Silent Hero, Chapter 6 (1/2)

 

[AN: the following paragraph was written before I read this chapter.  After reading chapter 6, I have no clue how chapter 5 could have possibly caused me any despair.  Yes, chapter 6 is that much worse.  Be afraid.]

After that last chapter, I took some time off to reconsider my view of life. I would have used Silent Hero as proof that there is no God, had I not needed someone to pray to for strength to get through this. I came to the conclusion that if He exists, he probably just isn’t a big fan of Zelda. This new dogma is a bit difficult for me to accept, but it’s the only thing that makes any sort of sense. But maybe he’s just a fanboy who’s upset because no new games have lived up to his expectations after Ocarina of Time. Yeah, this is just Nintendo’s punishment for that. That would explain BMB Finishes’ “Hero of Time” fan film, too.

If you’ve never heard of this movie, you should be glad.

Okay, now that the existential crisis is over, let’s launch into Chapter 6, entitled “The Promise of the Zorita’s Eyes.” Wow. I…I’m stunned. That chapter title was horrible. I’ve heard math majors come up with better-sounding and more creative chapter titles than that (apologies to you math majors out there that do not fit the left-brained stereotype).

I think I’m going to learn from last time and check the chapter length. And…oh, dear. Um…this one’s probably going to be another two-parter. I’m starting to think that there’s more wrong with this book than what’s even in the book. I think I must hate myself.

So, the winged lady “lights before them.” What. I do not think that word means what you think it means. Did she lightly land before them? Did she illuminate before them? I’m gonna guess that this was a typo. But anyway, the other Zorita follow her, and Link stares at them with awe and curiosity, like Sarita when she was “studying some new corner of the wood.”

…Yeah, I don’t think I’m going there.

Instead of trying to describe these abominations of nature for you, I think I’ll let the author do it herself.

Wings folded, it looked as though long, shallow turtle shells rested upon their backs. Moonlit water droplets glistened like thousands of miniature aquamarines upon their blue-green skin. Their faces, noses, and ears were long, angular, bearing an elven sort of elegance, as did their arms, legs, and the graceful fins arching from both wrists and ankles. Silver hair spilled down the backs of the ladies, while the silver locks of the men was cut in short, tight ringlets. Their eyes gleamed like sapphires, just as inquisitively as Link felt his must look.

This description is not only hard to figure out, but seems to differ from both the Rito and the Zora. I really don’t get this. It’s…okay, how can something like that look beautiful? I’m thinking either of a blue-green elf with fins and a turtle shell, or a cross between a bird-person and fish-person. Whichever one I think of, it I have a mental image of an abomination of nature.  You know what?  Let’s see if we can try to figure out what they look like.

This is a Zora

This is a Rito

This is a Zorita, as interpreted by the lovely Broeckchen.  It looks like nothing out of this world.  Or our of Hyrule, either.

Link gets praised by the fish-bird-woman and blushes. Umkay. I hope it’s the praise, but then again, he did describe the Zorita as “lovely.”

A sentence of description/prose ends with a quotation mark. Okay, that’s a small mistake that I’ve made in the past. Of course, if you’re going to publish this for people to read, you may want to do a bit of proofreading first.

So the Zorita is named Ava, and she’s the princess of the Zorita. Because if you can’t just take an old character’s name and change it a bit, you could always just take the base of avian/aviation/aviate/whatever-word-that-has-to-deal-with-flying-this-is. Still, I’d take that over Joller. Anyway, Ava and her people have been patiently yet anxiously yet paradoxically waiting for him to arrive. You cannot be both patient and anxious for something. The two are opposites. I think I see what you’re saying. You just didn’t say it right.

So the author evidently read my complaints last chapter about how the Zorita being able to swim and fly is physically impossible. She provides an explanation! I’m shocked! Here’s how it works: when they fold their wings, the feathers fold inside. They are protected from water by a lightweight, waterproof leather, which is evidently airtight and keeps the feathers from getting wet. They can fold or unfurl them in an instant for quick transitions from water to air to water. It’s actually a very nice explanation. I can only find one minor flaw, which is that wings do not fucking work that way! Wings like this are either leathery (like a bat’s), or feathery (like a bird’s). The two function in completely different ways. If the wings are feathery, having leather on them would ruin the aerodynamics. If they’re leathery wings, then having feathers on them would weigh them down too much. There is a reason that animals that fly aren’t particularly aquatic, and vice versa.

wings

Clearly, the two types of wings don’t really function the same way.

