Midterm Hiatus

 

So, some of you have maybe noticed that I didn’t update a chapter of FangQuest last Wednesday.  And I’ll admit right now that I don’t have the chapter I was planning to upload this Saturday for Silent Hero read yet.  This is because I’ve been very busy lately, and I don’t have time to sit down, read shitty stuff, and then post on it.  It’s midterms where I am, and I’ll probably have some time on Spring Break (yay, choir tours and long bus rides) to catch back up.  But for now, my grades come first.

So for this week, and probably the next, there won’t be any updates.  Sorry.

Andy

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Published in: on March 10, 2011 at 11:45 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Silent Hero, Chapter 7

 

Well, I just got back from a class where we’re going over Gulliver’s Travels, a satirical book with multiple levels of wit and complexity. A shame I have to ruin all that by reading this shitfest that tries to pass itself off as (strikethrough) literature writing(/strikethrough) text. However, I realized last Saturday that I only have one more week of material written to upload. So unfortunately, I have to return to my wade through wads of crud.

You know what? I ain’t even mad anymore. That last chapter has dulled me. If I can get past interspecies romance and my heroic Link doing the least heroic thing possible, I can get through anything. There’s no way that anything could be worse than that last chapter. It may be a chore to read, but at least I won’t be tempted to head back into the angst forest.

Okay, then. Chapter seven. It’s entitled “The Voice of the Goddess.” Well, at least it doesn’t sound as horrible as the last one. Let’s do this.

So as the chapter starts, they’re traveling somewhere (I don’t even fucking care anymore), and slip past Tingle several times. Also, Link can somehow suggest with facial expressions that there might be more than one Tingle. How does he do that? I don’t fucking know, and I don’t fucking care anymore. All I know is that this author needs to just shut the fuck up about Tingle. Really, this is like beating a dead horse, teabagging it, and then throwing a party in celebration of your victory.

So Link and Midna set up camp for the night, and Link spends his time being half-asleep and fawning over Midna. That’s when a voice calls out their names.

Link can’t quite seem to place the disembodied voice that he’s heard a few times before, even though the reader, who wouldn’t be able to recognize the tone, knows who it is instantly. Well, they don’t know who it is, since the speaker hasn’t been revealed yet, but the chapter title would imply a goddess or something. And no one really cares anymore either.

Anyway, Link wonders if it’s Midna. She wakes up, sees him watching her sleep, and calls him a pervert. As annoying as Midna is as a character here, I’m gonna have to agree with her. Of course, she also totally deserves it for attempting to be the main character.

Unlike Link, Midna recognizes the disembodied voice immediately. Probably because it’s the only disembodied voice they know, so it shouldn’t have been too hard to figure out. Anyway, the voice calls Link the “Hero of Time of this age.” Erm, yeah, no. Each Link has had a different title. But whatever. She goes on to say that the two are not the only ones she’s followed in secret (the creeper) and that she’s been gathering info on Ganondorf, Majora, and SaruZant. I mean Zarumon. I mean SaruZant. She tells them to listen carefully, because she’s about to reveal all she has learned.

Oh, boy! An exposition chapter! I love these things!

She begins by revealing what everyone already knows: that Ganondorf has the Triforce of Power, and that it’s been split so that Majora and SaruZant each have a piece as well. Of course, Ganondorf plans to betray them. This is all portrayed in dialogue that proves that the disembodied voice, whoever she is, is probably not fully fluent in whatever language it is they speak in Hyrule. Oh, wait, that’s the author, and she’s probably not fluent in English.

So Ganondorf wants the Triforce (surprise, surprise!) and is hunting down the people who hold the other two pieces.

Of course, it’s a Sierpinski Triforce now, so the pieces of Courage and Wisdom have broken down further. So since Link has one, Midna has two, and Ganny and Friends have three, that leaves for three unaccounted pieces. Yes, disembodied voice. We know. Even I can do basic math.

So the Triforce pieces have evidently been split through three realms, Light (Hyrule), Shadow (Twilight), and Spirit (Termina). Why Termina is the “Spirit Realm,” I have no clue. It probably just sounded good. Except that it didn’t.

