Silent Hero, Chapter 4


Chapter four, then: A True Fairy. Lemme guess—Tingle’s in this chapter, right? Oh fucking boy.

So, Link’s holding tightly to Midna’s hand as they fall, though not out of fear. Because the fear has dissipated and given way to excitement and…wait, wait, wait, back up a second. Are we not allowed to know why he’s holding Midna’s hand so tightly? Is it the adrenaline boost? Because that’s kinda stupid. Is it that he likes her? I don’t know; it’s never fucking explained.

Admittedly, I’d like to give the author props for the entrance into Termina. It’s actually very well done. Essentially what happens is that they jump off a cliff into nothingness, and pieces of the world appear and start falling with them, as if the world is solidifying. The lines of reality start blurring, and they don’t every land in Termina—they just notice that they stopped falling at some point. It’s pretty cool, and while it’s a concept never used in a Zelda game, it seems like it’d fit in it very well. I can imagine that that’s what teleportation is like.

And then she ruins all the magic by making Tingle the very first thing they encounter in Termina.


It’s quite clear that Tingle’s only purpose in this story is for the author to vent about how much she hates him. She channels Midna and slanders him in every way possible. Yes, we get it. Tingle is annoying. You don’t have to rub it in our faces. It’s painful to read. It’s not important to the plot. If you hate him, you could have just, oh, I don’t know, left him out of the story. Wait, no, on second thought, that would be giving him too much honor. I mean, if I were a Zelda character, I’d absolutely love to be left out of this.

But Tingle can’t just be annoying. Oh, no, he has to be waaaaaay more creepy. Evidently, he has “connections” and “favor” with the Great Fairies. Those quotation marks aren’t mine, by the way. The author added them in. Yeah. And Tingle evidently is hitting on Midna. Sweet Nayru, does this author ever need to get over her hatred of Tingle.

So they head to see the Great Fairy. I sort of forgot to mention that Midna has a bow, mostly because I didn’t pay it much mind. But Link did. He laments that he didn’t bring weapons on this “epic—and epic-ly dangerous—quest.” Listen, do you even know what the word epic means? Because the quest you’re writing isn’t exactly epic. And as for “epic-ly” dangerous—okay, so what’s happened so far? You jumped down a hole and talked to a strange man that the author hates. Really, the only thing that’s posed either of them any danger are Link’s cutting branches.

So there’s some scenery porn, and some guy is evidently selling a creature called a “rogue tomato.” Yeah. Midna acts snarky, and, like he’s done about five times already, Link grins. Because that seems to be the only thing he’s capable of doing in this story.

They reach Termina’s famous clock tower and go inside, evidently forgetting that that’s not where the Great Fairy is. Inside is the Happy Mask Salesman, who spews bullshit about why he’s here and that he’s some sort of guardian spirit and blah, blah, blah. I know there’s a lot of theories on what exactly the Happy Mask Salesman is, but I never really thought “guardian spirit.” I mean, he got a mask of incredible power stolen from him by a little imp. Really, I found him to be much more sinister. Maybe he’s the reincarnation of Majora, atoning for misdeeds of the past. Maybe he’s a future villain setting the whole thing up to test Link’s capabilities. Maybe I’m just rattling off theories now to avoid going back to reading that bullshit.

Clearly the face of a trustworthy man.  Clearly.

So, the Happy Mask Salesman goes on about how Link’s the Hero and whatnot and tells him that his quest will mirror the old Hero’s in “unexpected ways.” If it’s mirroring his quest, then nothing’s really going to be unexpected, is it? In the author’s defense, though, pretty much everything that happens in this story is unexpected, just because I don’t care enough to expect anything.

And then the Mask Dude bows and vanishes. Erm, question, author. What the hell was the point of all that? If you’re going to force a cameo, at least make it somewhat relevant. To accommodate this cameo, the author had to assume that the Happy Mask Salesman is somehow immortal (come to think of it, that’s what she implied with Tingle as well) and force Midna and Link to abandon their quest for no reason other than sightseeing. I suppose you could argue that the Happy Mask Salesman healed his soul or something and made him less emo. In that case, thank Farore, but then the angst riddled cutting branches scene was even more pointless than it already was.