Ava walks up to a wall, checks it, and then walks through it. It’s evidently a hidden entrance of some sort. Now, the first question I have is why didn’t Ava explain this instead of just walking through and expecting Midna and Link to follow? They sit there a few seconds completely confused. A quick “By the way, this wall is a hidden entrance, so don’t be surprised that we can just walk through it” would help. The second question I have is how does this work? I mean, it’s not exactly explained. It’s just…a wall that they can walk through. It’s obvious that the wall isn’t really there, but it’s never explained how it works. Is it magic? Is it an optical illusion? A hologram? I demand an explanation. But I won’t get one.

So they reach the Zorita village. Admittedly, the geography does make some sense. They live on cliffs (like the Rito), but there are places where it drops off into the ocean, where they presumably swim.

Also, there’s grass there that greets their feet “like old friends embracing them in a tight, comforting hug.” Um…okay? I dunno, I’ve never really been hugged by grass before. But hey, it’s your analogy. I mean, it’s a bad one, but hey, your choice. Also, it’s been what, two days since they’ve been in Kokiri forest? Was there no grass there? I mean, I get that you say that there were brambles and whatnot, but still. And are they not wearing shoes? Why not? I mean, they were just walking around in the rocky canyons. Most importantly, is two days enough time away from any sort of grass that it suddenly becomes orgasmic to be around again? Because here in the Midwest, we have this thing called “winter.” When “winter” comes around, there’s this white, powdery, cold stuff called “snow” that covers all the grass for about a quarter of every year. We somehow manage to be fine. I mean, we get pretty excited every spring, but come on. It’s grass. We get over it. Two days without grass is not enough for anyone to miss it.

I get off to this every night.

The person that they are quite obviously going to learn this part of the song from is a Zorita named Asher, a wise, laid-back dude. I’ve gotta admit, I kinda like him, if just because he’s the only original character who actually seems to have any personality.

He explains that the Zorita were once the Zora, and then evolved into the Rito, and then evolved into the Zorita, a cross between the two. There’s one problem I have with this: evolution does not fucking work like that! Why go from fish to birds and then to fish-birds? Wouldn’t it be easier to cut out the middle step and go straight to the hybrid, if it’s evolutionarily superior? That’s like if humans were to suddenly become half-monkey again. Sure, it’d be great to have opposable thumbs on our feet and to climb really well, but we’ve evolved past monkeys for a reason. If it were more beneficial for our survival to be a hybrid between what we were and what we are now, we never would have evolved past it in the first place. Congratulations. You just drove a biologist to suicide. I hope you’re fucking happy.

Clearly the superior species.

Also, the paragraph that describe the process proved that the author have no idea how to using tense.

So evidently the (not exactly) first Link, the Hero of Time, spent the rest of his days living in Termina. Only there were evidently two Links created…the past Link and the future Link. Um, not quite. Future Zelda removed Future Link from the timeline by sending him back to the past. And they certainly didn’t live simultaneously or anything. So what you’re essentially saying, author, is that you believe that the split timeline is canon, but don’t care enough to figure out which game falls under which timeline? I mean, there are some arguments, but there are also some cases where it’s pretty impossible and by having the child and adult timelines exist in the same universe you oh dear I’ve gone cross-eyed.

Well.  That was bad.  But it’s about to get worse.  A lot worse.

Seriously.  A lot worse.  This is your last chance to turn back.  But if you hate yourself as much I clearly hate myself, come back next week, when you will lose any faith you may have had in this story.

Andy

Advertisements
Published in: on February 19, 2011 at 3:14 pm  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , ,

The URI to TrackBack this entry is: https://badfics.wordpress.com/2011/02/19/silent-hero-chapter-6-12/trackback/

RSS feed for comments on this post.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: