Silent Hero, Part 2, Chapter 1 and 2

Heeeeeeeeey, everyone!  We’re back, and we’re launching right back into Silent Hero!  Today we start Part 2, Chapter 1: The Voice Speaks Again.

When we last left our heroes, the they had visited the Twilight Realm and did pretty much nothing before heading back to Hyrule.  Now that they’ve returned to Hyrule, they’re chilling at Link’s place, realizing that “oh, shit, we really have no idea where to go from here” and that sleep is probably the best choice.

This is when Disembodied-Voice-Who-Is-Totally-Not-Zelda decides to speak again.  She tells them of sealed places of the ancient, original Hyrule, which house the spiritual stones that the first (but actually not the first) Link picked up.  They’re to be used to get to the Master Sword, because that’s just tradition in a Zelda quest and to break it would just be blasphemy.

So they have to get the three spiritual stones, put in hidden places guarded by three sages that they get to by playing Midna’s Requiem.  Where are they?  Let’s let Totally-Not-Zelda answer that question.

One Stone lies hidden in the Empress of the Wind.

One Stone rides the Spirit of the Seas.

One Stone is buried within the Goddess of the Sands.

Well.  Interesting choice, going with wind, water, sand instead of forest, fire, water.

So the voice tells them that to find the first goddess (does she mean the Empress of the Wind or the sage?), they should travel to the place where their journey began.  Um…if they’re in Kokiri forest, aren’t they kind of already there?  That’s where they started, isn’t it?

The voice tells them that she wants to reveal her full identity to them, but can’t.  But she can leave them with a name, and that name is….

…Pami?

Oh please tell me that I’m not going to end up eating my words.  Please, please please please please let it still actually be Zelda.

Oh, right, the writing itself.  After Pami gives her name, “The last fading word echoed like a fading zephyr, then stilled into an absolute hush.”

Wait, sorry, purple would have been a more appropriate color for this particular prose.

As they decide to get some sleep before heading back to the Mirror of Twilight (which is in Kokiri Forest yet—wow, what a journey!), Midna notes that they’ve heard nothing of Zelda or Ganon.  And Link’s like “yeah, that’s pretty weird and stuff or whatever” before brushing it off and watching Midna as he tries to sleep.  “Then, as her eyes gently closed, veiling the windows to her soul for another night, he closed his too and allowed sleep to come.”

Oh please shoot me now.

Chapter 2, The Stone Princess, opens with Link trying to track down Sarita before he takes off, but fails, since no one’s seen her around and she’s a master of “evasiveness and clever hiding.”  Yes, clever hiding.

Huuuuuurr, durr hurrr hurr I’m such a clever hider

So Link angsts about not being able to see Sarita as they head for the Mirror of Twilight.  Which means, naturally, that she’s there already.  She’s there making flower crowns for them because she was told that she would meet them there to guide them to the Gorons’ city.  Who told her?  Why that was oh never mind it looks like we’re moving on and it’s not important or anything.

Also, Link notes that Sarita and Midna are both his princesses in their own “rites.”

Diana, still a princess in her funeral rites.  (RIP, apologies for the potentially tasteless joke)

Sarita heads off to take them to Goron City, and we find out that she’s not the Sage of Wind—at least, not as far as she knows.  She just found the entrance while exploring the woods and some strange, cloaked woman (who may or may not be Pami but probably is), told her in a vision that yeah, this is more than just some random cave or something.

Sarita walks inside a tree, and Link and Midna follow.  It becomes clear at this point that Link and Midna’s guides must be doucheshits because when they walk into the tree, the ground suddenly isn’t there anymore!  Does no one ever think of warning anyone when something sudden and potentially frightening is going to happen?

They end up on some sort of slide (what it’s made of or how it works is never explained particularly well) and at the end, they’re near Goron City.  They then travel around in passageways that you can assume are pretty much lifted directly from Ocarina of Time.  The city is empty and quiet.  Too quiet.  As Sarita says, “It’s emptier than the Kokiri Wood during a thunderstorm.”  After a bit, she continues, adding, “Very much quieter too…especially minus the thunderstorm….”

That sentence kinda got away from you there, didn’t it?

After wandering around for a while, they find the Gorons, who welcome them and say that their princess has been waiting for them.  Are…are there even any female Gorons?  That is a good question.  In here, there apparently are.  Unless she’s not actually a Goron.

The Gorons decide that the best way to test Link is a game of “Find the Princess,” so they shove him into a room with a maze of statues of her and lock the door.  Because only the true hero would be able to pick out the princess for some arbitrary reason.  After a bit of searching, Link decides to pull out his ocarina and play “One of These Things is Not Like the Others.” 

No, I’m kidding.  He plays Saria’s song because that’s what makes Darunia dance in Ocarina of Time and Din forbid the story depart from that in any way.  And the princess starts dancing, exclaiming that it’s a HOT BEAT just like Darunia did.  That must be why the Gorons figured the true hero would know what to do.  Because the old stories inevitably included the part about the HOT BEAT.  Them be some detailed ancient legends, yo.

The princess, after blowing her cover,  reveals her name to be Onyx (not to be confused with Onix or Onox).  She’s the Sage of Wind that they’re looking for.  She’s going to send Link and Midna to the volcano on Death Mountain, where Link must fight a dragon named Codiya.  That’s maybe not the best name, but it’s not terrible so it’s not funny.  To make it funny, we’ll call him Cody.

Some more Gorons come and gather around after that, cheering Lady Onyx (one of them including a “wooooot” for some reason).  Then they go on about the HOT BEAT.  With quite a bit of emphasis on HOT and BEAT.  We get it.  Darunia described Saria’s Song as a HOT BEAT.  It’s regarded as one of the funniest moments of the game.  Stop killing it by driving it into the ground.

Also Onyx’s funetik aksent is inconsistant and I can’t tell what exactly she’s supposed to sound like.

So they head to the old king Darunia’s throne room, where they’ll need to play Midna’s Requiem to go back in time.  Unfortunately, it’s dangerous to go alone if you’re small like Saria (because short people got no reason to live or something), so she has to stay behind, and there’s a tearful goodbye that no one actually tears up for because no one actually cares about these characters.

And with that, Midna and Link utilize the time travel mechanics that half the Zelda games have and go baaaaaack to the paaaaaaaast!

Next time: Midna and Link fight Cody the Dragon in Part 2, Chapter 3: Beyond the Throne!

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Published in: on January 12, 2013 at 12:14 am  Leave a Comment  
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Silent Hero, Chapter 9

 

Hello, everyone!  It has, once again, been a while!  Just over a year, it looks like.  But let’s jump back into the great pile of feces together with renewed vigor, shall we?

When we last left our heroes, Link and Midna had met a previous Link or something and gained another piece of Sierpinski’s Triforce.  Then they stepped into the Mirror of Twilight and headed off to the Twilight realm.  Now we’re on chapter 9, “A Link to Twilight.”  What a wonderful title.  Not at all awkward or unwieldy.  Okay, so I’ll admit that there is a little sincerity in there.  It could be worse.  But anyway, this is the last chapter in Part 1.  It’ll be Part 2 soon!  Wow!

As the two enter the mirror thing, Link sees this tunnel with all sorts of symbols swirling around them, which he surmises to be the Twilit language.  This is another case of “cinematic” writing.  This would totally look cool if it were a movie.  But since it’s a book, it really serves no purpose and just kind of sounds stupid.

When they arrive on the other side, Midna is overjoyed at showing Link her world.  She starts singing, and the two start dancing around happily.  Midna becomes exceedingly overjoyed.

Then she stops dead, “all glitter vanishing from her eyes as though someone peirced an arrow through the shimmering candle’s flame of her heart.”

…Okay, “shimmering candle’s flame of her heart?”  I mean, seriously?  Also, the choice of metaphor made me misread it at first.  I thought that she had literally been shot and was disappointed that I wasn’t able to make a joke about her taking an arrow to the knee heart.

It says a lot about this story that I’m bummed that she wasn’t killed because it deprived me of the chance to make a joke.

The narrative then takes a two-paragraph break from what’s going on to describe where exactly they are.  Description’s a good thing, but right after you’ve had a character go from joy to pain in an instant because of something she’s seen might not be the best time to wax poetic about the tall, arched windows and the patterns on the turquoise and black curtains.

Anyway, I’m sure you were all waiting to see what stopped Midna dead when I went on that discourse (SEE HOW IT DOESN’T WORK?).  What she saw was SaruZant.  Er, Zaruman.

So what is this mysterious new villain OC like?  Well…pretty generic.  He gloats about how she revealed the location of the portal to him, which he doesn’t even need except he does now because for some reason his magic has failed him?  He’s apparently at the Twilight palace to grab some stuff he’d left behind from the past.  What a coincidence that it just happened to be when they arrived.

Midna calls him a liar, saying that he came to torment her.  “Midna, my dear,” he shook his head, “for shame, always the dramaticist. You know, that’s really no way to speak to your old lover…”

“Always the dramaticist,” he said in the most hammy tone possible while milking the reveal that he and Midna share a history for all it’s worth.  Also, it’s “dramatist.”  Dramaticist isn’t a word.

Anyway, Zaruman notes her feelings for Link and comments that it must please her that he’s “silent and compliant,” also insinuating that she needs complete control to feel comfortable in a relationship.  Midna, determined to prove him wrong, decides to speak for Link and tells Zaruman to kindly fuck off kthnxbai.

Zaruman starts walking up to Midna and Link’s hand starts hovering over his sword.  Then Zaruman gloats a bit about how she’s powerless to stop him, the world is his, blah blah blah, standard villain stuff, then he kisses her hand.  Link finds himself fantasizing of all the terrible things he wants to do to Zaruman’s hand and lips.

Uh…dude.  You’re right there.  You’re literally holding Midna Sue’s other hand.  If you want to do something, what is stopping you from doing it?  I mean, seriously?  You’re literally right next to him.

But no, instead he lets Zaruman step into the portal and go poof.  Midna breaks down and starts crying.  Link sees her sitting there completely broken and is about to take the opportunity to cop a feel when someone else shows up!  Who could it possibly be?  It’s….

Dark Link?

Well, I shouldn’t be too surprised.  The plot so far has pretty much been a MidnaXLink shipping fic strung together by a series of cameos.

Anyway, Dark Link is in this story presumed to be the representation of Link’s dark side or something, and the two of them fight.  Why is he showing up?  Hell if I know.  Plot needed to happen and this was as good an option as any.  There’s another example of Link thinking back to ancient legends (i.e., gameplay mechanics) to help him.  Though this time, fortunately, it’s not as egregious, and things are actually resolved very differently than in the games: Link receives aid in a battle against Dark Link because while Dark Link mirrors him perfectly, he can’t predict Midna’s attacks.

So ultimately, Link faces the symbolic representation of the darkness within him by…having someone else do it for him.

Though it is still slightly preferable to “drawing from his knowledge of the ancient legends, Link found a corner to crouch in and just stabbed at Dark Link’s legs over and over again.”

So they kill Dark Link and he…regenerates.  Only now he’s a good guy and the only reason he was evil in the first place was because Zaruman cursed him.  He was really totally just there to give them another bit of the song and another piece of Sierpinski’s Triforce!  This means that they now know the entirety of Midna’s Requiem and have the entirety of the Triforce of Courage!

Now if only we didn’t have over half the story to go.

Dark Link finishes by telling them some helpful advice about the Triforce and balance and how they need both Courage and Wisdom to overcome power.  And then they…go back to Hyrule.

Huh.  Really?  We’re wasting our time jumping back and forth between everywhere for no reason again?  I mean…we just got to the Twilight realm.  And now we’re leaving it again?  Wow.  What a colossal waste of time.

And it is on that colossal waste of time that we conclude Part 1.  Wow.  What a great end to the first section of the book.  Join us next time for Chapter 1 of Part 2: The Voice Speaks Again.  In which…the voice speaks again.

Andy

Published in: on October 18, 2012 at 8:01 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Silent Hero, Chapter 8

 

It’s been a while, huh? Still, for me, it’s not long enough. Anyway, I read up on the previous entries and had a good chuckle. You all found my entries funny, right? I did too. And then I realized that someone had to have read the work they were based off of. And that that someone was me. And then all the repressed memories came flooding back.

…I’m really hesitant to start this again. Just give me a second.

Okay, screw it, let’s go.

Chapter 8, I believe. The chapter entitled “The House of Many Links.”

This is a terrible pun and I feel ashamed for making it.

I’m…not looking forward to this.

Okay. Let’s go. Deep breath, Andy. They head to Termina’s southern borders again. Termina is apparently a little dollhouse of a land compared to Hyrule (author’s metaphor), as it’s quite tiny. But so very apparently important to the story. I mean, we’re a third of the way through. Can’t we just leave Termina already?

Midna and Link roam around, listening for music (it’s been a while, but I think I recall them saying earlier that the not-quite-first Link’s spirit often played music after a hard mortal life’s work of boinking fishwomen). They eventually see his spirit and follow him.

Now, at this point, the author uses a pied piper metaphor. This is something that’s always bugged me to no end. I hate it when people describe things using terms, idioms, or references that don’t exist within a certain world. See, if a character in a Zelda fic were described to be “dumb as an ox,” I wouldn’t pay it too much mind. Cows exist in the Zelda universe, so why shouldn’t Oxen? In any sort of fiction with anthropomorphic animals, it’d gain added effect, as it implies that anthropomorphic oxen are often regarded as stupid. But if you’re writing a story in an alternate universe where bovine are nonexistent, do not use a metaphor relating to them. Similarly, do not reference stories in our universe in stories set in other universes. It just kills immersion.

“It’s like we’re Bill Murray from the movie Groundhog Day, forced to relive the same sequence of events over and over,” Tatl said to Link as he rewound time.  “What the hell’s a movie?” Link asked.

Anyway. They follow Link’s spirit to some sort of cave, which is pitch dark. Link guides Midna by the hand, because she’s evidently a complete incapable klutz and Link needs to hold her hand to keep her from tripping. And it’s a good thing he does, because she almost falls down a chasm. A chasm that’s apparently invisible until you almost fall in it. That’s the only real explanation, other than Midna and Link watching the sky in the pitch-black cave instead of the fucking floor like they should have been.

Also, there are torches giving off a faint light. The thing that always bugs me about things like this: how do the torches stay lit? Are they magic torches? Does Link’s spirit need to leave a light on so that he doesn’t get scared?

So there’s a ledge on the other side, and they need to get to it. The answer has to do with the Deku Mask from Majora’s Mask, which is hanging between two torches. Link hookshots it over, then puts it on to transform into a Deku, which Midna responds to with “Awe, aren’t you adorable?” Yes, that’s how she spelled “Aw.”

Anyway, kids, can you guess what happens next? What’s that? *gasp* That’s right! There is a sequence where the author just describes something similar to the game, in which game mechanics are described in the “legends of old.” Yes, the story starts to read like a walkthrough for Majora’s Mask, complete with flower gliders appearing our of Link’s hammerspace. I cannot stress enough how painful it is to read game mechanics being forced into something that isn’t a game. Because the next thing Link does is step on a switch that triggers a bridge falling from above, landing in place. Now, in video games, we expect things like that to work. But in literature, things are tied much more closely to logic. How’s the bridge land perfectly? Why doesn’t it shatter on impact? Why doesn’t the shockwave knock Link or Midna over the edge of the abyss, and how does the rock not shatter under the impact, destroying the foundations and tipping the bridge into the chasm anyway? Think, author! These are important questions.

So Link decides that it’s time to stop pretending to be Pinocchio, so he attempts to take the mask off. But then he finds out he can’t. Not, at least, until he puts on the next mask they discover, the Goron mask. He goes through the Majora’s Mask walkthrough segment again, the bridge drops, lather, wash, rinse, repeat. There’s a brief interlude when Link puts on Zora mask where they flash back to the story of Mikau (i.e. Link the Fishfucker) and Lulu and why would you make me remember that? Fortunately, it’s only a brief mention, and Link once again comes across a Zora puzzle lifted directly from Majora’s Mask.

Midna worries that she won’t be able to survive the journey under the water (since she doesn’t have the abilities of a Zora), and Link decides that the best way to deal with this is to grab her without warning and plunge under the water with her. Because warning her would be too easy. But it’s okay, because if he screws up, the game mechanics will save him and they’ll be brought back to the room where they can catch their breath again!

Link is able to control his path by making himself more streamlined (completely ignoring the fact that the fact that he’s carrying Midna should negate this) and manages to make it through the water tunnels. On to the next room. This one is a giant abyss that requires the Giant’s Mask. This one he’s actually able to take off. So we’re done with this, right?

Nope! Link still hasn’t put on the Postman’s Hat or the All-Nighter Mask or I’m just kidding it’s just the Fierce Deity Mask. Link puts it on and another Link drops down to have a friendly battle with him for a bit. The other Link throws some sort of flashbomb that reverts them both to their natural forms. Turns out that the whole thing was an illusion that Spirit Link (for some reason, he’s not referred to as the Many-Link anymore) created as a test which means that no, the masks probably won’t play a part again and no, they probably weren’t in any real danger in the first place. Don’t you just live anti-climaxes? They find themselves chilling at Spirit Link’s house, Link and Midna are honored to meet Spirit Link, and Spirit Link is honored to meet his successor and said successor’s princess.

You know, you could at least try to be subtle about your shipping.

Since Link lives in Hyrule, technically Zelda would be his princess, regardless of romantic interest.  I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t feel any romantic obligation to his king.

But on to the point of the visit. Spirit Link pulls out the Ocarina of Time, Link pulls out his Ocarina, Midna pulls out her flute, and they learn the song. And then Spirit Link passes on his piece of Sierpinski’s Triforce to Link.

With that, Spirit Link realizes that the time allotted his Cameo is up, and he provides a warp crystal to take Link and Midna back to Hyrule, stating that he must return to his place among the Zorita, asking Link as he strokes the Zora mask if he thinks they have room for a bass guitar player in their new band. Maybe I’m forgetting something here, but when did they say that Spirit Zora Link chilled with the Zorita, or even that the Zorita were forming a band? I’ll have to remember to never reread this to find out.  Not too hard, since I don’t really care anyway.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!  We are Many-Link and the Fishfuckers, and we are here to rock your world!

As Link and Midna do the locationwarp again, Link catches a glimps of Spirit Zora Link already jamming on his skeleton guitar. I still don’t exactly get the logistics of a dead guy hanging with a hybrid race as a member of a different extinct race to start a band with them.

As the chapter ends, they find themselves back in Hyrule—but not for long! Because they’re planning to check out the Twilight Realm now! They prance into the Mirror of Twilight hand-in-hand. Fade to black.

Stay tuned for the next chapter, “A Link to Twilight,” our last chapter before we begin Part 2!

Status Update

Hey, everyone!  It’s been a long time, hasn’t it?  I’m sure you’re all waiting for an explanation of some sort, aren’t you?  Well, what can I say?  I got too busy to maintain the schedule I wanted, started other projects that demanded a schedule, realized that my grades needed to be a higher priority, and I guess a slightly masochistic blog just kind of wasn’t at the top of my priority list.  However, I do enjoy this blog (well…I enjoy being able to reread it) and never intended to abandon it.

That’s right, after a long hiatus, it’s back.  I don’t know how frequently updates are going to come, but they’re likely going to be very sporadic at this point.  I do have Chapter 8 of Silent Hero complete, as well as Chapter 4 of Fangquest.  I’ll post them both sometime next week.

Just letting you know that this isn’t dead, that I haven’t forgotten it, and that if it does die, I’ll be sure to let you know.

-Andy

Published in: on September 23, 2011 at 12:59 am  Leave a Comment  
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Midterm Hiatus

 

So, some of you have maybe noticed that I didn’t update a chapter of FangQuest last Wednesday.  And I’ll admit right now that I don’t have the chapter I was planning to upload this Saturday for Silent Hero read yet.  This is because I’ve been very busy lately, and I don’t have time to sit down, read shitty stuff, and then post on it.  It’s midterms where I am, and I’ll probably have some time on Spring Break (yay, choir tours and long bus rides) to catch back up.  But for now, my grades come first.

So for this week, and probably the next, there won’t be any updates.  Sorry.

Andy

Published in: on March 10, 2011 at 11:45 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Silent Hero, Chapter 7

 

Well, I just got back from a class where we’re going over Gulliver’s Travels, a satirical book with multiple levels of wit and complexity. A shame I have to ruin all that by reading this shitfest that tries to pass itself off as (strikethrough) literature writing(/strikethrough) text. However, I realized last Saturday that I only have one more week of material written to upload. So unfortunately, I have to return to my wade through wads of crud.

You know what? I ain’t even mad anymore. That last chapter has dulled me. If I can get past interspecies romance and my heroic Link doing the least heroic thing possible, I can get through anything. There’s no way that anything could be worse than that last chapter. It may be a chore to read, but at least I won’t be tempted to head back into the angst forest.

Okay, then. Chapter seven. It’s entitled “The Voice of the Goddess.” Well, at least it doesn’t sound as horrible as the last one. Let’s do this.

So as the chapter starts, they’re traveling somewhere (I don’t even fucking care anymore), and slip past Tingle several times. Also, Link can somehow suggest with facial expressions that there might be more than one Tingle. How does he do that? I don’t fucking know, and I don’t fucking care anymore. All I know is that this author needs to just shut the fuck up about Tingle. Really, this is like beating a dead horse, teabagging it, and then throwing a party in celebration of your victory.

So Link and Midna set up camp for the night, and Link spends his time being half-asleep and fawning over Midna. That’s when a voice calls out their names.

Link can’t quite seem to place the disembodied voice that he’s heard a few times before, even though the reader, who wouldn’t be able to recognize the tone, knows who it is instantly. Well, they don’t know who it is, since the speaker hasn’t been revealed yet, but the chapter title would imply a goddess or something. And no one really cares anymore either.

Anyway, Link wonders if it’s Midna. She wakes up, sees him watching her sleep, and calls him a pervert. As annoying as Midna is as a character here, I’m gonna have to agree with her. Of course, she also totally deserves it for attempting to be the main character.

Unlike Link, Midna recognizes the disembodied voice immediately. Probably because it’s the only disembodied voice they know, so it shouldn’t have been too hard to figure out. Anyway, the voice calls Link the “Hero of Time of this age.” Erm, yeah, no. Each Link has had a different title. But whatever. She goes on to say that the two are not the only ones she’s followed in secret (the creeper) and that she’s been gathering info on Ganondorf, Majora, and SaruZant. I mean Zarumon. I mean SaruZant. She tells them to listen carefully, because she’s about to reveal all she has learned.

Oh, boy! An exposition chapter! I love these things!

She begins by revealing what everyone already knows: that Ganondorf has the Triforce of Power, and that it’s been split so that Majora and SaruZant each have a piece as well. Of course, Ganondorf plans to betray them. This is all portrayed in dialogue that proves that the disembodied voice, whoever she is, is probably not fully fluent in whatever language it is they speak in Hyrule. Oh, wait, that’s the author, and she’s probably not fluent in English.

So Ganondorf wants the Triforce (surprise, surprise!) and is hunting down the people who hold the other two pieces.

Of course, it’s a Sierpinski Triforce now, so the pieces of Courage and Wisdom have broken down further. So since Link has one, Midna has two, and Ganny and Friends have three, that leaves for three unaccounted pieces. Yes, disembodied voice. We know. Even I can do basic math.

So the Triforce pieces have evidently been split through three realms, Light (Hyrule), Shadow (Twilight), and Spirit (Termina). Why Termina is the “Spirit Realm,” I have no clue. It probably just sounded good. Except that it didn’t.

So the heroes of the Light Realm have to seek out these other Triforce pieces and learn two songs, Midna’s Requiem and Zelda’s Lullaby. Okay, question: since Midna’s obviously from Twilight, not Hyrule, why did she learn the song and not Link? And another question: why don’t they leave the Triforce scattered. It’s Ganny’s goal to gather the pieces, isn’t it? Why the hell would you go gather them for him and then take him on? It doesn’t really make any sense.

Oh, wait, never mind. It does. They need all those things to get the Master Sword. What a daring move on the author’s part. I’m wondering if there’ll be a plot twist shortly after they do. No, seriously, I am. Although I’m more accurately wondering if it’ll be an actual plot twist, or more like a poorly-written plot kink.

Oh, fun little detail: unless they’re part of the Spirit Realm, the holders of the Triforce will have to die to give their pieces up. And since Zelda obviously has the third piece of the Triforce of Wisdom, either Midna or Zelda will have to die. It had better fucking be Midna. Of course, I’m sure the author will find some way to revive her.

The voice vanishes (yeah, don’t ask), and Midna wonders who it was. GEE, MIDNA, I WONDER IF IT WAS ZELDA. WOULDN’T THAT BE SOMETHING? Link smirks at her curiosity, because hey, they had just been given so much juicy information and she’s still wondering about that. Oh, except that the only substantial thing anyone has learned is that someone’s gonna have to die.

So Midna goes on a rant about how it could be Ganondorf or something toying with them, which is completely nullified by the fact that Link has an inner monologue explaining that he somehow knows that she’s not really serious about the rant. It’s also nullified by the fact that it’s clearly not a trap. If it is, I will record a video for you of me eating my hat and posting it here so that you can see it.

IMG000004

It’s a ladybug bucket hat, incidentally.  Hold me to this.

So Midna lies down and falls back asleep, and the chapter ends with Link creepily trying to smile into her dreams. Aww. Isn’t that precious?

Well, this chapter was, thankfully, much less bad than the previous one. Tune in next time, as we find out what the hell this “Many Link” thing is.

Published in: on March 5, 2011 at 9:31 pm  Comments (1)  

FangQuest, Chapter 3

 

As we begin chapter 3, in which not much happens, a bunch of people bring back a crapload of food that was evidently able to grow solely on firelight and garden fog. Then there’s a paragraph of food porn. Then, probably because a squirrel shouldn’t exactly be able to wield a battle-ax, Jacques makes a dirk out of obsidian. This really has nothing to do with what’s coming up.

After Marina and Barkfur discuss what’s obvious to the audience and should be obvious to them (i.e., the Powerstones have special powers), they eat. Then, Mibs flies around and looks for an exit. We are assured that, even though he talks not goodly, he is actually quite intelligent. Um…okay? Good to know? After he returns, he tells them where they’ll leave, complete with a completely new accent. This one looks to be either Southern or Scottish.

They go through Mibs’s tunnel and find another cavern. This one is a bit smaller than the last one, but it’s prettier. It’s decked out in white marble and carvings, with columns that resemble Greek or Roman architecture. Did we mention that Greece and Rome existed in this alternate universe? It’s true. A particularly dark chapter of history is that of the Dog-emperor Nero, and how he would feed lions to the Christians.

Also, there’s a huge-ass mosaic on the floor of Blackfang. Oh, wait, he’s just Fang, Blackfang’s ancestor. Just Blackfang’s. Not his siblings’.

You may, at this point, be wondering why I’ve started color coding the names according to the Powerstones.  Well, it’s because each character has so little personality that I doubt you’ll be able to tell them apart.  In fact, the Powerstone they have is probably the closest each of them comes to having any sort of identity.  So it’s for your sake!

Anyway, while they’re all admiring this out-of-place architecture, Jacques heads around the corner, and this stag comes out. Does it walk on two legs or four? Again, dunno. But at least we know his rack is polished.  It “was polished until it was as white as a gentle cloud.” Some awkward wording in this sentence, but the more I think about the metaphor, the more I like it. It’s creative, original, and works. Good job, author! I salute you for that one.

And I flinch at the next sentence: “Maxus?” Jacques said looking as if he had seen a ghost.

Great job, author. Way to blow a creative, original metaphor with a lame, boring, cliché one.

Coming up next time: a hint of perspective, the most dickish reunion ever, and a trial by fire.

Andy

Published in: on March 2, 2011 at 11:42 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Silent Hero, Chapter 6 (2/2)

So, where were we?  Oh, yes, I remember.  Let me just back up a paragraph or two.  This is something we’ll need a running start for.

So evidently the (not exactly) first Link, the Hero of Time, spent the rest of his days living in Termina. Only there were evidently two Links created…the past Link and the future Link. Um, not quite. Future Zelda removed Future Link from the timeline by sending him back to the past. And they certainly didn’t live simultaneously or anything. So what you’re essentially saying, author, is that you believe that the split timeline is canon, but don’t care enough to figure out which game falls under which timeline? I mean, there are some arguments, but there are also some cases where it’s pretty impossible and by having the child and adult timelines exist in the same universe you oh dear I’ve gone cross-eyed and I think I’ve written this paragraph before causing me to go even further cross-eyed.

Aaaaand, what the fuck? This is the most messed up thing I’ve ever heard. Evidently, in Majora’s Mask, when Link was wearing Mikau’s soul (That’s still totally canon and totally freaky, btw), he started falling in love with Lulu. You know, the woman who is at least twice, maybe three times, his age. And, you know, a fish. What.

“Link is not a Freaky Fish Guy!” ~Mako Tsunami, expert on Freaky Fish Guys

So he never fucking revealed to Lulu that he was actually Link. What the fucking hell? Link, you fucking asshole. I don’t know if you’ve realized this, author, but Link essentially committed identity fraud and lied to a woman who loved him for her entire fucking life. He probably slept with her too, since that’s what people who love each other do. Yes, Link committed fraud and lied to a woman to get it on with a fish.

And then, after she passes, he reveals his identity and tells a few people his story. I personally would have loved to see their reactions. I mean, he’s showing people that he, the great Hero of Time, has masqueraded as a Zora and taken said Zora’s place in society, fooling his community and his lover. I can’t imagine that he was met with a very pleasant reception.

Oh, wait, no, they “honor the Hero of Time for his love and devotion to one of [their] own.” My bad. Just as an aside, I think I’d like to die now.

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I know, Mikau.  I feel the same way.

That Link, meanwhile, is evidently a ghost now, wandering around Termina. You know, they say that people become ghosts when they feel an inner turmoil that doesn’t allow them to move on to the afterlife. Gee, I wonder what inner turmoil Link must feel. Maybe it has something to do with stealing a fish’s identity to bang his lover until she died. But let’s get past all that. His ghost evidently visits the forest frequently. Midna states that they were near the forest, and may have been close to him. And then she says that Tingle maybe scared him off. Ava and Asher agree that he’s unpleasant. Because continually bashing a character that everyone already hates is good writing, evidently. Just fucking let it die. You don’t have to bring your vendetta against Tingle up every chance you get.

Asher decides to get some shut-eye, Midna decides that she’d like to admire the night for a while, Ava decides to keep Midna company, and Link decides to go explore a bit. I was excited for this, as it sounds like the Zorita live in a place that’s visually stunning. However, we’re just told that Link explores rolling hills, waterfalls, and caves. Gee, those sound really interesting. Can you tell us what they’re like? No? Okay, never mind. I guess they weren’t all that stunning after all.

Link walks until his feet are tired, and heads back. He lays down on a hill not far from Ava and Midna, sitting on the “velvety folds” of the grass on the hill. Erm…well, I’m not really sure that either grass or hills have folds, but eh, whatever. What I am sure of, though, is that grass isn’t velvety. Have you ever laid down on grass for a while? Sure, it’s nice and soft, but it’s itchy. Sleeping on the grass would drive me insane. I’d be up all night scratching. But hey, maybe it’s magic grass. That would explain why they creamed themselves when they were walking on it.

Link tries to block out Midna and Ava’s conversation, but it’s admittedly pretty hard not to eavesdrop when you hear your name. They’re talking about him. Let me take a moment to bring up the Bechdel Test. In order for a work to pass the Bechdel Test, there are three requirements, each one dependent on the last. There have to be (1) two female characters who (2) talk to each other about (3) something other than a man. We’ve had Midna talk with the Goddess of Time (who, being an unnamed deity, is disqualified) and now Ava (who counts). So that’s test one and two passed. Does it pass test three? Oh, sorry! The only private interaction Midna’s had with another woman, and we don’t get to hear any of it but the bit about Link. In fact, were they even talking before he came back? I dunno, as what he hears sounds like the beginning of a conversation, not the middle of one.

Anyway, Link comes back at the most convenient time ever. They couldn’t talk about him while he’s away. No, they have to wait until he comes back. And it’s not about him as a hero or anything. It’s automatically “what do you think of him?” This question almost always translates to “are you in love with him or not?”

Link hears their conversation and holds his breath until he becomes lightheaded. Evidently, the night is deadly quiet and he’s only five feet away from him, because he has to exhale slowly so that he isn’t heard. If he’s that close, why didn’t they notice him when he came back? I dunno, there’s really no reason for him to be so quiet. I’m pretty sure they can’t hear him. Also, it’s amusing how the guy who’s apparently so mute that he can’t even grunt has to work at being quiet.

Midna’s eventual reply is “He shares the soul of one I once loved. Or at least, I think he does or else want him to. But it could not be then either. Darkness and Light only create shadow, don’t they?” Um…what? Proofread, author, proofread! I think that what she’s trying to say is that she wants him to share the soul of the old Link, with whom her old relationship never would have worked.

Link is saddened by this and goes a bit emo again, using the phrase “defective forest rogue” to describe himself. Okay, I can’t help but laugh at that. What the hell is that even supposed to mean? On the plus side, I’ve got the perfect name for my new band now.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!  We are The Defective Forest Rogues and we are here to rock your world!

Ava’s reply is “Perhaps, as Dawn [not sure why it’s capitalized] proves every morning, Darkness can only be overcome by Light.” Um…okay, so…is “Darkness” supposed to be Midna? Because that’s the interpretation I got from Midna’s statement. If so, there are some pretty unfortunate implications going on there.

Link’s “Kokiri-trained ears” are evidently more steadfast than his “Hylian eyes which long to wander.” Is it just me, or is the author making a lot less sense in this chapter? Anyway, he wants to look at Midna to see how she really feels. Aww, look! The people who have known each other for all of maybe three days and are centuries apart in age really do love each other!

So two stars streak past, winding around each other (ZOMG SYMBOLISM!) in a dance that is described as magical but is really completely stupid, and then the birds sing, and two moths circle around him, one landing on his finger. This paragraph serves no purpose other than painting a scene in a way that completely derails the flow of the story.

I think I’ll just post the next thing Ava says for you.

We Zorita…we believe that Nature, as the foundation for the world the goddesses created for us, contains some of the deepest wisdoms.

“Take all these signs, especially the song of the moon blossom birds. Mates for eternity; the only creatures known to consummate their love within a nest made of moon blossom petals which they consume afterwards. In doing so, they are granted the eternal life of the moon blossoms, and for so long lasts their love…

“I do not know what these things may mean for you. But do not close your heart. Better to love and find out that he is not the one than to never search and find that one. And if the love is true, even if it turns out it is not what the goddesses deem best, there will be sorrow but no regrets of the time you spend together.”

Okay, first of all, what is it with random Capitalization of Words that seem vaguely Important? Does “Nature” really need capitalization? And if “Nature,” why not “goddesses?”

Second, everything about the moon blossom birds. They mate for eternity. Really? Eternity? Do they just not ever die? I get that they’ve got eternal life (which is reason enough to wtf on its own), but are they also invincible? Or if they do die, do they meet up in the afterlife again? Or reincarnate and find their partners again? And if either of those are the case, how the hell does everyone else know it? They do not mate for eternity. Not to your knowledge. Also, they build nests made out of moon blossom petals. Are these nests made on the ground? Because the nest wouldn’t hold together if it was made of flower petals, so it’d have to have the ground to support it. They gain immortality by eating the flower petals, so why doesn’t everyone eat the flower petals? And finally, for their mating ritual, they make the nest out of petals, boink each other in it, and then eat it. What.

Third, Ava’s essentially just restating that old adage “‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Let me ask you something. Have you ever been in love? Or even had a crush? Okay, has that ever ended badly? Anyone who has loved and lost can tell you that the idiom is pure bullshit. Maybe that’s just me, though.

So Link turns to look at her, unnoticed (his changing of positions evidently being quieter than his breathing), and watches the other moth land on her hand (ZOMG MOAR SYBOLISM). The beauty (read: stupidity) of this causes him to more or less jizz in his pants.  Or maybe it was the velvety grass he was sitting on.

So Midna and Ava eventually depart, and Link waits a while before departing himself. As he heads to the room he’s evidently supposed to sleep in (as opposed to the itchy grass), he hears footsteps, and sees Ava, who is floating down the hall. Floating. Um…in the air? I assumed that they sort of flew instead of hovered. And if that’s the case, how did he hear her footsteps? Well, the Zorita swim, too. Maybe there’s an unmentioned body of water or something she’s floating down. But if that’s the case, how the hell did he hear her footsteps?

She looks at him, and there’s something in her eyes (something that’s never explained) in them that gives him hope. He sees some sort of promise there. In her eyes. The promise of the Zorita’s eyes. Like the chapter title. Did you see that? It makes more sense now, doesn’t it? It’s still stupid, though.

So as he drifts to sleep, Link decides that, yes, he’s probably in love with this woman he’s known for three days who’s centuries older than him and is crushing on his past life.

Okay, I just finished reading Lolita not too long ago. I’m gonna have to say that the relationships in there are less screwed up than the ones in here. Lolita, by the way, is about a pedophile. But at least in Lolita we get to see the psychology behind the relationship and are showed why exactly it’s messed up and what sort of damage it does. In fact, at the end, the protagonist admits that he almost certainly ruined the girl he loved. Here, the relationships are treated as if they’re perfectly normal, and no one seems to bat an eye at the general wrongness of them.  Good job, author.  You’ve gotten me to declare your book more messed up that fucking Lolita.

Link wakes up in the morning, and Midna gives him a smile. It was like the conversation last night had never occurred, according to the book. And at the same time, it was like the opposite all at once, again according to the book.

So then they leave to find the Many-Link or whatever the hell that thing’s stupid fucking name is. They just leave.

…Okay, what? Really? Fucking really? They don’t even learn a song here or anything? No major plot? Are you fucking kidding me? You made me read a whole fucking chapter that I wrote five fucking pages on just to give your fucking Zora/Rito hybrid race a fucking cameo? You are fucking kidding me you fucking fuck fucker fuckity fuck fuck I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU YOU BASTARD I’LL FUCKNG KILL YOU ALL THAT WAS THE MOST POINTLESS SHIT I’VE EVER READ YOU SON OF A BITCH I HOPE THAT MAJORA FUCKING RAPES YOU IN THE ASS FOR THIS YOU FUCKING TIME-WASTING BITCH!

*Sigh* Well, let’s see what we’ve got for next time.  Okay, it looks like exposition, exposition, and more exposition.  Whee!  I’m actually excited for that!  You know why?  Because it’s a relatively short chapter, and there’s no possible way that it can get any worse than The Hero of Time boinking a fish-woman.  *shudder*

Andy

FangQuest, Chapter 2

 

As we start the second chapter, entitled “Another Stone,” Blackfang shows the others the surprisingly lengthy note—only after which do they react with anger, which makes little sense since the note itself isn’t that infuriating.

Blast decides that this would be the perfect opportunity for some weapon porn. Honestly, it rivals any given clothing porn segment of My Immortal. I would have skipped the two pages completely, had two details (other than a squirrel easily carrying a battle-ax) caught my eye, both regarding Mibs. First of all, why does he talk in a mangled version of Brian Jacques’ “Sparra speak?” It’s even less intelligible, spelling-wise. Secondly, his anatomy confuses me. I’ve already established that I have no idea how big he is, and am just assuming he’s big enough to stand at least waist-high to the wolves instead of small enough to fit in their mouths. However, how does he wear a breastplate? And how does he hold a dagger? Okay, let’s say he holds the dagger in his talons (though that still doesn’t explain the breastplate). How does he draw it, then? Hell, does he just have hands instead of wings?

Better yet, Mark and Ken have become fully conscious again and have joined them. We now have eight characters traveling together. None of them have any form of personality—unless you count occupation, species, or funetik aksent (that’s “phonetic accent,” for those of you who are trying to figure out what the hell I just typed) as personality types. Even worse, a lot of the names are similar. I’m having problems right now telling any of the wolves apart, other than “younger wolves with ridiculous names” and “older wolves with surprisingly out-of-place names.”

They leave the forge and go to the den, placing the green stone in a hole that fits it perfectly. Somehow, they never noticed this hole before. Also, they evidently never noticed that there was somehow six feet of missing space in their house. Or that the six missing feet were because of a stairway that led to a vast series of catacombs. I don’t know what the floors are made of, but wouldn’t it be apparent somehow that there was some sort of hollow space beneath your house? Wouldn’t it let in drafts?

Inside the catacombs, they find lit torches. Because they, you know, stay lit for so long. And if someone came by to relight them, there’s no way they would have ever heard their claws clacking on that stone staircase.

Beyond that, they find a garden that has the magical properties of not needing sunlight to grow and being able to survive intense heat at close proximity. See, there’s magma that’s somehow in fountains. There also happens to be warm springs that flow into them. I’m not entirely sure what this weird, messed up garden looks like. I’m sure the heroes don’t either, since there’s a thick fog all around the garden, which is naturally obscuring their view. Wait, my mistake, they can see it perfectly.

Well, perhaps I spoke too soon about the torches. They stay lit because they’re evidently “magic” and change colors when people walk by. Color coded for your convenience, folks! This is, along with the whole “changing eye color” thing, never explained, and probably only happens because our author thought that reading a book is like watching a movie. Which it isn’t.

Then a wildcat in a cape named Ryrock the Clichéd Title comes and says something along the lines of “Hello, nice to meet you. I knew Blackfang (none of the others are worth mentioning by name) when he was young, so I’ll start this reunion by challenging two of you to violent combat!”

Marina and Barkfur (oh, look both the females in the group. Somehow significant?) do the sensible thing and ponder what the hell is going on. But only long enough for them to ponder. They jump into the fray in this awkwardly worded one-sentence paragraph:

“The huge cat fled to the garden with Barkfur and Marinia hard on his heels, the two of them were drawn to the challenge as if by an unseen force, though the big cat and the previous events of that night confused them and made them almost reconsider leaping into a foggy pit in a place they had no idea existed until just a few minutes before.”

At this point, yet another proportion/scale mystery comes into play. Evidently, a mountain lion, probably about six feet tall standing in this universe, is able to wield a sword that’s seven feet long. Seven. Really. I am not making this up. His sword is bigger than he is, and he wields it effortlessly.

While this battle rages, those on the sidelines have a little discussion with Blackfang that goes something like this.

“Hey, Blackfang, your eyes are green!”

“Nuh-uh!”

“Yeah-huh!”

“Nuh-uh!”

“Accent that looks like a bunch of typos.”

“Well, shit. They are green. Whaddya know. Probably my necklace.”

And they never do come to the conclusion why.

We switch back to the fight, which we find out isn’t a friendly little fight at all. That’s right: they’ve been trying to fucking kill each other. If you don’t believe me, it explicitly states “Marina and Barkfur went in for the kill” at one point.

Naturally, Marina and Barkfur win with absolutely no prior training. Also, Ryrock can evidently teleport. After he disappears in a swirl of fog, he leaves behind another note and two parts of a stone. Unlike Dirtsnow, Ryrock at least was probably able to write his note beforehand. Also unlike Dirtsnow, he must have some form of psychic powers, as he somehow knew beforehand Blackfang would have the green stone.

The “Slayers’ Blade” (I am not making this up) is vaguely alluded to, and the stones are given the incredibly cool-sounding (by which I mean lame-sounding) title “Powerstones” (capital P). The women both get part of the Red Powerstone, which gives the wearer strength. I’m sensing some sort of feminism subtext to this, though I can’t tell if that’s intentional or not. Also, Blackfang’s Green Powerstone apparently lets him change into any creature. I would personally choose human, so that I wouldn’t have to worry how I’m holding a sword without opposable thumbs.

Puzzlingly, the stones can evidently be split into multiple parts and still retain all their power. Why they don’t just split all the stones so that they all have all the powers is beyond me. It would make more sense, honestly.

While Mibs decides that his accent now wants to change completely so it sounds like baby-talk, Barkfur and Blackfang marvel at how the Powerstones give their eyes the power to change color. After all, Barkfur asserts, “Ryrock said they were Powerstones.” Emphasis on the word “Powerstones.” Because things that work just like colored contacts are so powerful.

Blackfang establishes himself as leader, despite the fact that we have no indication that he’s qualified, other than he was the first to get his stones. Er, Stone. Yes, the singular is what I meant.

Barkfur tells Marina that Ryrock wanted her to have one of the half-stones, even though Marina was, you know, there when they found the note, so both she and the reader already know this. Blackfang watches the exchange, ending the chapter with the very “profound” statement, “another stone, another mystery.”

Next chapter: Mibs’ accent changes yet again, an ancestry that none of Blackfang’s siblings seems to share, and a stag who can somehow hold things in his hoofs.

Published in: on February 23, 2011 at 10:43 am  Comments (3)  
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Silent Hero, Chapter 6 (1/2)

 

[AN: the following paragraph was written before I read this chapter.  After reading chapter 6, I have no clue how chapter 5 could have possibly caused me any despair.  Yes, chapter 6 is that much worse.  Be afraid.]

After that last chapter, I took some time off to reconsider my view of life. I would have used Silent Hero as proof that there is no God, had I not needed someone to pray to for strength to get through this. I came to the conclusion that if He exists, he probably just isn’t a big fan of Zelda. This new dogma is a bit difficult for me to accept, but it’s the only thing that makes any sort of sense. But maybe he’s just a fanboy who’s upset because no new games have lived up to his expectations after Ocarina of Time. Yeah, this is just Nintendo’s punishment for that. That would explain BMB Finishes’ “Hero of Time” fan film, too.

If you’ve never heard of this movie, you should be glad.

Okay, now that the existential crisis is over, let’s launch into Chapter 6, entitled “The Promise of the Zorita’s Eyes.” Wow. I…I’m stunned. That chapter title was horrible. I’ve heard math majors come up with better-sounding and more creative chapter titles than that (apologies to you math majors out there that do not fit the left-brained stereotype).

I think I’m going to learn from last time and check the chapter length. And…oh, dear. Um…this one’s probably going to be another two-parter. I’m starting to think that there’s more wrong with this book than what’s even in the book. I think I must hate myself.

So, the winged lady “lights before them.” What. I do not think that word means what you think it means. Did she lightly land before them? Did she illuminate before them? I’m gonna guess that this was a typo. But anyway, the other Zorita follow her, and Link stares at them with awe and curiosity, like Sarita when she was “studying some new corner of the wood.”

…Yeah, I don’t think I’m going there.

Instead of trying to describe these abominations of nature for you, I think I’ll let the author do it herself.

Wings folded, it looked as though long, shallow turtle shells rested upon their backs. Moonlit water droplets glistened like thousands of miniature aquamarines upon their blue-green skin. Their faces, noses, and ears were long, angular, bearing an elven sort of elegance, as did their arms, legs, and the graceful fins arching from both wrists and ankles. Silver hair spilled down the backs of the ladies, while the silver locks of the men was cut in short, tight ringlets. Their eyes gleamed like sapphires, just as inquisitively as Link felt his must look.

This description is not only hard to figure out, but seems to differ from both the Rito and the Zora. I really don’t get this. It’s…okay, how can something like that look beautiful? I’m thinking either of a blue-green elf with fins and a turtle shell, or a cross between a bird-person and fish-person. Whichever one I think of, it I have a mental image of an abomination of nature.  You know what?  Let’s see if we can try to figure out what they look like.

This is a Zora

This is a Rito

This is a Zorita, as interpreted by the lovely Broeckchen.  It looks like nothing out of this world.  Or our of Hyrule, either.

Link gets praised by the fish-bird-woman and blushes. Umkay. I hope it’s the praise, but then again, he did describe the Zorita as “lovely.”

A sentence of description/prose ends with a quotation mark. Okay, that’s a small mistake that I’ve made in the past. Of course, if you’re going to publish this for people to read, you may want to do a bit of proofreading first.

So the Zorita is named Ava, and she’s the princess of the Zorita. Because if you can’t just take an old character’s name and change it a bit, you could always just take the base of avian/aviation/aviate/whatever-word-that-has-to-deal-with-flying-this-is. Still, I’d take that over Joller. Anyway, Ava and her people have been patiently yet anxiously yet paradoxically waiting for him to arrive. You cannot be both patient and anxious for something. The two are opposites. I think I see what you’re saying. You just didn’t say it right.

So the author evidently read my complaints last chapter about how the Zorita being able to swim and fly is physically impossible. She provides an explanation! I’m shocked! Here’s how it works: when they fold their wings, the feathers fold inside. They are protected from water by a lightweight, waterproof leather, which is evidently airtight and keeps the feathers from getting wet. They can fold or unfurl them in an instant for quick transitions from water to air to water. It’s actually a very nice explanation. I can only find one minor flaw, which is that wings do not fucking work that way! Wings like this are either leathery (like a bat’s), or feathery (like a bird’s). The two function in completely different ways. If the wings are feathery, having leather on them would ruin the aerodynamics. If they’re leathery wings, then having feathers on them would weigh them down too much. There is a reason that animals that fly aren’t particularly aquatic, and vice versa.

wings

Clearly, the two types of wings don’t really function the same way.

Ava walks up to a wall, checks it, and then walks through it. It’s evidently a hidden entrance of some sort. Now, the first question I have is why didn’t Ava explain this instead of just walking through and expecting Midna and Link to follow? They sit there a few seconds completely confused. A quick “By the way, this wall is a hidden entrance, so don’t be surprised that we can just walk through it” would help. The second question I have is how does this work? I mean, it’s not exactly explained. It’s just…a wall that they can walk through. It’s obvious that the wall isn’t really there, but it’s never explained how it works. Is it magic? Is it an optical illusion? A hologram? I demand an explanation. But I won’t get one.

So they reach the Zorita village. Admittedly, the geography does make some sense. They live on cliffs (like the Rito), but there are places where it drops off into the ocean, where they presumably swim.

Also, there’s grass there that greets their feet “like old friends embracing them in a tight, comforting hug.” Um…okay? I dunno, I’ve never really been hugged by grass before. But hey, it’s your analogy. I mean, it’s a bad one, but hey, your choice. Also, it’s been what, two days since they’ve been in Kokiri forest? Was there no grass there? I mean, I get that you say that there were brambles and whatnot, but still. And are they not wearing shoes? Why not? I mean, they were just walking around in the rocky canyons. Most importantly, is two days enough time away from any sort of grass that it suddenly becomes orgasmic to be around again? Because here in the Midwest, we have this thing called “winter.” When “winter” comes around, there’s this white, powdery, cold stuff called “snow” that covers all the grass for about a quarter of every year. We somehow manage to be fine. I mean, we get pretty excited every spring, but come on. It’s grass. We get over it. Two days without grass is not enough for anyone to miss it.

I get off to this every night.

The person that they are quite obviously going to learn this part of the song from is a Zorita named Asher, a wise, laid-back dude. I’ve gotta admit, I kinda like him, if just because he’s the only original character who actually seems to have any personality.

He explains that the Zorita were once the Zora, and then evolved into the Rito, and then evolved into the Zorita, a cross between the two. There’s one problem I have with this: evolution does not fucking work like that! Why go from fish to birds and then to fish-birds? Wouldn’t it be easier to cut out the middle step and go straight to the hybrid, if it’s evolutionarily superior? That’s like if humans were to suddenly become half-monkey again. Sure, it’d be great to have opposable thumbs on our feet and to climb really well, but we’ve evolved past monkeys for a reason. If it were more beneficial for our survival to be a hybrid between what we were and what we are now, we never would have evolved past it in the first place. Congratulations. You just drove a biologist to suicide. I hope you’re fucking happy.

Clearly the superior species.

Also, the paragraph that describe the process proved that the author have no idea how to using tense.

So evidently the (not exactly) first Link, the Hero of Time, spent the rest of his days living in Termina. Only there were evidently two Links created…the past Link and the future Link. Um, not quite. Future Zelda removed Future Link from the timeline by sending him back to the past. And they certainly didn’t live simultaneously or anything. So what you’re essentially saying, author, is that you believe that the split timeline is canon, but don’t care enough to figure out which game falls under which timeline? I mean, there are some arguments, but there are also some cases where it’s pretty impossible and by having the child and adult timelines exist in the same universe you oh dear I’ve gone cross-eyed.

Well.  That was bad.  But it’s about to get worse.  A lot worse.

Seriously.  A lot worse.  This is your last chance to turn back.  But if you hate yourself as much I clearly hate myself, come back next week, when you will lose any faith you may have had in this story.

Andy

Published in: on February 19, 2011 at 3:14 pm  Leave a Comment  
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