fishfucker) and Lulu and why would you make me remember that? Fortunately, it’s only a brief mention, and Link once again comes across a Zora puzzle lifted directly from Majora’s Mask.

Midna worries that she won’t be able to survive the journey under the water (since she doesn’t have the abilities of a Zora), and Link decides that the best way to deal with this is to grab her without warning and plunge under the water with her. Because warning her would be too easy. But it’s okay, because if he screws up, the game mechanics will save him and they’ll be brought back to the room where they can catch their breath again!

Link is able to control his path by making himself more streamlined (completely ignoring the fact that the fact that he’s carrying Midna should negate this) and manages to make it through the water tunnels. On to the next room. This one is a giant abyss that requires the Giant’s Mask. This one he’s actually able to take off. So we’re done with this, right?

Nope! Link still hasn’t put on the Postman’s Hat or the All-Nighter Mask or I’m just kidding it’s just the Fierce Deity Mask. Link puts it on and another Link drops down to have a friendly battle with him for a bit. The other Link throws some sort of flashbomb that reverts them both to their natural forms. Turns out that the whole thing was an illusion that Spirit Link (for some reason, he’s not referred to as the Many-Link anymore) created as a test which means that no, the masks probably won’t play a part again and no, they probably weren’t in any real danger in the first place. Don’t you just live anti-climaxes? They find themselves chilling at Spirit Link’s house, Link and Midna are honored to meet Spirit Link, and Spirit Link is honored to meet his successor and said successor’s princess.

You know, you could at least try to be subtle about your shipping.

Since Link lives in Hyrule, technically Zelda would be his princess, regardless of romantic interest.  I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t feel any romantic obligation to his king.

But on to the point of the visit. Spirit Link pulls out the Ocarina of Time, Link pulls out his Ocarina, Midna pulls out her flute, and they learn the song. And then Spirit Link passes on his piece of Sierpinski’s Triforce to Link.

With that, Spirit Link realizes that the time allotted his Cameo is up, and he provides a warp crystal to take Link and Midna back to Hyrule, stating that he must return to his place among the Zorita, asking Link as he strokes the Zora mask if he thinks they have room for a bass guitar player in their new band. Maybe I’m forgetting something here, but when did they say that Spirit Zora Link chilled with the Zorita, or even that the Zorita were forming a band? I’ll have to remember to never reread this to find out.  Not too hard, since I don’t really care anyway.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!  We are Many-Link and the Fishfuckers, and we are here to rock your world!

As Link and Midna do the locationwarp again, Link catches a glimps of Spirit Zora Link already jamming on his skeleton guitar. I still don’t exactly get the logistics of a dead guy hanging with a hybrid race as a member of a different extinct race to start a band with them.

As the chapter ends, they find themselves back in Hyrule—but not for long! Because they’re planning to check out the Twilight Realm now! They prance into the Mirror of Twilight hand-in-hand. Fade to black.

Stay tuned for the next chapter, “A Link to Twilight,” our last chapter before we begin Part 2!

Silent Hero, Chapter 5 (1/2)

 

And now, for chapter five: Goddess of Time. Gee, I wonder if we’re going to meet Nayru in this chapter. Actually, I don’t. What I do wonder is how many other characters are going to pop up for a pointless one-paragraph cameo.

The journey to Ikana begins with a long, monotonous stretch of field, followed by a long, monotonous continuation of bland description that really adds nothing to the mood of the story and serves only to say “look, we’re here now.”

They start climbing through the canyon, and eventually hit a dead end. There is, however, a wooden post with a target painted on it. And Link knows to use the hookshot, not because of common sense but because—get this—it’s mentioned in the legends. Yes. Evidently there’s a part of the legend that goes “And then, at a massive expanse of nothingness, Link came across this wooden post with a target painted on it! Many men had attempted to figure out this obstacle and failed. However, Link used the power of mental thinking to deduce that he had to use the hookshot on this obstacle that was evidently set up for that sole purpose!” You couldn’t have him use it on a tree or anything natural, could you? It had to be a nod to the games worked into the story in a completely unnatural way, didn’t it?

So he fires the hookshot off at the target, and it sticks fast. He then grabs Midna and Star Warses across the gap. Midna is not amused. She calls him an Imp (don’t ask why Imp is capitalized; probably because it’s unsubtle Irony with a capital I) and takes another unnecessary shot at Tingle. Also, if the hookshot’s thingamers stick into the wood like that, how does he get it to release? That’s never really explained, and we’re just supposed to assume that it gets unstuck somehow.

They try to figure out what to do from there, and notice a tile on the spire that’s colored differently and is slightly raised. Evidently stone spires are covered in tiles now. He stands on the tile, and another target post pops out from somewhere. See, this is why video game puzzles shouldn’t be used in books or movies: they sound fucking stupid if they’re not in a video game.

Anyway, they have to figure this puzzle out. They need a block to put on the tile to keep it down, but they don’t have anything. So what does Link do? He pulls out his ocarina and plays a song. Saria’s Song, to be exact. Evidently Sarita is named after Saria, by the way. Doesn’t excuse the lazy naming.

Naturally, a statue of Link appears. Because, as we all know, that’s totally what Saria’s Song does. And not the Elegy of Emptiness. Come on, author. If you’re going to use such canon porn, make sure you get the fucking canon right.

BEN

Fucking up my canon?  You shouldn’t have done that….

They move on, and things start getting confusing. There’s five more spires, and Link keeps playing the song, after which Midna gets frustrated/exhausted and says “nice try.” So…did the song not do anything? I don’t know. He tries a different song, but when he’s about to blow into the ocarina, he hears a voice calling his name. He instinctively reaches down to his belt for a sword. Now, he practices with wooden swords, but I don’t really think he tends to carry one on him. So why would he automatically reach for one? Either way, Midna decides that since the plot forgot to give him a weapon, she’ll hand him a spare rapier she just managed to have on her. Or maybe she pulled it out of her ass, just like with the mirror.

Anyway, the disembodied voice that really isn’t explained says that they’re on the right path, and offers this riddle as an aid: what is done within must be repeated without. Hey, disembodied voice that is pretty obviously Nayru! It’d be a lot more helpful if you just fucking told him what to fucking do!

Evidently, what the riddle meant is that he has to stand on the tile, then step off, and then play the song. Really? Come on. Old Man gives better hints than that. I mean, “there are secrets where fairies don’t live” actually makes sense once you know what to do. This is just a logic-less riddle.

Still makes more sense than “what is done within must be repeated without.”

So they continue the puzzle that would have been tedious even in a game, and reach the temple of the Goddess of Time. Evidently, someone tore down Stone Tower Temple and then built the temple on top of it to essentially piss on the old architectural wonder. I’m not theorizing, by the way…that’s what’s heavily implied to have happened in the story.

It’s at this point that I scroll down the PDF file I’ve been reading it on to check just how long this chapter is. And it’s at this point that I become scared. Very scared. It’s about twice as long as any other chapter so far.

Let’s get back to this train wreck, though. There are several paragraphs of more description that attempt to sound breathtaking, but aren’t. Anyway, they enter the temple and find the Goddess of Time sitting there. She’s dressed in the swooshy billowy type of robes, has apricot eyes (okay, wtf? That’s unusual) and…night-ebony curls?

Okay, where to start? First of all, I think I’m going to include a page dedicated to drinking games. Thank you, the word ebony, for reminding me just how frequently you pop up in bad fiction. Secondly, night-ebony is redundant. Ebony hair would be black. Night-ebony hair would also be black. Plus, night-ebony just sounds stupid. And third, I was under the assumption that the Goddess of Time was Nayru. I mean, that’s who most of the fandom assumes is the Goddess of Time, due largely to Oracle of Ages and the fact that all the time-related magic is blue, Nayru’s color. If this is Nayru, her hair is supposed to be fucking blue, not black. That’s at least three problems contracted all into one small bundle of “night-ebony curls.”

Untitled

This is all I can think of when I hear the word “ebony.”

So evidently, the first Link (again, referring to the Ocarina of Time Link who, again, was not the first one) freed her and allowed her to return to her rightful place in…Termina, I guess. Even though they don’t seem to worship the goddesses in Termina and the only place I’ve heard the Goddesss of Time mentioned is in Hyrule.

Excuse me for a moment while I find some tree branches to go cut myself with.

Well, the next part of this chapter contains blatant foreshadowing, Link being an asshole, and the fucking dumbest name for anything ever.  You’ve been warned in advance, but I’d prefer you still come back so that my self-torture isn’t all pointless.

Andy

Published in: on February 5, 2011 at 12:17 pm  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , ,