Silent Hero, Part 2, Chapter 1 and 2

Heeeeeeeeey, everyone!  We’re back, and we’re launching right back into Silent Hero!  Today we start Part 2, Chapter 1: The Voice Speaks Again.

When we last left our heroes, the they had visited the Twilight Realm and did pretty much nothing before heading back to Hyrule.  Now that they’ve returned to Hyrule, they’re chilling at Link’s place, realizing that “oh, shit, we really have no idea where to go from here” and that sleep is probably the best choice.

This is when Disembodied-Voice-Who-Is-Totally-Not-Zelda decides to speak again.  She tells them of sealed places of the ancient, original Hyrule, which house the spiritual stones that the first (but actually not the first) Link picked up.  They’re to be used to get to the Master Sword, because that’s just tradition in a Zelda quest and to break it would just be blasphemy.

So they have to get the three spiritual stones, put in hidden places guarded by three sages that they get to by playing Midna’s Requiem.  Where are they?  Let’s let Totally-Not-Zelda answer that question.

One Stone lies hidden in the Empress of the Wind.

One Stone rides the Spirit of the Seas.

One Stone is buried within the Goddess of the Sands.

Well.  Interesting choice, going with wind, water, sand instead of forest, fire, water.

So the voice tells them that to find the first goddess (does she mean the Empress of the Wind or the sage?), they should travel to the place where their journey began.  Um…if they’re in Kokiri forest, aren’t they kind of already there?  That’s where they started, isn’t it?

The voice tells them that she wants to reveal her full identity to them, but can’t.  But she can leave them with a name, and that name is….

…Pami?

Oh please tell me that I’m not going to end up eating my words.  Please, please please please please let it still actually be Zelda.

Oh, right, the writing itself.  After Pami gives her name, “The last fading word echoed like a fading zephyr, then stilled into an absolute hush.”

Wait, sorry, purple would have been a more appropriate color for this particular prose.

As they decide to get some sleep before heading back to the Mirror of Twilight (which is in Kokiri Forest yet—wow, what a journey!), Midna notes that they’ve heard nothing of Zelda or Ganon.  And Link’s like “yeah, that’s pretty weird and stuff or whatever” before brushing it off and watching Midna as he tries to sleep.  “Then, as her eyes gently closed, veiling the windows to her soul for another night, he closed his too and allowed sleep to come.”

Oh please shoot me now.

Chapter 2, The Stone Princess, opens with Link trying to track down Sarita before he takes off, but fails, since no one’s seen her around and she’s a master of “evasiveness and clever hiding.”  Yes, clever hiding.

Huuuuuurr, durr hurrr hurr I’m such a clever hider

So Link angsts about not being able to see Sarita as they head for the Mirror of Twilight.  Which means, naturally, that she’s there already.  She’s there making flower crowns for them because she was told that she would meet them there to guide them to the Gorons’ city.  Who told her?  Why that was oh never mind it looks like we’re moving on and it’s not important or anything.

Also, Link notes that Sarita and Midna are both his princesses in their own “rites.”

Diana, still a princess in her funeral rites.  (RIP, apologies for the potentially tasteless joke)

Sarita heads off to take them to Goron City, and we find out that she’s not the Sage of Wind—at least, not as far as she knows.  She just found the entrance while exploring the woods and some strange, cloaked woman (who may or may not be Pami but probably is), told her in a vision that yeah, this is more than just some random cave or something.

Sarita walks inside a tree, and Link and Midna follow.  It becomes clear at this point that Link and Midna’s guides must be doucheshits because when they walk into the tree, the ground suddenly isn’t there anymore!  Does no one ever think of warning anyone when something sudden and potentially frightening is going to happen?

They end up on some sort of slide (what it’s made of or how it works is never explained particularly well) and at the end, they’re near Goron City.  They then travel around in passageways that you can assume are pretty much lifted directly from Ocarina of Time.  The city is empty and quiet.  Too quiet.  As Sarita says, “It’s emptier than the Kokiri Wood during a thunderstorm.”  After a bit, she continues, adding, “Very much quieter too…especially minus the thunderstorm….”

That sentence kinda got away from you there, didn’t it?

After wandering around for a while, they find the Gorons, who welcome them and say that their princess has been waiting for them.  Are…are there even any female Gorons?  That is a good question.  In here, there apparently are.  Unless she’s not actually a Goron.

The Gorons decide that the best way to test Link is a game of “Find the Princess,” so they shove him into a room with a maze of statues of her and lock the door.  Because only the true hero would be able to pick out the princess for some arbitrary reason.  After a bit of searching, Link decides to pull out his ocarina and play “One of These Things is Not Like the Others.” 

No, I’m kidding.  He plays Saria’s song because that’s what makes Darunia dance in Ocarina of Time and Din forbid the story depart from that in any way.  And the princess starts dancing, exclaiming that it’s a HOT BEAT just like Darunia did.  That must be why the Gorons figured the true hero would know what to do.  Because the old stories inevitably included the part about the HOT BEAT.  Them be some detailed ancient legends, yo.

The princess, after blowing her cover,  reveals her name to be Onyx (not to be confused with Onix or Onox).  She’s the Sage of Wind that they’re looking for.  She’s going to send Link and Midna to the volcano on Death Mountain, where Link must fight a dragon named Codiya.  That’s maybe not the best name, but it’s not terrible so it’s not funny.  To make it funny, we’ll call him Cody.

Some more Gorons come and gather around after that, cheering Lady Onyx (one of them including a “wooooot” for some reason).  Then they go on about the HOT BEAT.  With quite a bit of emphasis on HOT and BEAT.  We get it.  Darunia described Saria’s Song as a HOT BEAT.  It’s regarded as one of the funniest moments of the game.  Stop killing it by driving it into the ground.

Also Onyx’s funetik aksent is inconsistant and I can’t tell what exactly she’s supposed to sound like.

So they head to the old king Darunia’s throne room, where they’ll need to play Midna’s Requiem to go back in time.  Unfortunately, it’s dangerous to go alone if you’re small like Saria (because short people got no reason to live or something), so she has to stay behind, and there’s a tearful goodbye that no one actually tears up for because no one actually cares about these characters.

And with that, Midna and Link utilize the time travel mechanics that half the Zelda games have and go baaaaaack to the paaaaaaaast!

Next time: Midna and Link fight Cody the Dragon in Part 2, Chapter 3: Beyond the Throne!

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Published in: on January 12, 2013 at 12:14 am  Leave a Comment  
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Silent Hero, Chapter 9

 

Hello, everyone!  It has, once again, been a while!  Just over a year, it looks like.  But let’s jump back into the great pile of feces together with renewed vigor, shall we?

When we last left our heroes, Link and Midna had met a previous Link or something and gained another piece of Sierpinski’s Triforce.  Then they stepped into the Mirror of Twilight and headed off to the Twilight realm.  Now we’re on chapter 9, “A Link to Twilight.”  What a wonderful title.  Not at all awkward or unwieldy.  Okay, so I’ll admit that there is a little sincerity in there.  It could be worse.  But anyway, this is the last chapter in Part 1.  It’ll be Part 2 soon!  Wow!

As the two enter the mirror thing, Link sees this tunnel with all sorts of symbols swirling around them, which he surmises to be the Twilit language.  This is another case of “cinematic” writing.  This would totally look cool if it were a movie.  But since it’s a book, it really serves no purpose and just kind of sounds stupid.

When they arrive on the other side, Midna is overjoyed at showing Link her world.  She starts singing, and the two start dancing around happily.  Midna becomes exceedingly overjoyed.

Then she stops dead, “all glitter vanishing from her eyes as though someone peirced an arrow through the shimmering candle’s flame of her heart.”

…Okay, “shimmering candle’s flame of her heart?”  I mean, seriously?  Also, the choice of metaphor made me misread it at first.  I thought that she had literally been shot and was disappointed that I wasn’t able to make a joke about her taking an arrow to the knee heart.

It says a lot about this story that I’m bummed that she wasn’t killed because it deprived me of the chance to make a joke.

The narrative then takes a two-paragraph break from what’s going on to describe where exactly they are.  Description’s a good thing, but right after you’ve had a character go from joy to pain in an instant because of something she’s seen might not be the best time to wax poetic about the tall, arched windows and the patterns on the turquoise and black curtains.

Anyway, I’m sure you were all waiting to see what stopped Midna dead when I went on that discourse (SEE HOW IT DOESN’T WORK?).  What she saw was SaruZant.  Er, Zaruman.

So what is this mysterious new villain OC like?  Well…pretty generic.  He gloats about how she revealed the location of the portal to him, which he doesn’t even need except he does now because for some reason his magic has failed him?  He’s apparently at the Twilight palace to grab some stuff he’d left behind from the past.  What a coincidence that it just happened to be when they arrived.

Midna calls him a liar, saying that he came to torment her.  “Midna, my dear,” he shook his head, “for shame, always the dramaticist. You know, that’s really no way to speak to your old lover…”

“Always the dramaticist,” he said in the most hammy tone possible while milking the reveal that he and Midna share a history for all it’s worth.  Also, it’s “dramatist.”  Dramaticist isn’t a word.

Anyway, Zaruman notes her feelings for Link and comments that it must please her that he’s “silent and compliant,” also insinuating that she needs complete control to feel comfortable in a relationship.  Midna, determined to prove him wrong, decides to speak for Link and tells Zaruman to kindly fuck off kthnxbai.

Zaruman starts walking up to Midna and Link’s hand starts hovering over his sword.  Then Zaruman gloats a bit about how she’s powerless to stop him, the world is his, blah blah blah, standard villain stuff, then he kisses her hand.  Link finds himself fantasizing of all the terrible things he wants to do to Zaruman’s hand and lips.

Uh…dude.  You’re right there.  You’re literally holding Midna Sue’s other hand.  If you want to do something, what is stopping you from doing it?  I mean, seriously?  You’re literally right next to him.

But no, instead he lets Zaruman step into the portal and go poof.  Midna breaks down and starts crying.  Link sees her sitting there completely broken and is about to take the opportunity to cop a feel when someone else shows up!  Who could it possibly be?  It’s….

Dark Link?

Well, I shouldn’t be too surprised.  The plot so far has pretty much been a MidnaXLink shipping fic strung together by a series of cameos.

Anyway, Dark Link is in this story presumed to be the representation of Link’s dark side or something, and the two of them fight.  Why is he showing up?  Hell if I know.  Plot needed to happen and this was as good an option as any.  There’s another example of Link thinking back to ancient legends (i.e., gameplay mechanics) to help him.  Though this time, fortunately, it’s not as egregious, and things are actually resolved very differently than in the games: Link receives aid in a battle against Dark Link because while Dark Link mirrors him perfectly, he can’t predict Midna’s attacks.

So ultimately, Link faces the symbolic representation of the darkness within him by…having someone else do it for him.

Though it is still slightly preferable to “drawing from his knowledge of the ancient legends, Link found a corner to crouch in and just stabbed at Dark Link’s legs over and over again.”

So they kill Dark Link and he…regenerates.  Only now he’s a good guy and the only reason he was evil in the first place was because Zaruman cursed him.  He was really totally just there to give them another bit of the song and another piece of Sierpinski’s Triforce!  This means that they now know the entirety of Midna’s Requiem and have the entirety of the Triforce of Courage!

Now if only we didn’t have over half the story to go.

Dark Link finishes by telling them some helpful advice about the Triforce and balance and how they need both Courage and Wisdom to overcome power.  And then they…go back to Hyrule.

Huh.  Really?  We’re wasting our time jumping back and forth between everywhere for no reason again?  I mean…we just got to the Twilight realm.  And now we’re leaving it again?  Wow.  What a colossal waste of time.

And it is on that colossal waste of time that we conclude Part 1.  Wow.  What a great end to the first section of the book.  Join us next time for Chapter 1 of Part 2: The Voice Speaks Again.  In which…the voice speaks again.

Andy

Published in: on October 18, 2012 at 8:01 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Silent Hero, Chapter 8

 

It’s been a while, huh? Still, for me, it’s not long enough. Anyway, I read up on the previous entries and had a good chuckle. You all found my entries funny, right? I did too. And then I realized that someone had to have read the work they were based off of. And that that someone was me. And then all the repressed memories came flooding back.

…I’m really hesitant to start this again. Just give me a second.

Okay, screw it, let’s go.

Chapter 8, I believe. The chapter entitled “The House of Many Links.”

This is a terrible pun and I feel ashamed for making it.

I’m…not looking forward to this.

Okay. Let’s go. Deep breath, Andy. They head to Termina’s southern borders again. Termina is apparently a little dollhouse of a land compared to Hyrule (author’s metaphor), as it’s quite tiny. But so very apparently important to the story. I mean, we’re a third of the way through. Can’t we just leave Termina already?

Midna and Link roam around, listening for music (it’s been a while, but I think I recall them saying earlier that the not-quite-first Link’s spirit often played music after a hard mortal life’s work of boinking fishwomen). They eventually see his spirit and follow him.

Now, at this point, the author uses a pied piper metaphor. This is something that’s always bugged me to no end. I hate it when people describe things using terms, idioms, or references that don’t exist within a certain world. See, if a character in a Zelda fic were described to be “dumb as an ox,” I wouldn’t pay it too much mind. Cows exist in the Zelda universe, so why shouldn’t Oxen? In any sort of fiction with anthropomorphic animals, it’d gain added effect, as it implies that anthropomorphic oxen are often regarded as stupid. But if you’re writing a story in an alternate universe where bovine are nonexistent, do not use a metaphor relating to them. Similarly, do not reference stories in our universe in stories set in other universes. It just kills immersion.

“It’s like we’re Bill Murray from the movie Groundhog Day, forced to relive the same sequence of events over and over,” Tatl said to Link as he rewound time.  “What the hell’s a movie?” Link asked.

Anyway. They follow Link’s spirit to some sort of cave, which is pitch dark. Link guides Midna by the hand, because she’s evidently a complete incapable klutz and Link needs to hold her hand to keep her from tripping. And it’s a good thing he does, because she almost falls down a chasm. A chasm that’s apparently invisible until you almost fall in it. That’s the only real explanation, other than Midna and Link watching the sky in the pitch-black cave instead of the fucking floor like they should have been.

Also, there are torches giving off a faint light. The thing that always bugs me about things like this: how do the torches stay lit? Are they magic torches? Does Link’s spirit need to leave a light on so that he doesn’t get scared?

So there’s a ledge on the other side, and they need to get to it. The answer has to do with the Deku Mask from Majora’s Mask, which is hanging between two torches. Link hookshots it over, then puts it on to transform into a Deku, which Midna responds to with “Awe, aren’t you adorable?” Yes, that’s how she spelled “Aw.”

Anyway, kids, can you guess what happens next? What’s that? *gasp* That’s right! There is a sequence where the author just describes something similar to the game, in which game mechanics are described in the “legends of old.” Yes, the story starts to read like a walkthrough for Majora’s Mask, complete with flower gliders appearing our of Link’s hammerspace. I cannot stress enough how painful it is to read game mechanics being forced into something that isn’t a game. Because the next thing Link does is step on a switch that triggers a bridge falling from above, landing in place. Now, in video games, we expect things like that to work. But in literature, things are tied much more closely to logic. How’s the bridge land perfectly? Why doesn’t it shatter on impact? Why doesn’t the shockwave knock Link or Midna over the edge of the abyss, and how does the rock not shatter under the impact, destroying the foundations and tipping the bridge into the chasm anyway? Think, author! These are important questions.

So Link decides that it’s time to stop pretending to be Pinocchio, so he attempts to take the mask off. But then he finds out he can’t. Not, at least, until he puts on the next mask they discover, the Goron mask. He goes through the Majora’s Mask walkthrough segment again, the bridge drops, lather, wash, rinse, repeat. There’s a brief interlude when Link puts on Zora mask where they flash back to the story of Mikau (i.e. Link the Fishfucker) and Lulu and why would you make me remember that? Fortunately, it’s only a brief mention, and Link once again comes across a Zora puzzle lifted directly from Majora’s Mask.

Midna worries that she won’t be able to survive the journey under the water (since she doesn’t have the abilities of a Zora), and Link decides that the best way to deal with this is to grab her without warning and plunge under the water with her. Because warning her would be too easy. But it’s okay, because if he screws up, the game mechanics will save him and they’ll be brought back to the room where they can catch their breath again!

Link is able to control his path by making himself more streamlined (completely ignoring the fact that the fact that he’s carrying Midna should negate this) and manages to make it through the water tunnels. On to the next room. This one is a giant abyss that requires the Giant’s Mask. This one he’s actually able to take off. So we’re done with this, right?

Nope! Link still hasn’t put on the Postman’s Hat or the All-Nighter Mask or I’m just kidding it’s just the Fierce Deity Mask. Link puts it on and another Link drops down to have a friendly battle with him for a bit. The other Link throws some sort of flashbomb that reverts them both to their natural forms. Turns out that the whole thing was an illusion that Spirit Link (for some reason, he’s not referred to as the Many-Link anymore) created as a test which means that no, the masks probably won’t play a part again and no, they probably weren’t in any real danger in the first place. Don’t you just live anti-climaxes? They find themselves chilling at Spirit Link’s house, Link and Midna are honored to meet Spirit Link, and Spirit Link is honored to meet his successor and said successor’s princess.

You know, you could at least try to be subtle about your shipping.

Since Link lives in Hyrule, technically Zelda would be his princess, regardless of romantic interest.  I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t feel any romantic obligation to his king.

But on to the point of the visit. Spirit Link pulls out the Ocarina of Time, Link pulls out his Ocarina, Midna pulls out her flute, and they learn the song. And then Spirit Link passes on his piece of Sierpinski’s Triforce to Link.

With that, Spirit Link realizes that the time allotted his Cameo is up, and he provides a warp crystal to take Link and Midna back to Hyrule, stating that he must return to his place among the Zorita, asking Link as he strokes the Zora mask if he thinks they have room for a bass guitar player in their new band. Maybe I’m forgetting something here, but when did they say that Spirit Zora Link chilled with the Zorita, or even that the Zorita were forming a band? I’ll have to remember to never reread this to find out.  Not too hard, since I don’t really care anyway.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!  We are Many-Link and the Fishfuckers, and we are here to rock your world!

As Link and Midna do the locationwarp again, Link catches a glimps of Spirit Zora Link already jamming on his skeleton guitar. I still don’t exactly get the logistics of a dead guy hanging with a hybrid race as a member of a different extinct race to start a band with them.

As the chapter ends, they find themselves back in Hyrule—but not for long! Because they’re planning to check out the Twilight Realm now! They prance into the Mirror of Twilight hand-in-hand. Fade to black.

Stay tuned for the next chapter, “A Link to Twilight,” our last chapter before we begin Part 2!

Silent Hero, Chapter 7

 

Well, I just got back from a class where we’re going over Gulliver’s Travels, a satirical book with multiple levels of wit and complexity. A shame I have to ruin all that by reading this shitfest that tries to pass itself off as (strikethrough) literature writing(/strikethrough) text. However, I realized last Saturday that I only have one more week of material written to upload. So unfortunately, I have to return to my wade through wads of crud.

You know what? I ain’t even mad anymore. That last chapter has dulled me. If I can get past interspecies romance and my heroic Link doing the least heroic thing possible, I can get through anything. There’s no way that anything could be worse than that last chapter. It may be a chore to read, but at least I won’t be tempted to head back into the angst forest.

Okay, then. Chapter seven. It’s entitled “The Voice of the Goddess.” Well, at least it doesn’t sound as horrible as the last one. Let’s do this.

So as the chapter starts, they’re traveling somewhere (I don’t even fucking care anymore), and slip past Tingle several times. Also, Link can somehow suggest with facial expressions that there might be more than one Tingle. How does he do that? I don’t fucking know, and I don’t fucking care anymore. All I know is that this author needs to just shut the fuck up about Tingle. Really, this is like beating a dead horse, teabagging it, and then throwing a party in celebration of your victory.

So Link and Midna set up camp for the night, and Link spends his time being half-asleep and fawning over Midna. That’s when a voice calls out their names.

Link can’t quite seem to place the disembodied voice that he’s heard a few times before, even though the reader, who wouldn’t be able to recognize the tone, knows who it is instantly. Well, they don’t know who it is, since the speaker hasn’t been revealed yet, but the chapter title would imply a goddess or something. And no one really cares anymore either.

Anyway, Link wonders if it’s Midna. She wakes up, sees him watching her sleep, and calls him a pervert. As annoying as Midna is as a character here, I’m gonna have to agree with her. Of course, she also totally deserves it for attempting to be the main character.

Unlike Link, Midna recognizes the disembodied voice immediately. Probably because it’s the only disembodied voice they know, so it shouldn’t have been too hard to figure out. Anyway, the voice calls Link the “Hero of Time of this age.” Erm, yeah, no. Each Link has had a different title. But whatever. She goes on to say that the two are not the only ones she’s followed in secret (the creeper) and that she’s been gathering info on Ganondorf, Majora, and SaruZant. I mean Zarumon. I mean SaruZant. She tells them to listen carefully, because she’s about to reveal all she has learned.

Oh, boy! An exposition chapter! I love these things!

She begins by revealing what everyone already knows: that Ganondorf has the Triforce of Power, and that it’s been split so that Majora and SaruZant each have a piece as well. Of course, Ganondorf plans to betray them. This is all portrayed in dialogue that proves that the disembodied voice, whoever she is, is probably not fully fluent in whatever language it is they speak in Hyrule. Oh, wait, that’s the author, and she’s probably not fluent in English.

So Ganondorf wants the Triforce (surprise, surprise!) and is hunting down the people who hold the other two pieces.

Of course, it’s a Sierpinski Triforce now, so the pieces of Courage and Wisdom have broken down further. So since Link has one, Midna has two, and Ganny and Friends have three, that leaves for three unaccounted pieces. Yes, disembodied voice. We know. Even I can do basic math.

So the Triforce pieces have evidently been split through three realms, Light (Hyrule), Shadow (Twilight), and Spirit (Termina). Why Termina is the “Spirit Realm,” I have no clue. It probably just sounded good. Except that it didn’t.

So the heroes of the Light Realm have to seek out these other Triforce pieces and learn two songs, Midna’s Requiem and Zelda’s Lullaby. Okay, question: since Midna’s obviously from Twilight, not Hyrule, why did she learn the song and not Link? And another question: why don’t they leave the Triforce scattered. It’s Ganny’s goal to gather the pieces, isn’t it? Why the hell would you go gather them for him and then take him on? It doesn’t really make any sense.

Oh, wait, never mind. It does. They need all those things to get the Master Sword. What a daring move on the author’s part. I’m wondering if there’ll be a plot twist shortly after they do. No, seriously, I am. Although I’m more accurately wondering if it’ll be an actual plot twist, or more like a poorly-written plot kink.

Oh, fun little detail: unless they’re part of the Spirit Realm, the holders of the Triforce will have to die to give their pieces up. And since Zelda obviously has the third piece of the Triforce of Wisdom, either Midna or Zelda will have to die. It had better fucking be Midna. Of course, I’m sure the author will find some way to revive her.

The voice vanishes (yeah, don’t ask), and Midna wonders who it was. GEE, MIDNA, I WONDER IF IT WAS ZELDA. WOULDN’T THAT BE SOMETHING? Link smirks at her curiosity, because hey, they had just been given so much juicy information and she’s still wondering about that. Oh, except that the only substantial thing anyone has learned is that someone’s gonna have to die.

So Midna goes on a rant about how it could be Ganondorf or something toying with them, which is completely nullified by the fact that Link has an inner monologue explaining that he somehow knows that she’s not really serious about the rant. It’s also nullified by the fact that it’s clearly not a trap. If it is, I will record a video for you of me eating my hat and posting it here so that you can see it.

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It’s a ladybug bucket hat, incidentally.  Hold me to this.

So Midna lies down and falls back asleep, and the chapter ends with Link creepily trying to smile into her dreams. Aww. Isn’t that precious?

Well, this chapter was, thankfully, much less bad than the previous one. Tune in next time, as we find out what the hell this “Many Link” thing is.

Published in: on March 5, 2011 at 9:31 pm  Comments (1)  

Silent Hero, Chapter 6 (2/2)

So, where were we?  Oh, yes, I remember.  Let me just back up a paragraph or two.  This is something we’ll need a running start for.

So evidently the (not exactly) first Link, the Hero of Time, spent the rest of his days living in Termina. Only there were evidently two Links created…the past Link and the future Link. Um, not quite. Future Zelda removed Future Link from the timeline by sending him back to the past. And they certainly didn’t live simultaneously or anything. So what you’re essentially saying, author, is that you believe that the split timeline is canon, but don’t care enough to figure out which game falls under which timeline? I mean, there are some arguments, but there are also some cases where it’s pretty impossible and by having the child and adult timelines exist in the same universe you oh dear I’ve gone cross-eyed and I think I’ve written this paragraph before causing me to go even further cross-eyed.

Aaaaand, what the fuck? This is the most messed up thing I’ve ever heard. Evidently, in Majora’s Mask, when Link was wearing Mikau’s soul (That’s still totally canon and totally freaky, btw), he started falling in love with Lulu. You know, the woman who is at least twice, maybe three times, his age. And, you know, a fish. What.

“Link is not a Freaky Fish Guy!” ~Mako Tsunami, expert on Freaky Fish Guys

So he never fucking revealed to Lulu that he was actually Link. What the fucking hell? Link, you fucking asshole. I don’t know if you’ve realized this, author, but Link essentially committed identity fraud and lied to a woman who loved him for her entire fucking life. He probably slept with her too, since that’s what people who love each other do. Yes, Link committed fraud and lied to a woman to get it on with a fish.

And then, after she passes, he reveals his identity and tells a few people his story. I personally would have loved to see their reactions. I mean, he’s showing people that he, the great Hero of Time, has masqueraded as a Zora and taken said Zora’s place in society, fooling his community and his lover. I can’t imagine that he was met with a very pleasant reception.

Oh, wait, no, they “honor the Hero of Time for his love and devotion to one of [their] own.” My bad. Just as an aside, I think I’d like to die now.

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I know, Mikau.  I feel the same way.

That Link, meanwhile, is evidently a ghost now, wandering around Termina. You know, they say that people become ghosts when they feel an inner turmoil that doesn’t allow them to move on to the afterlife. Gee, I wonder what inner turmoil Link must feel. Maybe it has something to do with stealing a fish’s identity to bang his lover until she died. But let’s get past all that. His ghost evidently visits the forest frequently. Midna states that they were near the forest, and may have been close to him. And then she says that Tingle maybe scared him off. Ava and Asher agree that he’s unpleasant. Because continually bashing a character that everyone already hates is good writing, evidently. Just fucking let it die. You don’t have to bring your vendetta against Tingle up every chance you get.

Asher decides to get some shut-eye, Midna decides that she’d like to admire the night for a while, Ava decides to keep Midna company, and Link decides to go explore a bit. I was excited for this, as it sounds like the Zorita live in a place that’s visually stunning. However, we’re just told that Link explores rolling hills, waterfalls, and caves. Gee, those sound really interesting. Can you tell us what they’re like? No? Okay, never mind. I guess they weren’t all that stunning after all.

Link walks until his feet are tired, and heads back. He lays down on a hill not far from Ava and Midna, sitting on the “velvety folds” of the grass on the hill. Erm…well, I’m not really sure that either grass or hills have folds, but eh, whatever. What I am sure of, though, is that grass isn’t velvety. Have you ever laid down on grass for a while? Sure, it’s nice and soft, but it’s itchy. Sleeping on the grass would drive me insane. I’d be up all night scratching. But hey, maybe it’s magic grass. That would explain why they creamed themselves when they were walking on it.

Link tries to block out Midna and Ava’s conversation, but it’s admittedly pretty hard not to eavesdrop when you hear your name. They’re talking about him. Let me take a moment to bring up the Bechdel Test. In order for a work to pass the Bechdel Test, there are three requirements, each one dependent on the last. There have to be (1) two female characters who (2) talk to each other about (3) something other than a man. We’ve had Midna talk with the Goddess of Time (who, being an unnamed deity, is disqualified) and now Ava (who counts). So that’s test one and two passed. Does it pass test three? Oh, sorry! The only private interaction Midna’s had with another woman, and we don’t get to hear any of it but the bit about Link. In fact, were they even talking before he came back? I dunno, as what he hears sounds like the beginning of a conversation, not the middle of one.

Anyway, Link comes back at the most convenient time ever. They couldn’t talk about him while he’s away. No, they have to wait until he comes back. And it’s not about him as a hero or anything. It’s automatically “what do you think of him?” This question almost always translates to “are you in love with him or not?”

Link hears their conversation and holds his breath until he becomes lightheaded. Evidently, the night is deadly quiet and he’s only five feet away from him, because he has to exhale slowly so that he isn’t heard. If he’s that close, why didn’t they notice him when he came back? I dunno, there’s really no reason for him to be so quiet. I’m pretty sure they can’t hear him. Also, it’s amusing how the guy who’s apparently so mute that he can’t even grunt has to work at being quiet.

Midna’s eventual reply is “He shares the soul of one I once loved. Or at least, I think he does or else want him to. But it could not be then either. Darkness and Light only create shadow, don’t they?” Um…what? Proofread, author, proofread! I think that what she’s trying to say is that she wants him to share the soul of the old Link, with whom her old relationship never would have worked.

Link is saddened by this and goes a bit emo again, using the phrase “defective forest rogue” to describe himself. Okay, I can’t help but laugh at that. What the hell is that even supposed to mean? On the plus side, I’ve got the perfect name for my new band now.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!  We are The Defective Forest Rogues and we are here to rock your world!

Ava’s reply is “Perhaps, as Dawn [not sure why it’s capitalized] proves every morning, Darkness can only be overcome by Light.” Um…okay, so…is “Darkness” supposed to be Midna? Because that’s the interpretation I got from Midna’s statement. If so, there are some pretty unfortunate implications going on there.

Link’s “Kokiri-trained ears” are evidently more steadfast than his “Hylian eyes which long to wander.” Is it just me, or is the author making a lot less sense in this chapter? Anyway, he wants to look at Midna to see how she really feels. Aww, look! The people who have known each other for all of maybe three days and are centuries apart in age really do love each other!

So two stars streak past, winding around each other (ZOMG SYMBOLISM!) in a dance that is described as magical but is really completely stupid, and then the birds sing, and two moths circle around him, one landing on his finger. This paragraph serves no purpose other than painting a scene in a way that completely derails the flow of the story.

I think I’ll just post the next thing Ava says for you.

We Zorita…we believe that Nature, as the foundation for the world the goddesses created for us, contains some of the deepest wisdoms.

“Take all these signs, especially the song of the moon blossom birds. Mates for eternity; the only creatures known to consummate their love within a nest made of moon blossom petals which they consume afterwards. In doing so, they are granted the eternal life of the moon blossoms, and for so long lasts their love…

“I do not know what these things may mean for you. But do not close your heart. Better to love and find out that he is not the one than to never search and find that one. And if the love is true, even if it turns out it is not what the goddesses deem best, there will be sorrow but no regrets of the time you spend together.”

Okay, first of all, what is it with random Capitalization of Words that seem vaguely Important? Does “Nature” really need capitalization? And if “Nature,” why not “goddesses?”

Second, everything about the moon blossom birds. They mate for eternity. Really? Eternity? Do they just not ever die? I get that they’ve got eternal life (which is reason enough to wtf on its own), but are they also invincible? Or if they do die, do they meet up in the afterlife again? Or reincarnate and find their partners again? And if either of those are the case, how the hell does everyone else know it? They do not mate for eternity. Not to your knowledge. Also, they build nests made out of moon blossom petals. Are these nests made on the ground? Because the nest wouldn’t hold together if it was made of flower petals, so it’d have to have the ground to support it. They gain immortality by eating the flower petals, so why doesn’t everyone eat the flower petals? And finally, for their mating ritual, they make the nest out of petals, boink each other in it, and then eat it. What.

Third, Ava’s essentially just restating that old adage “‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Let me ask you something. Have you ever been in love? Or even had a crush? Okay, has that ever ended badly? Anyone who has loved and lost can tell you that the idiom is pure bullshit. Maybe that’s just me, though.

So Link turns to look at her, unnoticed (his changing of positions evidently being quieter than his breathing), and watches the other moth land on her hand (ZOMG MOAR SYBOLISM). The beauty (read: stupidity) of this causes him to more or less jizz in his pants.  Or maybe it was the velvety grass he was sitting on.

So Midna and Ava eventually depart, and Link waits a while before departing himself. As he heads to the room he’s evidently supposed to sleep in (as opposed to the itchy grass), he hears footsteps, and sees Ava, who is floating down the hall. Floating. Um…in the air? I assumed that they sort of flew instead of hovered. And if that’s the case, how did he hear her footsteps? Well, the Zorita swim, too. Maybe there’s an unmentioned body of water or something she’s floating down. But if that’s the case, how the hell did he hear her footsteps?

She looks at him, and there’s something in her eyes (something that’s never explained) in them that gives him hope. He sees some sort of promise there. In her eyes. The promise of the Zorita’s eyes. Like the chapter title. Did you see that? It makes more sense now, doesn’t it? It’s still stupid, though.

So as he drifts to sleep, Link decides that, yes, he’s probably in love with this woman he’s known for three days who’s centuries older than him and is crushing on his past life.

Okay, I just finished reading Lolita not too long ago. I’m gonna have to say that the relationships in there are less screwed up than the ones in here. Lolita, by the way, is about a pedophile. But at least in Lolita we get to see the psychology behind the relationship and are showed why exactly it’s messed up and what sort of damage it does. In fact, at the end, the protagonist admits that he almost certainly ruined the girl he loved. Here, the relationships are treated as if they’re perfectly normal, and no one seems to bat an eye at the general wrongness of them.  Good job, author.  You’ve gotten me to declare your book more messed up that fucking Lolita.

Link wakes up in the morning, and Midna gives him a smile. It was like the conversation last night had never occurred, according to the book. And at the same time, it was like the opposite all at once, again according to the book.

So then they leave to find the Many-Link or whatever the hell that thing’s stupid fucking name is. They just leave.

…Okay, what? Really? Fucking really? They don’t even learn a song here or anything? No major plot? Are you fucking kidding me? You made me read a whole fucking chapter that I wrote five fucking pages on just to give your fucking Zora/Rito hybrid race a fucking cameo? You are fucking kidding me you fucking fuck fucker fuckity fuck fuck I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU YOU BASTARD I’LL FUCKNG KILL YOU ALL THAT WAS THE MOST POINTLESS SHIT I’VE EVER READ YOU SON OF A BITCH I HOPE THAT MAJORA FUCKING RAPES YOU IN THE ASS FOR THIS YOU FUCKING TIME-WASTING BITCH!

*Sigh* Well, let’s see what we’ve got for next time.  Okay, it looks like exposition, exposition, and more exposition.  Whee!  I’m actually excited for that!  You know why?  Because it’s a relatively short chapter, and there’s no possible way that it can get any worse than The Hero of Time boinking a fish-woman.  *shudder*

Andy

Silent Hero, Chapter 6 (1/2)

 

[AN: the following paragraph was written before I read this chapter.  After reading chapter 6, I have no clue how chapter 5 could have possibly caused me any despair.  Yes, chapter 6 is that much worse.  Be afraid.]

After that last chapter, I took some time off to reconsider my view of life. I would have used Silent Hero as proof that there is no God, had I not needed someone to pray to for strength to get through this. I came to the conclusion that if He exists, he probably just isn’t a big fan of Zelda. This new dogma is a bit difficult for me to accept, but it’s the only thing that makes any sort of sense. But maybe he’s just a fanboy who’s upset because no new games have lived up to his expectations after Ocarina of Time. Yeah, this is just Nintendo’s punishment for that. That would explain BMB Finishes’ “Hero of Time” fan film, too.

If you’ve never heard of this movie, you should be glad.

Okay, now that the existential crisis is over, let’s launch into Chapter 6, entitled “The Promise of the Zorita’s Eyes.” Wow. I…I’m stunned. That chapter title was horrible. I’ve heard math majors come up with better-sounding and more creative chapter titles than that (apologies to you math majors out there that do not fit the left-brained stereotype).

I think I’m going to learn from last time and check the chapter length. And…oh, dear. Um…this one’s probably going to be another two-parter. I’m starting to think that there’s more wrong with this book than what’s even in the book. I think I must hate myself.

So, the winged lady “lights before them.” What. I do not think that word means what you think it means. Did she lightly land before them? Did she illuminate before them? I’m gonna guess that this was a typo. But anyway, the other Zorita follow her, and Link stares at them with awe and curiosity, like Sarita when she was “studying some new corner of the wood.”

…Yeah, I don’t think I’m going there.

Instead of trying to describe these abominations of nature for you, I think I’ll let the author do it herself.

Wings folded, it looked as though long, shallow turtle shells rested upon their backs. Moonlit water droplets glistened like thousands of miniature aquamarines upon their blue-green skin. Their faces, noses, and ears were long, angular, bearing an elven sort of elegance, as did their arms, legs, and the graceful fins arching from both wrists and ankles. Silver hair spilled down the backs of the ladies, while the silver locks of the men was cut in short, tight ringlets. Their eyes gleamed like sapphires, just as inquisitively as Link felt his must look.

This description is not only hard to figure out, but seems to differ from both the Rito and the Zora. I really don’t get this. It’s…okay, how can something like that look beautiful? I’m thinking either of a blue-green elf with fins and a turtle shell, or a cross between a bird-person and fish-person. Whichever one I think of, it I have a mental image of an abomination of nature.  You know what?  Let’s see if we can try to figure out what they look like.

This is a Zora

This is a Rito

This is a Zorita, as interpreted by the lovely Broeckchen.  It looks like nothing out of this world.  Or our of Hyrule, either.

Link gets praised by the fish-bird-woman and blushes. Umkay. I hope it’s the praise, but then again, he did describe the Zorita as “lovely.”

A sentence of description/prose ends with a quotation mark. Okay, that’s a small mistake that I’ve made in the past. Of course, if you’re going to publish this for people to read, you may want to do a bit of proofreading first.

So the Zorita is named Ava, and she’s the princess of the Zorita. Because if you can’t just take an old character’s name and change it a bit, you could always just take the base of avian/aviation/aviate/whatever-word-that-has-to-deal-with-flying-this-is. Still, I’d take that over Joller. Anyway, Ava and her people have been patiently yet anxiously yet paradoxically waiting for him to arrive. You cannot be both patient and anxious for something. The two are opposites. I think I see what you’re saying. You just didn’t say it right.

So the author evidently read my complaints last chapter about how the Zorita being able to swim and fly is physically impossible. She provides an explanation! I’m shocked! Here’s how it works: when they fold their wings, the feathers fold inside. They are protected from water by a lightweight, waterproof leather, which is evidently airtight and keeps the feathers from getting wet. They can fold or unfurl them in an instant for quick transitions from water to air to water. It’s actually a very nice explanation. I can only find one minor flaw, which is that wings do not fucking work that way! Wings like this are either leathery (like a bat’s), or feathery (like a bird’s). The two function in completely different ways. If the wings are feathery, having leather on them would ruin the aerodynamics. If they’re leathery wings, then having feathers on them would weigh them down too much. There is a reason that animals that fly aren’t particularly aquatic, and vice versa.

wings

Clearly, the two types of wings don’t really function the same way.

Ava walks up to a wall, checks it, and then walks through it. It’s evidently a hidden entrance of some sort. Now, the first question I have is why didn’t Ava explain this instead of just walking through and expecting Midna and Link to follow? They sit there a few seconds completely confused. A quick “By the way, this wall is a hidden entrance, so don’t be surprised that we can just walk through it” would help. The second question I have is how does this work? I mean, it’s not exactly explained. It’s just…a wall that they can walk through. It’s obvious that the wall isn’t really there, but it’s never explained how it works. Is it magic? Is it an optical illusion? A hologram? I demand an explanation. But I won’t get one.

So they reach the Zorita village. Admittedly, the geography does make some sense. They live on cliffs (like the Rito), but there are places where it drops off into the ocean, where they presumably swim.

Also, there’s grass there that greets their feet “like old friends embracing them in a tight, comforting hug.” Um…okay? I dunno, I’ve never really been hugged by grass before. But hey, it’s your analogy. I mean, it’s a bad one, but hey, your choice. Also, it’s been what, two days since they’ve been in Kokiri forest? Was there no grass there? I mean, I get that you say that there were brambles and whatnot, but still. And are they not wearing shoes? Why not? I mean, they were just walking around in the rocky canyons. Most importantly, is two days enough time away from any sort of grass that it suddenly becomes orgasmic to be around again? Because here in the Midwest, we have this thing called “winter.” When “winter” comes around, there’s this white, powdery, cold stuff called “snow” that covers all the grass for about a quarter of every year. We somehow manage to be fine. I mean, we get pretty excited every spring, but come on. It’s grass. We get over it. Two days without grass is not enough for anyone to miss it.

I get off to this every night.

The person that they are quite obviously going to learn this part of the song from is a Zorita named Asher, a wise, laid-back dude. I’ve gotta admit, I kinda like him, if just because he’s the only original character who actually seems to have any personality.

He explains that the Zorita were once the Zora, and then evolved into the Rito, and then evolved into the Zorita, a cross between the two. There’s one problem I have with this: evolution does not fucking work like that! Why go from fish to birds and then to fish-birds? Wouldn’t it be easier to cut out the middle step and go straight to the hybrid, if it’s evolutionarily superior? That’s like if humans were to suddenly become half-monkey again. Sure, it’d be great to have opposable thumbs on our feet and to climb really well, but we’ve evolved past monkeys for a reason. If it were more beneficial for our survival to be a hybrid between what we were and what we are now, we never would have evolved past it in the first place. Congratulations. You just drove a biologist to suicide. I hope you’re fucking happy.