Okay, right. So. Link goes to gather that one spare fairy at the laundry pool, somehow knowing that that’s what he’ll need to do despite the fact that Termina seems to be mostly fine and that without the Skull Kid causing mischief, there is no fucking reason for the Great Fairies to have been broken apart. And then Midna does this hilarious thing where she breaks the fourth wall. Here, just read it:

Really?” Midna scoffed. “So, in this ‘version’ of the story, the Hero just uses his Triforce symbol to lure the fairies. I mean, that’s a lot easier than the original Link running around wearing that retarded Great Fairy’s mask. Because, no offense, but she was a little freaky looking—especially on Link’s head…”

Either the author is inadvertently pointing out her own story’s flaws, or she’s just given up. I hope it’s the latter, but I suspect, largely due to the fact that there are still about 80 pages left, that it’s the former. Also, Midna, that’s the wrong Link. You know, the Link you didn’t seem to know about when you were in Twilight Princess and never would have had the opportunity to meet. Man, reading this story is like getting raped in the ass by Ganondorf’s sword.

So after a purple-haired girl in a yellow mask almost knocks them over (okay, please tell me that’s not supposed to be a reference to the blue-haired male Kafei), they go to North Clock town and briefly see Tingle again. Joy. At least he’s more normal this time and not an “I’ll get you, my pretty!” stalker.

So they meet the Great Fairy, blah, blah, their “time must be short” because the author has to force more cameos, blah, more plot exposition about how they have to get the three songs. They’ve gotta go visit Nayru at Ikana, and then go visit the…Zorita? The…the Zorita? Um…okay?

Anyway, she finishes up with her exposition and…dissolves in a…golden rain? Okay, seriously. What the fuck? Does the author not realize just what the fuck she just said?

Picture somewhat related.

Anyway, before she dissolves into fucking piss, she gives Link a hookshot. He checks it out. It’s the same one that Dampe gave Link. It’s in pretty good condition, considering that it’s most likely several centuries old by this point.

And that brings us to the end of the first four chapters. Four chapters in, and I can barely take any more of this. Sweet Nayru.

We’ve actually got a special treat—Chapter 5 is so long and so bad that we’re going to have to split it into two separate posts.  In the first part, we’ll see oddly ambiguous characters, oddly specific legends, and proof that video game mechanics don’t work so well when they’re written.


Published in: on January 30, 2011 at 1:18 am  Leave a Comment  
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Silent Hero, Chapters 2 and 3


Chapter 2 is entitled “Timeless Maiden.” It opens with an overly-long description of Midna, returning in her non-imp form. And of course, because original dialogue is so hard to write, she simply references a line from Twilight Princess, asking if she’s so beautiful that he still has nothing to say. And then she’s proceeds to be a complete asshole to him by saying “Oh, you’re not my Link” and then expressing gladness at the fact that he’s mute. Wow. Okay, so that’s not how it was supposed to come across, and Midna always was kinda rude in the games, but…wow. What a bitch.

So Midna ropes Link into a quest, because hey, why not? The call to adventure has to come somehow. Link, self-loathing person he is, agrees to accompany her. Because hey, it’ll be even better than using branches to cut himself. Midna, evidently, has some connection to Termina. Hey, remember that reference that places this in the Wind Waker timeline? We should maybe ignore that, because evidently, Majora’s Mask happened in this timeline. So what we’ve got here are pretty much the only two games that canonically could not have happened in the same timeline happening in the same timeline. What.

So something’s bugging me just a little. Evidently, this Link is completely mute. Not, you know, normal mute. He literally does not seem to have vocal chords. If this is supposed to be true to the games, keep in mind that Link is very famous for his “Hyyyah!” yells that he always does. He’s not a full mute. So, yeah. That’s gonna be a bit annoying, and is going to make characterization quite a bit difficult. Can our author pull off a believable, identifiable Link? My money’s on no.

Anyway, as they’re going, Midna decides to give him some exposition. And we launch into chapter three.

Chapter three is titled…oh…oh, sweet Farore. “Neverending Story.” Oh, merciful Nayru, I hope not. Oh, Din, please let that be a metaphor for something in-story.

No good stories were harmed in the making of this fanfic.  Except for The Legend of Zelda.

Midna begins her story with a huge paradox. Evidently, Good and Evil (naturally, there are never any shades of gray) are locked in some eternal struggle, kind of like they always are. Evidently, as long as Good outweighs Evil, the world will continue, but once Evil outweighs good, everything gets destroyed, Evil is vanquished, and those who are Good ascend or something. Okay, question: why the hell does anyone choose Evil? It sounds like a pretty raw deal to me. I mean, even if you win, you lose.

Oh, and also, Minda’s like a sage too or something. Just like Saria. Er…Sarita. Calling this now, by the way: Midna’s totally gonna die.

So Midna provides probably some of the most boring exposition ever, and then says (surprise, surprise) that Link is the Heir to the original Link. Which I guess is the Ocarina of Time one, although it’s so totally not. And…oh, no. No. No. The Triforce just appears on his hand. It wasn’t there before. But now that Midna thinks he’s a hero or something, it just appears out of fucking nowhere. Majora’s balls, no. Just no. No. That is the worst no that I ever no no no no no. No.

So. Anyway. Midna tells him some bullshit about three songs he has to collect, because…well, because, and then shows her piece of Triforce. Yeah. Really. Evidently, the Triforce symbol has broken down into smaller triforce pieces. It’s like Sierpinski’s Triforce or something, only it hopefully doesn’t keep breaking down infinitely.

Like this.  Only yellow.

So Midna starts going on about this Twilit guy called Saru—er, Zaruman, who evidently deceived her or something and tried to marry her but decided to take things by force instead or something. I don’t really care. What I do care about is that Midna somehow managed to reassemble the Mirror of Twilight. She thought it was impossible, but she learned. Personally, I think that it’s a different mirror altogether, and she came across it when the author pulled it out of her ass. By the way, I’ve been wondering…why exactly did the Mirror of Twilight appear in Kokiri Forest? Isn’t that sort of not where it’s supposed to be?

So they reach the stump that marks the entrance to Termina, and Midna finally offers up the answer everyone wants to know: why the hell do they need to go to Termina? Naturally, it’s because two parts of that song are in Termina. Of course, the real reason is because the author liked Majora’s Mask and wants to put in as many references as possible.

As they find the entrance, they jump down the rabbit hole, just to see how far it goes. Okay, it sounds like I’m being harsh, there, but that’s how it happens in Majora’s Mask, too. And now the chapter’s ended!

I’m so glad that I’m already a whole…ninth of the way through this book.  Well.  Shit.  This is…this is gonna feel loooooong. I mean, it’s only 92 pages, but it really does feel like an endless story already.  *sigh*.  Well, join me next time as we take on Chapter 4, along with pointless cameos, unintentional innuendos, and…ugh.  And…*shudders*…Tingle.

Tingle.  Fucking Tingle.  Bring a helmet, folks.  You’ll need it for when you’re continuously banging your head on the desk.

Published in: on January 22, 2011 at 11:23 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Silent Hero, Prologue and Chapter 1

Okay, now we dive into the prologue, entitled “Creation.” It’s essentially just a retelling of the Hyrule creation myth laid out in Ocarina of Time. The writing still doesn’t feel like anything special.  Just a prologue.

And now we’re on to “Part 1.” Oh. Great. There’s parts. Anyway, Part 1, Chapter 1: The Lost Hero.

The LOST hero.

So now we’re getting exposition about Kokiri Forest. You know, for a story that evidently doesn’t feature Link, it’s feeling a lot like an Ocarina of Time novelization so far. Also, evidently the Ocarina of Time Link is known as the “Great Hero of All Times,” instead of the more canonical and much less wordy “Hero of Time.”

So evidently this exposition (which I largely expect to be pointless in the long run) is a legend being told by the Kokiri named Joller. Kind of a dumb name, but maybe that’s just me. There’s apparently some sort of festival going on in Kokiri Forest. At least, it had better be in Kokiri Forest, as the Kokiri kind of can’t leave.

And Link’s evidently there. Great. So they’re telling legends about a guy who’s right there.

Aaaaaaaand what the fuck? It sounds like an Ocarina of Time reference, but no, this evidently takes place in the future in the Wind Waker timeline. Really. And evidently the Kokiri are green-skinned now. Okay, seriously, I’m a bit lost now. When does this story take place? Is it in New Hyrule (the one in Spirit Tracks), because I don’t think the remains of Kokiri Forest are there. Unless the land sprung back and everyone decided “hey, let’s completely abandon this nation and go back to Old Hyrule!”

And it seems like this story’s protagonist is, in fact, Link. But a different Link. Okay, this is my fault. I should have seen that this is what the author meant by Link’s heir, since there are about seven different confirmed Links at this point in Nintendo canon. And he’s mute, like some people believe Link is. And he’s angsting over how he feels so left out because he can’t sing, meaning that he’s evidently a complete outcast. Couldn’t he just, oh, I dunno, play an instrument? I don’t think the Kokiri would have a problem with that. I mean, they’ve been shown to play ocarinas and violins in the past at the very least.

And sweet Nayru, this is the angstiest Link I’ve ever seen. No, seriously, read this:

Quietly, he stole up the hill, slipping into the thick of the woods like an insignificant shadow. Long ago he’d mastered the art of complete silence. Why not? With no voice, at least that was one talent he could manage to master. Rushing past the trees, he was careless as their branches scraped his skin, burning with small scratches and tears. He didn’t care; the pain felt good. It allowed the pain of his heart to ease just a little, to be replaced, if but temporarily. The burning of those small scars helped him to blink back fiery tears of scars buried much deeper within himself…

Really? You’re going to turn Link into an angry person with emotional pain who loves hurting himself because it makes him somehow feel better? Sweet Nayru, how long until he starts writing poetry about the dark miasma of his soul?

“This knife doesn’t hurt enough.  Now if only I had some branches….” (Image credit to tinzuka95)

Thankfully, he’s yanked out of this emo-fest by his friend…oh, no. Oh, Din, no. Sarita? Really? No! That’s lazy, even by fanfiction standards. Is he going to meet a redheaded farm girl named Marlon or the princess’s attendant Inpa?* No! Good Lord, this “fan novel” is starting to make me as emo as its protagonist.

So…Sarita…decides to snap him out of it by telling him that he’s good at other things that don’t involve talking, and says that everyone thinks he looks so much like the ancient Hero. Yes, someone who they almost certainly have never met, since he was long dead by the time they evolved into barklings and back. I must have missed the part in the games where the Kokiri erected a giant statue of him that has somehow managed not to be lost underwater when Hyrule flooded.

Link decides that he feels better and only wants a few more minutes of whining (as opposed to hours), so Sarita (who has been compared to a sage twice already…you know, a sage, like Saria was in Ocarina of Time!  Did you catch that, guys?  Did you catch it?  It’s so subtle, I barely caught it myself!) lets him go off into the woods. Link decides to spend that time thinking about trees. Then a star crashes into the earth or something, and he goes to check it out, seeing a queen of some sort step out of a mirror.

And that’s where the chapter ends!  Stay tuned for asspulls, the logical fallacies of choosing the side of evil, and the worst handling of the Triforce ever as we review chapters 2 and 3!


*Note: For those not familiar with the Legend of Zelda series, these names are a reference to Malon and Impa, two characters who share roles with their theoretical counterparts I came up with on the spot.

Published in: on January 14, 2011 at 3:09 pm  Comments (2)  
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Welcome to BARF!

Hey, everyone.  If you’re reading this, then you’re obviously going through this blog in chronological order.  Or you’ve just somehow managed to stumble across the site before I get anything up.  Anyway, I’m Andy, and I’ll be reviewing crappy fiction.  I’m not talking about published stuff here.  No, if it’s published, there are always some redeemable qualities to it.  I’m talking more along the lines of fanfiction and self-published novels.  Almost everything I review is available for free viewing/download somewhere or another, so you can read along if you like.  But then again, why would you want to?

I’m sure that some of you have heard of Sturgeon’s Law, which states that 90% of everything is crap.  Often times, it’s added that the remaining 10% is worth dying for.  You will not find that 10% here.  What you will find here is the worst of the worst.  The unimaginative, the poorly handled, the unfunny, and worst of all, the boring.  These stories are not going to be fun to read.  They will be a trial.  But what doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger, right?  So let’s dive into the worst of the worst to learn from their mistakes.


Published in: on January 8, 2011 at 10:35 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Silent Hero, Introduction and Blurb

So, recently, I came across a little book called “Silent Hero: a Fan Novel Based on Nintendo’s Legend of Zelda.” It’s a fan novel written by Christine E. Schulze available for free download on the Nook and a few other places. I’m a huge Legend of Zelda fan, so naturally, I wanted to at least check this out.

So my first thought, naturally, is “what makes this a fan novel and not just a fanfiction?” I came to the conclusion that it’s because it’s been actually published in a non-print format and is available for free distribution.

Oh, wait.

Okay, so maybe I’m getting too judgmental. I mean, less than a hundred pages is hardly a “novel,” but it could still be a perfectly good story. But I doubt it. That’s why I’m dedicating myself to reading it, and doing a very in-depth snarky review as I go. Shall we begin?

Let’s start with the blurb/intro. The Triforce has evidently been broken into nine pieces this time, instead of three. Let’s see…alongside the Triforce of Wisdom, Courage, and Power, I’m guessing we’ll have the Triforces of Filler, Angst, Unnecessary Awesome, More Filler, Poor Writing, and A Love Interest For Link Who’s Totally Not An Insert Of The Female Author. But hey, that’s just a guess. I could be wrong.

Anyway, this evidently mashes up the plots of Ocarina of Time (because if you’re writing a novelization, it’s always Ocarina of Time), Majora’s Mask, and Twilight Princess. Fun.

So we’ve got Link and Zelda described in vague, “poetic” terms, and then we get to our villains:

These two Heroes against three great enemies: Ganondorf, Majora, and the young, ambitious Zaruman, who connects both guardians and enemies of the three realms in ways which the heir of Link could never imagine…

Well, it’s still early…I could maybe overlook an awkward sentence fragment just once. Also, you kinda misspelled “Saruman.” Seriously, was Zant not a good enough villain for you? Apart from that, there’s…wait. Wait, wait, waitwaitwait.

…the heir of Link? Really? You’re dropping Link out of the story and replacing him with his son? Really? This just screams “bad fanfiction.”

Buuuuuuut, moving on, let’s finish this intro/blurb thing:

In a race against time and in a mission which breaks the boundaries of time, Hero and Princess must combine courage and wisdom to collect the notes of a powerful requiem and use their knowledge of the ancient legends to press forward and resurrect a mighty weapon from Hyrule’s past. Aided by a strange voice, Great Fairies, and their own intuition, will they succeed like the Hero who came before them? Can darkness and light converge without creating shadow?

Wow. This is the most vague, awkwardly worded blurb I’ve ever read. This is supposed to be something that your reader sees once and thinks “awesome,” not something your reader has to look over five times before thinking “screw it.”

Well, that brings the intro/burb thing to an end. After that there’s the legal stuff and whatnot, in which this is clearly stated to be fanfiction. Also, if you’re reading this story without purchasing it, you’re evidently supposed to return it and buy a copy. But it’s free. What.

Well, that’s over. Let’s hold our breaths and plunge in.  Next time, we’ll see canon rape, angst, and the most unnecessary name change ever as we look over the prologue and the first chapter.


Published in: on January 8, 2011 at 9:10 pm  Leave a Comment  
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