Silent Hero, Chapter 9

 

Hello, everyone!  It has, once again, been a while!  Just over a year, it looks like.  But let’s jump back into the great pile of feces together with renewed vigor, shall we?

When we last left our heroes, Link and Midna had met a previous Link or something and gained another piece of Sierpinski’s Triforce.  Then they stepped into the Mirror of Twilight and headed off to the Twilight realm.  Now we’re on chapter 9, “A Link to Twilight.”  What a wonderful title.  Not at all awkward or unwieldy.  Okay, so I’ll admit that there is a little sincerity in there.  It could be worse.  But anyway, this is the last chapter in Part 1.  It’ll be Part 2 soon!  Wow!

As the two enter the mirror thing, Link sees this tunnel with all sorts of symbols swirling around them, which he surmises to be the Twilit language.  This is another case of “cinematic” writing.  This would totally look cool if it were a movie.  But since it’s a book, it really serves no purpose and just kind of sounds stupid.

When they arrive on the other side, Midna is overjoyed at showing Link her world.  She starts singing, and the two start dancing around happily.  Midna becomes exceedingly overjoyed.

Then she stops dead, “all glitter vanishing from her eyes as though someone peirced an arrow through the shimmering candle’s flame of her heart.”

…Okay, “shimmering candle’s flame of her heart?”  I mean, seriously?  Also, the choice of metaphor made me misread it at first.  I thought that she had literally been shot and was disappointed that I wasn’t able to make a joke about her taking an arrow to the knee heart.

It says a lot about this story that I’m bummed that she wasn’t killed because it deprived me of the chance to make a joke.

The narrative then takes a two-paragraph break from what’s going on to describe where exactly they are.  Description’s a good thing, but right after you’ve had a character go from joy to pain in an instant because of something she’s seen might not be the best time to wax poetic about the tall, arched windows and the patterns on the turquoise and black curtains.

Anyway, I’m sure you were all waiting to see what stopped Midna dead when I went on that discourse (SEE HOW IT DOESN’T WORK?).  What she saw was SaruZant.  Er, Zaruman.

So what is this mysterious new villain OC like?  Well…pretty generic.  He gloats about how she revealed the location of the portal to him, which he doesn’t even need except he does now because for some reason his magic has failed him?  He’s apparently at the Twilight palace to grab some stuff he’d left behind from the past.  What a coincidence that it just happened to be when they arrived.

Midna calls him a liar, saying that he came to torment her.  “Midna, my dear,” he shook his head, “for shame, always the dramaticist. You know, that’s really no way to speak to your old lover…”

“Always the dramaticist,” he said in the most hammy tone possible while milking the reveal that he and Midna share a history for all it’s worth.  Also, it’s “dramatist.”  Dramaticist isn’t a word.

Anyway, Zaruman notes her feelings for Link and comments that it must please her that he’s “silent and compliant,” also insinuating that she needs complete control to feel comfortable in a relationship.  Midna, determined to prove him wrong, decides to speak for Link and tells Zaruman to kindly fuck off kthnxbai.

Zaruman starts walking up to Midna and Link’s hand starts hovering over his sword.  Then Zaruman gloats a bit about how she’s powerless to stop him, the world is his, blah blah blah, standard villain stuff, then he kisses her hand.  Link finds himself fantasizing of all the terrible things he wants to do to Zaruman’s hand and lips.

Uh…dude.  You’re right there.  You’re literally holding Midna Sue’s other hand.  If you want to do something, what is stopping you from doing it?  I mean, seriously?  You’re literally right next to him.

But no, instead he lets Zaruman step into the portal and go poof.  Midna breaks down and starts crying.  Link sees her sitting there completely broken and is about to take the opportunity to cop a feel when someone else shows up!  Who could it possibly be?  It’s….

Dark Link?

Well, I shouldn’t be too surprised.  The plot so far has pretty much been a MidnaXLink shipping fic strung together by a series of cameos.

Anyway, Dark Link is in this story presumed to be the representation of Link’s dark side or something, and the two of them fight.  Why is he showing up?  Hell if I know.  Plot needed to happen and this was as good an option as any.  There’s another example of Link thinking back to ancient legends (i.e., gameplay mechanics) to help him.  Though this time, fortunately, it’s not as egregious, and things are actually resolved very differently than in the games: Link receives aid in a battle against Dark Link because while Dark Link mirrors him perfectly, he can’t predict Midna’s attacks.

So ultimately, Link faces the symbolic representation of the darkness within him by…having someone else do it for him.

Though it is still slightly preferable to “drawing from his knowledge of the ancient legends, Link found a corner to crouch in and just stabbed at Dark Link’s legs over and over again.”

So they kill Dark Link and he…regenerates.  Only now he’s a good guy and the only reason he was evil in the first place was because Zaruman cursed him.  He was really totally just there to give them another bit of the song and another piece of Sierpinski’s Triforce!  This means that they now know the entirety of Midna’s Requiem and have the entirety of the Triforce of Courage!

Now if only we didn’t have over half the story to go.

Dark Link finishes by telling them some helpful advice about the Triforce and balance and how they need both Courage and Wisdom to overcome power.  And then they…go back to Hyrule.

Huh.  Really?  We’re wasting our time jumping back and forth between everywhere for no reason again?  I mean…we just got to the Twilight realm.  And now we’re leaving it again?  Wow.  What a colossal waste of time.

And it is on that colossal waste of time that we conclude Part 1.  Wow.  What a great end to the first section of the book.  Join us next time for Chapter 1 of Part 2: The Voice Speaks Again.  In which…the voice speaks again.

Andy

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Published in: on October 18, 2012 at 8:01 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Silent Hero, Chapter 4

 

Chapter four, then: A True Fairy. Lemme guess—Tingle’s in this chapter, right? Oh fucking boy.

So, Link’s holding tightly to Midna’s hand as they fall, though not out of fear. Because the fear has dissipated and given way to excitement and…wait, wait, wait, back up a second. Are we not allowed to know why he’s holding Midna’s hand so tightly? Is it the adrenaline boost? Because that’s kinda stupid. Is it that he likes her? I don’t know; it’s never fucking explained.

Admittedly, I’d like to give the author props for the entrance into Termina. It’s actually very well done. Essentially what happens is that they jump off a cliff into nothingness, and pieces of the world appear and start falling with them, as if the world is solidifying. The lines of reality start blurring, and they don’t every land in Termina—they just notice that they stopped falling at some point. It’s pretty cool, and while it’s a concept never used in a Zelda game, it seems like it’d fit in it very well. I can imagine that that’s what teleportation is like.

And then she ruins all the magic by making Tingle the very first thing they encounter in Termina.

Wheeeee….

It’s quite clear that Tingle’s only purpose in this story is for the author to vent about how much she hates him. She channels Midna and slanders him in every way possible. Yes, we get it. Tingle is annoying. You don’t have to rub it in our faces. It’s painful to read. It’s not important to the plot. If you hate him, you could have just, oh, I don’t know, left him out of the story. Wait, no, on second thought, that would be giving him too much honor. I mean, if I were a Zelda character, I’d absolutely love to be left out of this.

But Tingle can’t just be annoying. Oh, no, he has to be waaaaaay more creepy. Evidently, he has “connections” and “favor” with the Great Fairies. Those quotation marks aren’t mine, by the way. The author added them in. Yeah. And Tingle evidently is hitting on Midna. Sweet Nayru, does this author ever need to get over her hatred of Tingle.

So they head to see the Great Fairy. I sort of forgot to mention that Midna has a bow, mostly because I didn’t pay it much mind. But Link did. He laments that he didn’t bring weapons on this “epic—and epic-ly dangerous—quest.” Listen, do you even know what the word epic means? Because the quest you’re writing isn’t exactly epic. And as for “epic-ly” dangerous—okay, so what’s happened so far? You jumped down a hole and talked to a strange man that the author hates. Really, the only thing that’s posed either of them any danger are Link’s cutting branches.

So there’s some scenery porn, and some guy is evidently selling a creature called a “rogue tomato.” Yeah. Midna acts snarky, and, like he’s done about five times already, Link grins. Because that seems to be the only thing he’s capable of doing in this story.

They reach Termina’s famous clock tower and go inside, evidently forgetting that that’s not where the Great Fairy is. Inside is the Happy Mask Salesman, who spews bullshit about why he’s here and that he’s some sort of guardian spirit and blah, blah, blah. I know there’s a lot of theories on what exactly the Happy Mask Salesman is, but I never really thought “guardian spirit.” I mean, he got a mask of incredible power stolen from him by a little imp. Really, I found him to be much more sinister. Maybe he’s the reincarnation of Majora, atoning for misdeeds of the past. Maybe he’s a future villain setting the whole thing up to test Link’s capabilities. Maybe I’m just rattling off theories now to avoid going back to reading that bullshit.

Clearly the face of a trustworthy man.  Clearly.

So, the Happy Mask Salesman goes on about how Link’s the Hero and whatnot and tells him that his quest will mirror the old Hero’s in “unexpected ways.” If it’s mirroring his quest, then nothing’s really going to be unexpected, is it? In the author’s defense, though, pretty much everything that happens in this story is unexpected, just because I don’t care enough to expect anything.

And then the Mask Dude bows and vanishes. Erm, question, author. What the hell was the point of all that? If you’re going to force a cameo, at least make it somewhat relevant. To accommodate this cameo, the author had to assume that the Happy Mask Salesman is somehow immortal (come to think of it, that’s what she implied with Tingle as well) and force Midna and Link to abandon their quest for no reason other than sightseeing. I suppose you could argue that the Happy Mask Salesman healed his soul or something and made him less emo. In that case, thank Farore, but then the angst riddled cutting branches scene was even more pointless than it already was.

Okay, right. So. Link goes to gather that one spare fairy at the laundry pool, somehow knowing that that’s what he’ll need to do despite the fact that Termina seems to be mostly fine and that without the Skull Kid causing mischief, there is no fucking reason for the Great Fairies to have been broken apart. And then Midna does this hilarious thing where she breaks the fourth wall. Here, just read it:

Really?” Midna scoffed. “So, in this ‘version’ of the story, the Hero just uses his Triforce symbol to lure the fairies. I mean, that’s a lot easier than the original Link running around wearing that retarded Great Fairy’s mask. Because, no offense, but she was a little freaky looking—especially on Link’s head…”

Either the author is inadvertently pointing out her own story’s flaws, or she’s just given up. I hope it’s the latter, but I suspect, largely due to the fact that there are still about 80 pages left, that it’s the former. Also, Midna, that’s the wrong Link. You know, the Link you didn’t seem to know about when you were in Twilight Princess and never would have had the opportunity to meet. Man, reading this story is like getting raped in the ass by Ganondorf’s sword.

So after a purple-haired girl in a yellow mask almost knocks them over (okay, please tell me that’s not supposed to be a reference to the blue-haired male Kafei), they go to North Clock town and briefly see Tingle again. Joy. At least he’s more normal this time and not an “I’ll get you, my pretty!” stalker.

So they meet the Great Fairy, blah, blah, their “time must be short” because the author has to force more cameos, blah, more plot exposition about how they have to get the three songs. They’ve gotta go visit Nayru at Ikana, and then go visit the…Zorita? The…the Zorita? Um…okay?

Anyway, she finishes up with her exposition and…dissolves in a…golden rain? Okay, seriously. What the fuck? Does the author not realize just what the fuck she just said?

Picture somewhat related.

Anyway, before she dissolves into fucking piss, she gives Link a hookshot. He checks it out. It’s the same one that Dampe gave Link. It’s in pretty good condition, considering that it’s most likely several centuries old by this point.

And that brings us to the end of the first four chapters. Four chapters in, and I can barely take any more of this. Sweet Nayru.

We’ve actually got a special treat—Chapter 5 is so long and so bad that we’re going to have to split it into two separate posts.  In the first part, we’ll see oddly ambiguous characters, oddly specific legends, and proof that video game mechanics don’t work so well when they’re written.

Andy

Published in: on January 30, 2011 at 1:18 am  Leave a Comment  
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Silent Hero, Prologue and Chapter 1

Okay, now we dive into the prologue, entitled “Creation.” It’s essentially just a retelling of the Hyrule creation myth laid out in Ocarina of Time. The writing still doesn’t feel like anything special.  Just a prologue.

And now we’re on to “Part 1.” Oh. Great. There’s parts. Anyway, Part 1, Chapter 1: The Lost Hero.