Clearly the superior species.

Also, the paragraph that describe the process proved that the author have no idea how to using tense.

So evidently the (not exactly) first Link, the Hero of Time, spent the rest of his days living in Termina. Only there were evidently two Links created…the past Link and the future Link. Um, not quite. Future Zelda removed Future Link from the timeline by sending him back to the past. And they certainly didn’t live simultaneously or anything. So what you’re essentially saying, author, is that you believe that the split timeline is canon, but don’t care enough to figure out which game falls under which timeline? I mean, there are some arguments, but there are also some cases where it’s pretty impossible and by having the child and adult timelines exist in the same universe you oh dear I’ve gone cross-eyed.

Well.  That was bad.  But it’s about to get worse.  A lot worse.

Seriously.  A lot worse.  This is your last chance to turn back.  But if you hate yourself as much I clearly hate myself, come back next week, when you will lose any faith you may have had in this story.

Andy

Published in: on February 19, 2011 at 3:14 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Silent Hero, Chapter 5 (2/2)

 

Okay.  Let’s see.  Where were we?

Oh, yes.  Link and Midna were in a temple at the top of Ikana Canyon.  There, they met the Goddess of Time, who may or may not have been Nayru.  Said goddess is about to teach them a song.

Okay, so, she pulls out a harp (just like Nayru played in Oracle of Ages) and Midna, somehow knowing what to do, pulls a silver flute from her cloak. Okay, so she’s got a bow, a rapier, a flute, and who knows what else just on her person. How is none of this visible until she needs it? Does she have an inventory or something where she stores everything? I don’t know, because it’s never fucking explained.

So Midna and the Goddess of Time Who May or May Not be Nayru play a song together. Also, there’s a chorus of voices coming from somewhere. Don’t ask, because I don’t know either. Don’t ask why Link doesn’t bother to learn the song either.

So the song turns out to be called “Midna’s Requiem.” Remember when I stated way back in the second or third chapter that I was totally calling Midna’s death? It’s more or less explicitly stated here for everyone who didn’t know the exact definition of the word “requiem” (like me, admittedly. Shut up. I know now because I look stuff up).

So the Goddess of Time says “I bet you’re wondering why there are two pieces of song in Termina and one in Twilight.” Not really, as I’m sure it’s some arbitrary reason, but I’m also sure we’re going to hear it anyway! And it’s because the holder of the second currently resides in Termina also! No shit! Get outta here! I never would have guessed! But anyway, the holder of the second can evidently travel between realms. The holder of the second is the…um…the…Many-Link?

What? Wait, what? What is what that what I what ever what to what that what of the what in what? What? What? WHAT? The Many-Link? What? What is this I don’t even. This makes about as much sense as the last two episodes of Neon Genesis Evangelion.

Congratulations!  You’ve managed to confuse the hell out of everyone!

So the Goddess of Time evidently has a piece of the Triforce (wut?), and gives it Midna, who she refers to as the Princess of the Hero of Time. Um, no. No, no, no! For one thing, Midna was never Link’s princess. She was a princess, yes, but she was the Twilight Princess. You know, like the game that was named after her. And even if you could make the argument that the fact that she and Link may or may not have had something makes her his princess, you’re ignoring the fact that the Link she knew was not the Hero of Time! The Hero of Time was only in Ocarina of Time and Majora’s Mask. Possibly one or two other games, depending on your timeline interpretation. But the Link in Twilight Princess is definitely a different Link. I mean, they don’t even have the same hair color! Midna is not the fucking Princess of the Hero of Time.

Anyway, fanboy rant aside, the Goddess of Time gives Midna the second piece of the Triforce of Wisdom, again hinting that this deity who in no way resembles Nayru is, in fact, Nayru. Again, why a deity would be holding a piece of the Triforce is beyond me. But fuck it, your Earth logic will not help you here. And Midna now has two pieces of the Triforce of Canon Defilement. I mean Wisdom. Do you mind if I ask what the fuck happened to Zelda? Was she not important enough to include in the story? Is she going to be limited to a cameo? That’s kind of rude to the woman who kind of, you know, the series is named for.

Anyway, Zelda probably holds the last piece of the Triforce of Wisdom. Which Midna will almost certainly take from her, because the author has some sort of weird lesbian crush on her on something. The Triforce(s) of Power are obviously held by Ganondorf, Majora, and SaruZant. What I’d like to know is who holds the other two thirds of the Triforce of Courage.

So they look at a warp crystal of some sort (which they recognize immediately—they must be everywhere in all three dimensions or something), which transports them out of the temple. Also, the voice calls again. It evidently doesn’t belong to the Goddess of Time (meaning that the fanfic isn’t entirely predictable). So now I’m gonna take a wild guess (read: the current most obvious guess) and say Zelda.

Well, this is a long chapter, compared to the others. And there’s so much wrong with it.  I mean, I’ve had to split the chapter already.  We’ve reached a text break, which is the perfect place to stop. Now, I want you to do me a favor.  I want you to close your eyes for a few moments and just think about The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (if you think that game is overrated (like me), just choose your favorite game in the series).  Find a happy place for those brief few seconds of time.  Calm again?  Okay.  There’s not much left in this chapter.  Let’s just get this over with.

They end up in Termina Field after teleporting. They arrive at dawn. Link and Midna wonder (and it really doesn’t matter) whether time was reset or whether it’s just the next day. As they set off to find the Zorita (yeah, I still don’t know), they look up at the “sunset shades” in the sky. A sunset. At dawn. What.

They reach the great bay by nightfall. And what do they do? They play the Serenade of Water together. What a stupid, pointless scene. Well, okay, there is some purpose. It launches into some blatant Link/Midna shipping. Also, Midna’s eyes are evidently like two rubies. Really. Those haven’t existed in the Zelda Universe since the CD-i games. And we all know how those are regarded.

It’s sad that I’d rather play this game than read this fanfiction.

So evidently, Link carried a stick around with him. It’s a memento from when he beat Sarita in stick-fencing or something. Yes, he’s the heir of the Hero of Time, and he’s proud of beating a girl at a duel. Of course, we all know the real reason that he carries it around all the time—it’s what he uses to cut himself when he’s not around a forest.

So he uses it to draw Midna a picture in the sand. Midna is upset that he includes Sarita in the drawing. He assures Midna that she’s just a friend. It evidently depresses Midna that he might have something with another girl, so Link offers to spar with her. His rapier (that she gave him) against her, um…stick that he found on the ground. Really, Link? You douche.

Anyway, he starts telling her all these stories (through drawing them, naturally). This would maybe be some great character development if we actually saw it, but we’re just told that he’s sketching out stories of his life and she’s “listening” to them. How she listens to someone who can’t speak is left to the reader’s imagination. I’m assuming that the reader’s imagination would just assume that the author meant “watch” instead of “listen.”

Quoth the blind girl.

Link finishes up with his stories, and Midna decides that she had better reciprocate. But before she can, something leaps out of the water. And then it unfurls wings and stays in the air. Also, Link knows it’s a she because she has long hair. Yes, that makes such logical sense! Especially considering the anime-inspired style of the game! You know, anime, where Dude Looks Like A Lady is so very, very prevalent! It’s not a good indicator in real life, either. Hell, my roommate’s hair is longer than any of my sisters’.

But anyway, these are evidently the Zorita. I’m guessing that they’re a cross between the Zoras and the Rito. This might be a stupid question, but how the hell do they fly and swim at the same time? I’m pretty sure that feathered wings don’t work too well when they’re wet. Are they like flying fish? Because the record for longest flight by a flying fish is less than a minute. Maybe they’re not feathered wings at all. Maybe they’re made of some sort of a leathery substance. That would mean, however, that the Zorita are reptilian. And that just raises further questions.

This chapter was stupid, and way too long. Let me just say that I’m glad it’s over. In fact, the only good thing good about this chapter was that we’re now twenty-five pages into this story. Since the story is ninety-two pages long, simple fractional comparisons tell me that I’m over one fourth done with this story. Thank Farore.

This is the part where I usually tell you what’s on the block for next time.  However, this time, I find myself unable to do so.  The next chapter is so awful, so horribly, terribly bad, that I can’t even give you a hint of what’s to come.  The notes on what’s wrong with this chapter are literally longer than the chapter itself.  I’m not making a joke.  My sporking is longer than the chapter itself.  Brace yourselves for next week, as we take on Chapter 6: The Promise of the Zorita’s Eyes.