So the heroes of the Light Realm have to seek out these other Triforce pieces and learn two songs, Midna’s Requiem and Zelda’s Lullaby. Okay, question: since Midna’s obviously from Twilight, not Hyrule, why did she learn the song and not Link? And another question: why don’t they leave the Triforce scattered. It’s Ganny’s goal to gather the pieces, isn’t it? Why the hell would you go gather them for him and then take him on? It doesn’t really make any sense.

Oh, wait, never mind. It does. They need all those things to get the Master Sword. What a daring move on the author’s part. I’m wondering if there’ll be a plot twist shortly after they do. No, seriously, I am. Although I’m more accurately wondering if it’ll be an actual plot twist, or more like a poorly-written plot kink.

Oh, fun little detail: unless they’re part of the Spirit Realm, the holders of the Triforce will have to die to give their pieces up. And since Zelda obviously has the third piece of the Triforce of Wisdom, either Midna or Zelda will have to die. It had better fucking be Midna. Of course, I’m sure the author will find some way to revive her.

The voice vanishes (yeah, don’t ask), and Midna wonders who it was. GEE, MIDNA, I WONDER IF IT WAS ZELDA. WOULDN’T THAT BE SOMETHING? Link smirks at her curiosity, because hey, they had just been given so much juicy information and she’s still wondering about that. Oh, except that the only substantial thing anyone has learned is that someone’s gonna have to die.

So Midna goes on a rant about how it could be Ganondorf or something toying with them, which is completely nullified by the fact that Link has an inner monologue explaining that he somehow knows that she’s not really serious about the rant. It’s also nullified by the fact that it’s clearly not a trap. If it is, I will record a video for you of me eating my hat and posting it here so that you can see it.

IMG000004

It’s a ladybug bucket hat, incidentally.  Hold me to this.

So Midna lies down and falls back asleep, and the chapter ends with Link creepily trying to smile into her dreams. Aww. Isn’t that precious?

Well, this chapter was, thankfully, much less bad than the previous one. Tune in next time, as we find out what the hell this “Many Link” thing is.

Published in: on March 5, 2011 at 9:31 pm  Comments (1)  

FangQuest, Chapter 3

 

As we begin chapter 3, in which not much happens, a bunch of people bring back a crapload of food that was evidently able to grow solely on firelight and garden fog. Then there’s a paragraph of food porn. Then, probably because a squirrel shouldn’t exactly be able to wield a battle-ax, Jacques makes a dirk out of obsidian. This really has nothing to do with what’s coming up.

After Marina and Barkfur discuss what’s obvious to the audience and should be obvious to them (i.e., the Powerstones have special powers), they eat. Then, Mibs flies around and looks for an exit. We are assured that, even though he talks not goodly, he is actually quite intelligent. Um…okay? Good to know? After he returns, he tells them where they’ll leave, complete with a completely new accent. This one looks to be either Southern or Scottish.

They go through Mibs’s tunnel and find another cavern. This one is a bit smaller than the last one, but it’s prettier. It’s decked out in white marble and carvings, with columns that resemble Greek or Roman architecture. Did we mention that Greece and Rome existed in this alternate universe? It’s true. A particularly dark chapter of history is that of the Dog-emperor Nero, and how he would feed lions to the Christians.

Also, there’s a huge-ass mosaic on the floor of Blackfang. Oh, wait, he’s just Fang, Blackfang’s ancestor. Just Blackfang’s. Not his siblings’.

You may, at this point, be wondering why I’ve started color coding the names according to the Powerstones.  Well, it’s because each character has so little personality that I doubt you’ll be able to tell them apart.  In fact, the Powerstone they have is probably the closest each of them comes to having any sort of identity.  So it’s for your sake!

Anyway, while they’re all admiring this out-of-place architecture, Jacques heads around the corner, and this stag comes out. Does it walk on two legs or four? Again, dunno. But at least we know his rack is polished.  It “was polished until it was as white as a gentle cloud.” Some awkward wording in this sentence, but the more I think about the metaphor, the more I like it. It’s creative, original, and works. Good job, author! I salute you for that one.

And I flinch at the next sentence: “Maxus?” Jacques said looking as if he had seen a ghost.

Great job, author. Way to blow a creative, original metaphor with a lame, boring, cliché one.

Coming up next time: a hint of perspective, the most dickish reunion ever, and a trial by fire.

Andy

Published in: on March 2, 2011 at 11:42 pm  Leave a Comment  
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