The LOST hero.

So now we’re getting exposition about Kokiri Forest. You know, for a story that evidently doesn’t feature Link, it’s feeling a lot like an Ocarina of Time novelization so far. Also, evidently the Ocarina of Time Link is known as the “Great Hero of All Times,” instead of the more canonical and much less wordy “Hero of Time.”

So evidently this exposition (which I largely expect to be pointless in the long run) is a legend being told by the Kokiri named Joller. Kind of a dumb name, but maybe that’s just me. There’s apparently some sort of festival going on in Kokiri Forest. At least, it had better be in Kokiri Forest, as the Kokiri kind of can’t leave.

And Link’s evidently there. Great. So they’re telling legends about a guy who’s right there.

Aaaaaaaand what the fuck? It sounds like an Ocarina of Time reference, but no, this evidently takes place in the future in the Wind Waker timeline. Really. And evidently the Kokiri are green-skinned now. Okay, seriously, I’m a bit lost now. When does this story take place? Is it in New Hyrule (the one in Spirit Tracks), because I don’t think the remains of Kokiri Forest are there. Unless the land sprung back and everyone decided “hey, let’s completely abandon this nation and go back to Old Hyrule!”

And it seems like this story’s protagonist is, in fact, Link. But a different Link. Okay, this is my fault. I should have seen that this is what the author meant by Link’s heir, since there are about seven different confirmed Links at this point in Nintendo canon. And he’s mute, like some people believe Link is. And he’s angsting over how he feels so left out because he can’t sing, meaning that he’s evidently a complete outcast. Couldn’t he just, oh, I dunno, play an instrument? I don’t think the Kokiri would have a problem with that. I mean, they’ve been shown to play ocarinas and violins in the past at the very least.

And sweet Nayru, this is the angstiest Link I’ve ever seen. No, seriously, read this:

Quietly, he stole up the hill, slipping into the thick of the woods like an insignificant shadow. Long ago he’d mastered the art of complete silence. Why not? With no voice, at least that was one talent he could manage to master. Rushing past the trees, he was careless as their branches scraped his skin, burning with small scratches and tears. He didn’t care; the pain felt good. It allowed the pain of his heart to ease just a little, to be replaced, if but temporarily. The burning of those small scars helped him to blink back fiery tears of scars buried much deeper within himself…

Really? You’re going to turn Link into an angry person with emotional pain who loves hurting himself because it makes him somehow feel better? Sweet Nayru, how long until he starts writing poetry about the dark miasma of his soul?

“This knife doesn’t hurt enough.  Now if only I had some branches….” (Image credit to tinzuka95)

Thankfully, he’s yanked out of this emo-fest by his friend…oh, no. Oh, Din, no. Sarita? Really? No! That’s lazy, even by fanfiction standards. Is he going to meet a redheaded farm girl named Marlon or the princess’s attendant Inpa?* No! Good Lord, this “fan novel” is starting to make me as emo as its protagonist.

So…Sarita…decides to snap him out of it by telling him that he’s good at other things that don’t involve talking, and says that everyone thinks he looks so much like the ancient Hero. Yes, someone who they almost certainly have never met, since he was long dead by the time they evolved into barklings and back. I must have missed the part in the games where the Kokiri erected a giant statue of him that has somehow managed not to be lost underwater when Hyrule flooded.

Link decides that he feels better and only wants a few more minutes of whining (as opposed to hours), so Sarita (who has been compared to a sage twice already…you know, a sage, like Saria was in Ocarina of Time!  Did you catch that, guys?  Did you catch it?  It’s so subtle, I barely caught it myself!) lets him go off into the woods. Link decides to spend that time thinking about trees. Then a star crashes into the earth or something, and he goes to check it out, seeing a queen of some sort step out of a mirror.

And that’s where the chapter ends!  Stay tuned for asspulls, the logical fallacies of choosing the side of evil, and the worst handling of the Triforce ever as we review chapters 2 and 3!

Andy

*Note: For those not familiar with the Legend of Zelda series, these names are a reference to Malon and Impa, two characters who share roles with their theoretical counterparts I came up with on the spot.

Published in: on January 14, 2011 at 3:09 pm  Comments (2)  
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