Andy

Published in: on February 12, 2011 at 12:44 am  Leave a Comment  
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Silent Hero, Chapter 5 (1/2)

 

And now, for chapter five: Goddess of Time. Gee, I wonder if we’re going to meet Nayru in this chapter. Actually, I don’t. What I do wonder is how many other characters are going to pop up for a pointless one-paragraph cameo.

The journey to Ikana begins with a long, monotonous stretch of field, followed by a long, monotonous continuation of bland description that really adds nothing to the mood of the story and serves only to say “look, we’re here now.”

They start climbing through the canyon, and eventually hit a dead end. There is, however, a wooden post with a target painted on it. And Link knows to use the hookshot, not because of common sense but because—get this—it’s mentioned in the legends. Yes. Evidently there’s a part of the legend that goes “And then, at a massive expanse of nothingness, Link came across this wooden post with a target painted on it! Many men had attempted to figure out this obstacle and failed. However, Link used the power of mental thinking to deduce that he had to use the hookshot on this obstacle that was evidently set up for that sole purpose!” You couldn’t have him use it on a tree or anything natural, could you? It had to be a nod to the games worked into the story in a completely unnatural way, didn’t it?

So he fires the hookshot off at the target, and it sticks fast. He then grabs Midna and Star Warses across the gap. Midna is not amused. She calls him an Imp (don’t ask why Imp is capitalized; probably because it’s unsubtle Irony with a capital I) and takes another unnecessary shot at Tingle. Also, if the hookshot’s thingamers stick into the wood like that, how does he get it to release? That’s never really explained, and we’re just supposed to assume that it gets unstuck somehow.

They try to figure out what to do from there, and notice a tile on the spire that’s colored differently and is slightly raised. Evidently stone spires are covered in tiles now. He stands on the tile, and another target post pops out from somewhere. See, this is why video game puzzles shouldn’t be used in books or movies: they sound fucking stupid if they’re not in a video game.

Anyway, they have to figure this puzzle out. They need a block to put on the tile to keep it down, but they don’t have anything. So what does Link do? He pulls out his ocarina and plays a song. Saria’s Song, to be exact. Evidently Sarita is named after Saria, by the way. Doesn’t excuse the lazy naming.

Naturally, a statue of Link appears. Because, as we all know, that’s totally what Saria’s Song does. And not the Elegy of Emptiness. Come on, author. If you’re going to use such canon porn, make sure you get the fucking canon right.

BEN

Fucking up my canon?  You shouldn’t have done that….

They move on, and things start getting confusing. There’s five more spires, and Link keeps playing the song, after which Midna gets frustrated/exhausted and says “nice try.” So…did the song not do anything? I don’t know. He tries a different song, but when he’s about to blow into the ocarina, he hears a voice calling his name. He instinctively reaches down to his belt for a sword. Now, he practices with wooden swords, but I don’t really think he tends to carry one on him. So why would he automatically reach for one? Either way, Midna decides that since the plot forgot to give him a weapon, she’ll hand him a spare rapier she just managed to have on her. Or maybe she pulled it out of her ass, just like with the mirror.

Anyway, the disembodied voice that really isn’t explained says that they’re on the right path, and offers this riddle as an aid: what is done within must be repeated without. Hey, disembodied voice that is pretty obviously Nayru! It’d be a lot more helpful if you just fucking told him what to fucking do!

Evidently, what the riddle meant is that he has to stand on the tile, then step off, and then play the song. Really? Come on. Old Man gives better hints than that. I mean, “there are secrets where fairies don’t live” actually makes sense once you know what to do. This is just a logic-less riddle.

Still makes more sense than “what is done within must be repeated without.”

So they continue the puzzle that would have been tedious even in a game, and reach the temple of the Goddess of Time. Evidently, someone tore down Stone Tower Temple and then built the temple on top of it to essentially piss on the old architectural wonder. I’m not theorizing, by the way…that’s what’s heavily implied to have happened in the story.

It’s at this point that I scroll down the PDF file I’ve been reading it on to check just how long this chapter is. And it’s at this point that I become scared. Very scared. It’s about twice as long as any other chapter so far.

Let’s get back to this train wreck, though. There are several paragraphs of more description that attempt to sound breathtaking, but aren’t. Anyway, they enter the temple and find the Goddess of Time sitting there. She’s dressed in the swooshy billowy type of robes, has apricot eyes (okay, wtf? That’s unusual) and…night-ebony curls?

Okay, where to start? First of all, I think I’m going to include a page dedicated to drinking games. Thank you, the word ebony, for reminding me just how frequently you pop up in bad fiction. Secondly, night-ebony is redundant. Ebony hair would be black. Night-ebony hair would also be black. Plus, night-ebony just sounds stupid. And third, I was under the assumption that the Goddess of Time was Nayru. I mean, that’s who most of the fandom assumes is the Goddess of Time, due largely to Oracle of Ages and the fact that all the time-related magic is blue, Nayru’s color. If this is Nayru, her hair is supposed to be fucking blue, not black. That’s at least three problems contracted all into one small bundle of “night-ebony curls.”

Untitled

This is all I can think of when I hear the word “ebony.”

So evidently, the first Link (again, referring to the Ocarina of Time Link who, again, was not the first one) freed her and allowed her to return to her rightful place in…Termina, I guess. Even though they don’t seem to worship the goddesses in Termina and the only place I’ve heard the Goddesss of Time mentioned is in Hyrule.

Excuse me for a moment while I find some tree branches to go cut myself with.

Well, the next part of this chapter contains blatant foreshadowing, Link being an asshole, and the fucking dumbest name for anything ever.  You’ve been warned in advance, but I’d prefer you still come back so that my self-torture isn’t all pointless.

Andy

Published in: on February 5, 2011 at 12:17 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Silent Hero, Chapter 4

 

Chapter four, then: A True Fairy. Lemme guess—Tingle’s in this chapter, right? Oh fucking boy.

So, Link’s holding tightly to Midna’s hand as they fall, though not out of fear. Because the fear has dissipated and given way to excitement and…wait, wait, wait, back up a second. Are we not allowed to know why he’s holding Midna’s hand so tightly? Is it the adrenaline boost? Because that’s kinda stupid. Is it that he likes her? I don’t know; it’s never fucking explained.

Admittedly, I’d like to give the author props for the entrance into Termina. It’s actually very well done. Essentially what happens is that they jump off a cliff into nothingness, and pieces of the world appear and start falling with them, as if the world is solidifying. The lines of reality start blurring, and they don’t every land in Termina—they just notice that they stopped falling at some point. It’s pretty cool, and while it’s a concept never used in a Zelda game, it seems like it’d fit in it very well. I can imagine that that’s what teleportation is like.

And then she ruins all the magic by making Tingle the very first thing they encounter in Termina.

Wheeeee….

It’s quite clear that Tingle’s only purpose in this story is for the author to vent about how much she hates him. She channels Midna and slanders him in every way possible. Yes, we get it. Tingle is annoying. You don’t have to rub it in our faces. It’s painful to read. It’s not important to the plot. If you hate him, you could have just, oh, I don’t know, left him out of the story. Wait, no, on second thought, that would be giving him too much honor. I mean, if I were a Zelda character, I’d absolutely love to be left out of this.

But Tingle can’t just be annoying. Oh, no, he has to be waaaaaay more creepy. Evidently, he has “connections” and “favor” with the Great Fairies. Those quotation marks aren’t mine, by the way. The author added them in. Yeah. And Tingle evidently is hitting on Midna. Sweet Nayru, does this author ever need to get over her hatred of Tingle.

So they head to see the Great Fairy. I sort of forgot to mention that Midna has a bow, mostly because I didn’t pay it much mind. But Link did. He laments that he didn’t bring weapons on this “epic—and epic-ly dangerous—quest.” Listen, do you even know what the word epic means? Because the quest you’re writing isn’t exactly epic. And as for “epic-ly” dangerous—okay, so what’s happened so far? You jumped down a hole and talked to a strange man that the author hates. Really, the only thing that’s posed either of them any danger are Link’s cutting branches.

So there’s some scenery porn, and some guy is evidently selling a creature called a “rogue tomato.” Yeah. Midna acts snarky, and, like he’s done about five times already, Link grins. Because that seems to be the only thing he’s capable of doing in this story.

They reach Termina’s famous clock tower and go inside, evidently forgetting that that’s not where the Great Fairy is. Inside is the Happy Mask Salesman, who spews bullshit about why he’s here and that he’s some sort of guardian spirit and blah, blah, blah. I know there’s a lot of theories on what exactly the Happy Mask Salesman is, but I never really thought “guardian spirit.” I mean, he got a mask of incredible power stolen from him by a little imp. Really, I found him to be much more sinister. Maybe he’s the reincarnation of Majora, atoning for misdeeds of the past. Maybe he’s a future villain setting the whole thing up to test Link’s capabilities. Maybe I’m just rattling off theories now to avoid going back to reading that bullshit.

Clearly the face of a trustworthy man.  Clearly.

So, the Happy Mask Salesman goes on about how Link’s the Hero and whatnot and tells him that his quest will mirror the old Hero’s in “unexpected ways.” If it’s mirroring his quest, then nothing’s really going to be unexpected, is it? In the author’s defense, though, pretty much everything that happens in this story is unexpected, just because I don’t care enough to expect anything.

And then the Mask Dude bows and vanishes. Erm, question, author. What the hell was the point of all that? If you’re going to force a cameo, at least make it somewhat relevant. To accommodate this cameo, the author had to assume that the Happy Mask Salesman is somehow immortal (come to think of it, that’s what she implied with Tingle as well) and force Midna and Link to abandon their quest for no reason other than sightseeing. I suppose you could argue that the Happy Mask Salesman healed his soul or something and made him less emo. In that case, thank Farore, but then the angst riddled cutting branches scene was even more pointless than it already was.

Okay, right. So. Link goes to gather that one spare fairy at the laundry pool, somehow knowing that that’s what he’ll need to do despite the fact that Termina seems to be mostly fine and that without the Skull Kid causing mischief, there is no fucking reason for the Great Fairies to have been broken apart. And then Midna does this hilarious thing where she breaks the fourth wall. Here, just read it:

Really?” Midna scoffed. “So, in this ‘version’ of the story, the Hero just uses his Triforce symbol to lure the fairies. I mean, that’s a lot easier than the original Link running around wearing that retarded Great Fairy’s mask. Because, no offense, but she was a little freaky looking—especially on Link’s head…”

Either the author is inadvertently pointing out her own story’s flaws, or she’s just given up. I hope it’s the latter, but I suspect, largely due to the fact that there are still about 80 pages left, that it’s the former. Also, Midna, that’s the wrong Link. You know, the Link you didn’t seem to know about when you were in Twilight Princess and never would have had the opportunity to meet. Man, reading this story is like getting raped in the ass by Ganondorf’s sword.

So after a purple-haired girl in a yellow mask almost knocks them over (okay, please tell me that’s not supposed to be a reference to the blue-haired male Kafei), they go to North Clock town and briefly see Tingle again. Joy. At least he’s more normal this time and not an “I’ll get you, my pretty!” stalker.

So they meet the Great Fairy, blah, blah, their “time must be short” because the author has to force more cameos, blah, more plot exposition about how they have to get the three songs. They’ve gotta go visit Nayru at Ikana, and then go visit the…Zorita? The…the Zorita? Um…okay?

Anyway, she finishes up with her exposition and…dissolves in a…golden rain? Okay, seriously. What the fuck? Does the author not realize just what the fuck she just said?

Picture somewhat related.

Anyway, before she dissolves into fucking piss, she gives Link a hookshot. He checks it out. It’s the same one that Dampe gave Link. It’s in pretty good condition, considering that it’s most likely several centuries old by this point.

And that brings us to the end of the first four chapters. Four chapters in, and I can barely take any more of this. Sweet Nayru.

We’ve actually got a special treat—Chapter 5 is so long and so bad that we’re going to have to split it into two separate posts.  In the first part, we’ll see oddly ambiguous characters, oddly specific legends, and proof that video game mechanics don’t work so well when they’re written.

Andy

Published in: on January 30, 2011 at 1:18 am  Leave a Comment  
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Silent Hero, Chapters 2 and 3

 

Chapter 2 is entitled “Timeless Maiden.” It opens with an overly-long description of Midna, returning in her non-imp form. And of course, because original dialogue is so hard to write, she simply references a line from Twilight Princess, asking if she’s so beautiful that he still has nothing to say. And then she’s proceeds to be a complete asshole to him by saying “Oh, you’re not my Link” and then expressing gladness at the fact that he’s mute. Wow. Okay, so that’s not how it was supposed to come across, and Midna always was kinda rude in the games, but…wow. What a bitch.

So Midna ropes Link into a quest, because hey, why not? The call to adventure has to come somehow. Link, self-loathing person he is, agrees to accompany her. Because hey, it’ll be even better than using branches to cut himself. Midna, evidently, has some connection to Termina. Hey, remember that reference that places this in the Wind Waker timeline? We should maybe ignore that, because evidently, Majora’s Mask happened in this timeline. So what we’ve got here are pretty much the only two games that canonically could not have happened in the same timeline happening in the same timeline. What.

So something’s bugging me just a little. Evidently, this Link is completely mute. Not, you know, normal mute. He literally does not seem to have vocal chords. If this is supposed to be true to the games, keep in mind that Link is very famous for his “Hyyyah!” yells that he always does. He’s not a full mute. So, yeah. That’s gonna be a bit annoying, and is going to make characterization quite a bit difficult. Can our author pull off a believable, identifiable Link? My money’s on no.

Anyway, as they’re going, Midna decides to give him some exposition. And we launch into chapter three.

Chapter three is titled…oh…oh, sweet Farore. “Neverending Story.” Oh, merciful Nayru, I hope not. Oh, Din, please let that be a metaphor for something in-story.

No good stories were harmed in the making of this fanfic.  Except for The Legend of Zelda.

Midna begins her story with a huge paradox. Evidently, Good and Evil (naturally, there are never any shades of gray) are locked in some eternal struggle, kind of like they always are. Evidently, as long as Good outweighs Evil, the world will continue, but once Evil outweighs good, everything gets destroyed, Evil is vanquished, and those who are Good ascend or something. Okay, question: why the hell does anyone choose Evil? It sounds like a pretty raw deal to me. I mean, even if you win, you lose.

Oh, and also, Minda’s like a sage too or something. Just like Saria. Er…Sarita. Calling this now, by the way: Midna’s totally gonna die.

So Midna provides probably some of the most boring exposition ever, and then says (surprise, surprise) that Link is the Heir to the original Link. Which I guess is the Ocarina of Time one, although it’s so totally not. And…oh, no. No. No. The Triforce just appears on his hand. It wasn’t there before. But now that Midna thinks he’s a hero or something, it just appears out of fucking nowhere. Majora’s balls, no. Just no. No. That is the worst no that I ever no no no no no. No.

So. Anyway. Midna tells him some bullshit about three songs he has to collect, because…well, because, and then shows her piece of Triforce. Yeah. Really. Evidently, the Triforce symbol has broken down into smaller triforce pieces. It’s like Sierpinski’s Triforce or something, only it hopefully doesn’t keep breaking down infinitely.

Like this.  Only yellow.

So Midna starts going on about this Twilit guy called Saru—er, Zaruman, who evidently deceived her or something and tried to marry her but decided to take things by force instead or something. I don’t really care. What I do care about is that Midna somehow managed to reassemble the Mirror of Twilight. She thought it was impossible, but she learned. Personally, I think that it’s a different mirror altogether, and she came across it when the author pulled it out of her ass. By the way, I’ve been wondering…why exactly did the Mirror of Twilight appear in Kokiri Forest? Isn’t that sort of not where it’s supposed to be?

So they reach the stump that marks the entrance to Termina, and Midna finally offers up the answer everyone wants to know: why the hell do they need to go to Termina? Naturally, it’s because two parts of that song are in Termina. Of course, the real reason is because the author liked Majora’s Mask and wants to put in as many references as possible.

As they find the entrance, they jump down the rabbit hole, just to see how far it goes. Okay, it sounds like I’m being harsh, there, but that’s how it happens in Majora’s Mask, too. And now the chapter’s ended!

I’m so glad that I’m already a whole…ninth of the way through this book.  Well.  Shit.  This is…this is gonna feel loooooong. I mean, it’s only 92 pages, but it really does feel like an endless story already.  *sigh*.  Well, join me next time as we take on Chapter 4, along with pointless cameos, unintentional innuendos, and…ugh.  And…*shudders*…Tingle.

Tingle.  Fucking Tingle.  Bring a helmet, folks.  You’ll need it for when you’re continuously banging your head on the desk.

Published in: on January 22, 2011 at 11:23 pm  Leave a Comment  
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